I know, huge buzzkill post…

If the last post all about scorecards and match play rules didn’t scare off new guy Eddie, then this one should be the nail in his coffin. It’s the annual “Don’t be an asshole, also hurry the fuck up please” post. One day I’ll have enough confidence in all of you that this post won’t be necessary. Today is not that day. By now, you all should know the deal, but just because you should know the deal by no means will I make the assumption that you actually do know the deal. So far the eleventh year in a row, here we go.

  • READY FUCKING GOLF FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY – Two days, three courses, twenty eight golfers, seventy two holes, four hundred beers. We have a shit load going on here, people. We are shotgun starting on Friday at 8AM and 2:30PM, so even if the first round takes five hours (if it does, stab me in the neck), you should have at least 90 minutes to get over to the other course, eat, and warm back up. Or take a nap under a tree, Greg style. Those 90 minutes will go by quicker than you think, so time is of the essence, folks. MOVE IT.
  • Don’t worry about honors or who’s away. When you are ready, say “I’m going, watch the fuck out” and then go. One slow group will cause a traffic jam on the course. And as an Asian, I’m already blamed too often for driving problems, I will not have this lumped on top of it.
  • Speaking of driving, please use the carts efficiently. You do not need a fucking police escort to and from every shot you hit. Drop your cart partner off at their ball then tell them to meet you at yours. The worst culprits of slow play are motherfuckers who do not understand best practices when it comes to cart management. It is not that difficult, people.
  • Do you have a Nomar Garciaparra-esque pre shot routine? Cut that shit the fuck out. It will do nothing to improve your game. It’s just taking up time. Four practice swings, then a visualization exercise? Man, GTFOH with that shit. If you are going to be the hardo who thinks he need all this, at least do it while someone else is swinging, so by the time it’s your turn, your 24 step warm up is wrapping up.
  • Did you actually bust open a drive on a par 5 and have, what you believe to be, a realistic shot at reaching the green in two? Fine, wait for the green to clear before you top it 30 yards. But your ass better sprint down the fairway after your ball. And leave four frosty cold ones on the green as an apology to the group behind you.
  • Don’t spend all fucking day looking for your shitty drive, if you can’t find it immediately you probably don’t want to find it. Take the drop.
  • HURRY. ALL. THE. WAY. THE. FUCK. UP.

Alright, hopefully I got my point across there. On to actual golf rules:

  • Not only are you responsible for your own score, but you are also responsible for your opponent’s score. That’s why each cart only has one of the matches’ scorecard. Copy and pasted from last year and the year before that and the year…: I know that no one we’d invite would be a big enough dick to actually shave strokes, but I’m certain we’ve invited some people who can’t fucking count. So you think so and so got an 8 on a hole, but he says he got a 7. Bring it up. If you need to bring it up every hole, do so. Hopefully he will learn how to count his own strokes. If it continues to be a problem, you can say something to me, but all I can do is say “everyone in your group thinks you are either retarded or a cheating asshole, get your shit together.” This weekend is all about a good time, so pretty please with a cherry on top respect the game, the tournament, and your fellow competitors.
  • Play all out of bounds stakes at hazards. Don’t re-tee. Just drop that shit on the line that it went OB. Ain’t nobody got time for all dat. Just remember you’ll be hitting your third shot.
  • No breakfast balls, no mulligans, not even on the first hole. If you got fucked and have to start your rounds on #15 at Noble Hawk or #4 at Cobblestone, tough cookies. At least you’ll get them over with quickly. Sorry Austin.
  • As always, we’re playing gimmies inside the leather. That means if you put your putter head in the hole and your ENTIRE ball is inside of where your grip starts, the putt is good. You still have to count that stroke, but we can just assume that we’d make it if we tried, which is an incorrect assumption, but whatever.
  • For rounds one through three, play every hole and count every stroke. Even if you got boat raced 5&4 in your match or you are about to take your 19th stroke, finish the hole and card a real number. I will not hesitate to DQ you and send your ass home with the DFL. You don’t know want that thing, it’s absurd.
  • Play it as it lies, Happy did it! Don’t fluff your shit up so you have a nice lie. If you know the rules of the game well enough to take advantage of a free drop, then by all means do it. But don’t go out there acting like an asshole, play it straight up.

I know, sounds like a riot, right? But the Kendallville Open’s success is completely due to everyone buying in, so do me a favor and play along.

 

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tKOXI Scoring (God help me)…

Boys, this year we’re doing 9-hole matches, which, since we shotgun and start on various holes, requires us to use CUSTOM scorecards.

scorecard.png
While I trust that all (most) of you are not idiots and have some idea of how this is going to work, I’m going to run through an example real quick just to be safe.

Keith is an 11 stroke underdog in his first match against Shane. So he’s getting one stroke on every hole, plus an additional one on the hardest two holes of the side (in this case #4 & #5). You’ll notice that they start their round on #17, so they’ll match will finish on #7, at which point they’ll each start their second match of the morning (which will have it’s own scorecard). For rounds 1 & 2, each cart will have the scorecard for only one match per side in the foursome.  (We’re saving trees over here at HQ.)  So it’ll be up to you to make sure your match’s scorecard is accurate if it’s in the other cart.

I recommend writing down your actual scores on the cards, not your net score, so things don’t get confusing when you go back to double check the scores at the end of the round against Golf Gamebook.

All the while, one person from each foursome will need to volunteer to keep the foursome’s score on Golf Gamebook for every round. (another verbal assault on Marty has been redacted)

Yes, we are playing match play, but DO NOT PICK UP YOUR BALL AFTER YOU’VE LOST THE HOLE OR THE MATCH. You need a legit score for every hole or else you are DQ’d, and on my personal shit list, which doesn’t really mean anything. You should all know how match play works, who ever had the lowest score minus any strokes given wins the hole. Whoever wins the most holes through nine holes wins the match, thusly winning their team a point. If you are tied after nine holes, both teams get half a point. On your tenth hole, you start your new match against the other guy in the other cart.

AT THE END OF EACH ROUND, TURN IN YOUR SCORECARD TO ROBINSON. He’s been tasked with tallying all the team points during the tournament, and potentially all other commissioner duties if I go back to back and pass out mid-scramble again.

Rinse and repeat for round 2.

As always, round 3, you will be flighted by your position on the RDGC leaderboard, ties go to whoever had the better second round score. Flight champions are based solely on their score in round 3, as will team point distributions. 3-2-1-0 scoring (first to last).  If tied for first, add 3 (first pts) + 2 (second pts) and divide by 2 (ties for 1st get 2.5 pts, ties for 2nd get 1.5 pts, ties for 3rd get .5 pts).

Finally, team points will be awarded for every stroke under par and penalized for every stroke over par during the scramble. Remember, you have to use everyone’s drive at least once per nine holes. Not holes #1 – #9, but the first 9 holes you play and again on the second 9 holes you play.

Add up the point totals for all four rounds and boom, there you go, you have your tKOXI Team Champions.

I know that might have been a little too inside baseball for some of you, especially guys who just show up to hammer beers and occasionally swing at a golf ball, but the whole weekend won’t work unless someone from each foursome has a grip on what’s going on. For the most part, we should be fine, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t at least one foursome each round that I was a little worried about. Please bookmark this page to reference when you realize you have no idea what’s going on during the round.

I’m terrified about what the comment section is going to turn into here.

Roommates

The good folks over at the Best Western, home of the greatest continental breakfast bar on earth, always request I send over the room assignments early. I don’t care who sleeps where or with who, but when you check in, just go with the following:

  • The Yoshimotos
  • White James & Robinson
  • Asian James & Ian
  • Bryce & Eddie
  • Ben & Lloyd
  • Aschman & Pete
  • Kevin & Tall James
  • Mat & Caravello
  • Sutton & The McArdles
  • Keith & Rich
  • Dre & Danny
  • Greg & Cahill
  • Jeremy & Marty
  • Shane & Austin

Don’t @ me.

More importantly, I hope you all caught wind of @theKVilleOpen‘s twitter storm of #tKOLookalikes the other day. In case you missed it, here’s a recap plus a few extras provided by an anonymous source(s).

Alright, we’re a week out. One mother fucking week. These next few days are going to be absolutely brutal.

Glendarin Hills #16 – #18

Glendarin Hills #16 – Par 4 – 381 yards – Handicap #8

tKO Average: 6.06 (+2.06, 4th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 16

#16 is my nightmare. As I was cruising to my seven stroke victory last year, I knew this was my last real challenge. The big number is very much in play. Long and little right is wet. Left is in play, but can be problematic, even a safe drive 200 yards leaves you with a treacherous approach, uphill and over the water. To take advantage of this hole, you really have to thread the needle and put your drive down the left side of the fairway. This will still leave you with an uphill tee shot to a shallow green, but it’s a little more manageable.

One of my favorite tKO memories is back from X. Asian James and Ian were deadlocked in an epic battle for our flight. Throwing haymakers back and forth all day, the flight pint glass was going to come down to the last few holes. Ian steps up to the tee, and as expected, unleashed an absolute blast down the right side of the fairway. As the ball slowly re-entered Earth’s atmosphere, we realized he had brought the water into play. Asian James is audibly rooting for Ian’s drive to land in the water. “GET LEGS, GET WET” he screams, “YYYYYYYAAASSS” as it splashes into the pond. Ian is fucked. With three holes left, he had just given AJ two strokes. Now it’s Asian James’ turn to tee off. Knowing that he can’t reach the water, AJ sees no reason to play it safe, and pulls driver. And pull it he does. Snap hook into the long grass left of the fairway, not a great place to be, but certainly not dead. As we pull up to where we think AJ’s ball is, we all get out to help look…. EXCEPT IAN. He just sits in the cart, chain smoking and refusing to help search. It was just a diabolically hateful move. I loved every second of it. Asian James lost the ball and I believe the match went tied to the 18th hole, where Ian had an eagle putt to win the flight and ended up 5 putting for double or something ridiculous like that.

 

Glendarin Hills #17 – Par 3 – 136 yards – Handicap #18

tKO Average: 4.15 (+1.15, T-16th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 17

Alright, your last chance to win $70 for Closest to the Pin and I believe the hole in one prize is a free round trip ticket anywhere in the continental US. If someone makes a hole in one here and doesn’t use that ticket to fly back to Fort Wayne, then you don’t deserve that ticket anyway. Another uphill par three with a false front. Now that I think about it, the par threes at Glendarin Hills kind of suck. Would it kill you to build an island green that we had to  jump our carts off a ramp to get to, Glen?

We’re really just setting the table for the 18th. Everything happens on the 18th.

 

Glendarin Hills #18 – Par 5 – 475 yards – Handicap #10

tKO Average: 6.21 (+1.21, T-13th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 18

Alright, it all comes down to this. Even though we’ve only played our championship round for two years now, it might be our most famous hole. Most recently, RWTW chipped in for eagle during last year’s scramble, eventually winning the team championship by one point. Nate rolled in a par putt to hold off a hard charging Robinson and win his third consecutive RDGC. Playing prevent defense, I made bogey to wrap up the most lopsided* Bixler race in tKO history. But despite all the accolades won on #18, some of my favorite memories aren’t from competition, unless you include the wrestling contest I challenged Ian to during which he promptly broke my back. The Kendallville Open is all about stumbling through the scramble. As the sun begins to set, 12 carts are littered around the 18th fairway. Bodies strewn about the greenside bunkers, looking like the Normandy scene from Saving Private Ryan. Champions are crowned at noon off the 18th green, but true greatness isn’t realized there until the evening.

* – Marty’s handicap for tKOVI was both absurd and completely illegitimate. .

And thus concludes our previews of every hole you’ll see at the Kendallville Open. I hope you’ve been taking notes. The last 3 months of content has been a labor of love for both Robinson and me.  While we would’ve happily done these reviews for just the two of us (and we have (champion level shit, don’t worry about it)), but judging by the 6 of you who consistently commented, it was nice to see some engagement. Only business posts for the next week, when we descend upon Kendallville like locusts during the Plagues of Egypt.

Glendarin Hills #13 – #15

Glendarin Hills #13 – Par 3 – 164 yards – Handicap #16

tKO Average: 4.37 (+1.37, 10th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 13

Birdie Man money rubbing hands gif! Time. To. Get. Paid. $22K on the line! This is easily the best $200 we’ve ever spent on something at tKO. We’ll never actually win it, but shit man, can you even fucking imagine? Every year a few days before tKO, I have the same conversation with my wife. “How much money can I light on fire by way of fireball shots and mudslides if I make that hole in one without getting in trouble?”. Her answer is always too low for my liking, so I’ve decided the best move to just never tell her and spend all the evidence before I leave the city limits. I’m going to need all of us to be on the same page if and when this happens, okay guys?

 

Glendarin Hills #14 – Par 4 – 368 yards – Handicap #14

tKO Average: 5.5 (+1.5, 9th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 14

#14 being the 9th hardest hole is absolutely absurd, because there’s really nothing out there. I’m guessing this has more to do with guys being pretty drunk at this point. At least I hope so. Go ahead and swing away on the tee box, take out the aggression of not becoming an instant 22 thousandaire on the last hole. There’s some trouble left and long, but really nothing to be that afraid of.

During the scramble at tKOVI, it was on the #14 green when a shirtless Danny charged at Cahill like a fucking Rhino, only be tossed aside, sent tumbling down the side of the 15th tee box. It was like Cahill was some kind of judo champion! That or Danny has one skinny leg and a not so great sense of balance. One of those two.

 

Glendarin Hills #15 – Par 4 – 361 yards – Handicap #2

tKO Average: 6.54 (+2.54, 1st hardest for tko participants)

GDH 15

I’m not even going to bother with a hole review or strategic breakdown of how to attack this one, there’s only one thing worth discussing. If you take out Danny’s 16 and Jeremy’s 19 from tKOIX (I might have that backwards, but does it really matter?), the tKO average drops to 6.00 and is now the sixth hardest hole instead of the second. How in the fuck did Jeremy still win this flight with a 19!??! Trash flight, speak for yourself in the comments! I want a 30 for 30 made on this hole. Seriously, tell me everything. I mean, I can’t even.

Round 2 Match Ups

Alright before we jump into your Round 2 matchups, couple things:

  • This weekend is your last chance to post a score on Fairway Files. As of Monday (5/8) morning, whatever you have on the website will be your official index for tKOXI and what I’ll be using on your scorecards and Golf Gamebook. I’M STARING DAGGERS THROUGH YOU MARTY, AS YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON LEFT NOT TO DOWNLOAD IT. I HATE YOU X 1,000,000.
  • Again, these are early lines. I’ll post everyone’s official handicaps next week. And all your scorecards will be marked ahead of time accordingly.
  • Huge mistake welcoming questions last week. Won’t be doing that again. Just make sure you play your ball through on every hole, even after matches has ended. And I’m going to pray to God that at least one person in each foursome has a bleak understanding of how this is all going to work. It me.
  • Officially two weeks out. That means it’s time to start eye fucking weather.com. Looks like there’s going to be a ton of rain between now and game day, so make sure you pack accordingly. After the monsoon at tKOIX, I have complete faith in us being able to handle ANY conditions, but it’s not a bad idea to keep an eye on things. Vet move: Check Kendallville’s weather for Friday and Angola’s weather for Saturday. HUGE DIFFERENT. MASSIVE. It me again.

Cobblestone – Opening Matches

Holes #1 – #9 (Group 1)

  • Andre vs Aschman (+9)
  • Bryce (+5) vs Wally

Holes #1 – #9 (Group 2)

  • Nathan vs Ian (+5)
  • Ben vs Sutton (+7)

Holes #2 – #10

  • Robinson vs Eddie (+2)
  • Kevin vs Keith (+11)

Holes #3 – #11 (Group 1)

  • White James vs Greg (+7)
  • Danny (+14) vs Tall James

Holes #3 – #11 (Group 2)

  • Cahill vs Marty (+4)
  • Pete (+7) vs Lloyd

Holes #4 – #12

  • Asian James vs Shane (+6)
  • Jeremy (+7) vs Austin

Holes #5 – #13

  • Rich vs Hart (+7)
  • Mustang Mark (+7) vs Brendan

Cobblestone – Closing matches

Holes #10 – #18 (Group 1)

  • Andre vs Wally (+4)
  • Bryce vs Aschman (EVEN LINE)

Holes #10 – #18 (Group 2)

  • Ian vs Sutton (+5)
  • Ben (+3) vs Nate

Holes #11 – #1

  • Robinson vs Kevin (+5)
  • Keith (+15) vs Eddie

Holes #12  -#2 (Group 1)

  • White James vs Tall James (+4)
  • Danny (+11) vs Greg

Holes #12 – #2 (Group 2)

  • Cahill vs Lloyd (+1)
  • Pete (+5) vs Marty

Holes #13 – #3

  • Asian James vs Austin (+3)
  • Jeremy (+4) vs Shane

Holes #14 – #4

  • Rich vs Yosh (+2)
  • Caravello (+2) vs Hart

Glendarin Hills #10 – #12

Really appreciate you ballsacks getting smart in the comments last week when I said I’d address your questions. Last time I try that move.

Glendarin Hills #10 – Par 5 – 554 yards – Handicap #6

tKO Average: 6.96 (+1.96, 5th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 10

Just an abso-fucking-lutely perfect golf hole. #10 is the first hole you see as you drive down Glendarin Hill’s version of Magnolia Lane and there could NOT be a more welcoming sight. From the elevated tee box, what I’m guessing is the highest point on the course, you can see 9, 10, 11, 18, and people teeing off on 12. I’ll let you guys in peek behind the curtain here. Standing on the 10th tee box during the morning round is my absolute favorite moment of the entire weekend. The sun’s out in full effect, most the time I’ve just ordered like 50 beers, I look around and can see 27 of my closest friends playing absolute shit golf and I couldn’t feel prouder. I love #10 at Glendarin Hills.

However, I do hate that tee shot. Fuck, that’s intimidating. Vet move, go ahead and yank that drive a mile left into the long shit. More than likely, you are going to lay up anyway and this even gives you a better angle at doing that, because the fairway really extends down the left side. With a creek to carry plus going up hill two clubs, don’t even think about going for it.

The only playoff hole in tKO Scramble history played out here during a monsoon at tKOIX. After Cahill, Mat, Mustang, and I made a bogey, the team of Ian, Tall James, Ben, and Wally only needed a par to win. Unfortunately Wally and Ben were basically dead by way of alcohol. Victims of friendly fire. After landing in a washed out greenside bunker, the window was open. Only to be slammed shut when either Tall James or Ian splashed out a beautiful bunker shot that somehow checked up and left them with a downhill 20 footer for birdie. Again, Wally and Ben were worthless, so they obviously missed their putts. But Ian fucking nailed it and starred our team down with Ian Poulter Ryder Cup Eyes, letting out a primal scream. Jesus Ian, I think I’m falling in love with you while I write these things.

 

Glendarin Hills #11 – Par 4 – 390 yards – Handicap #12

tKO Average: 5.54 (+1.54, 7th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 11

Formerly a long drive hole, I believe we moved away from #11 when someone’s errant drive landing inside that caged trampoline off the left of the fairway. I decided probably not a good idea to encourage extra aggressive swings when children’s lives are at stake. My favorite part about this hole is the annual tradition of like 15 guys finding their drive in one of those backyards and just saying “fuck it, i’m not taking this penalty, I don’t care if the homeowner is on his deck watching me take massive divot after massive divot out of his yard on my practice swings. I’m fucking playing it.”

Two years ago, after an all night ragers where Ben, Stang, Shane, and I actually closed a bar, perhaps tKO’s most ambitious plan was originally hatched. The morning after Stang, Shane, my wife, and I immediately hit the bar for the shampoo effect. The race to beat the hangover was on. And goddamn it, we went Usain Bolt on that bitch. Twelve hours and a $2,000 bar table later, we decided we were going to buy one of those houses off the left fairway and turn it into tKO Ground Zero and vacation rental home. Zillow was pulled up. We looked up current interest rates. All the while, my wife plotted her divorce.

 

Glendarin Hills #12 – Par 4 – 374 yards – Handicap #4

tKO Average: 6.31 (+2.31, 2nd hardest for tko participants)

GDH 12

You probably wouldn’t even think of this hole when trying to pick the hardest holes of the weekend, but it’s right there at the top of the list. I don’t know how many different ways I’ve tried to play this hole, but none of them have worked. Short iron off the tee, in hopes of keeping it in play? Nope, now you have 200 yards to a blind green. Longer iron? Blocked out to the right, now I’m punching out and still have that same 200 yards to a blind green. Saying fuck it, pulling driver, and somehow hitting it straight? Too bad, you drove it through the fairway into the rough, where you have a completely blind shot to an elevated green. This hole is fucking worthless. If anyone has figured out how to play it, please hit the comments.

Glendarin Hills #7 – #9

Glendarin Hills #7 – Par 3 – 164 yards – Handicap #17

tKO Average: 4.19 (+1.19, 15th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 7

Another $70 cash grab for the Closest to the Pin this year and a hole in one will get you a set of golf clubs. Not sure why you’d want a new set of clubs if you just made a hole in one with the ones you have. My advice here? Purposely do not get a hole in one on #7.

Deceptively uphill, make sure you have enough club to clear the bunker short and left of the green. Hills on the right will funnel shots back onto the green, but if you ball gets held up, you’ll have a very tricky downhill chip. #7 is almost exactly the same as #17, so if you are in the hunt for some hardware, keep this in mind when you are making your charge.

 

Glendarin Hills #8 – Par 4 – 337 yards – Handicap #11

tKO Average: 5.21 (+1.21, T-13th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 8

Do not hit a driver here. Just don’t. Even if you hit the shot of your life (you won’t), best case scenario is that you end up in the bunker that guards the front of the green. Worst case scenario, basically every other thing that happens. Take something you can hit 185-200 yards and aim at that tree that appears to be in the middle of the fairway. From there you’ll have a short iron into the shallowest green you’ll see all weekend. You are aware of the bunker short, but don’t miss long, because that’s cart path and then woods. The only relief here is left.

I can’t remember what tKO it was, but #8 is site of the most recent full on Volcano Cahill eruption. Heeding against my advice, he blocked his driver dead right on the other side of the stone wall that runs through the woods. If you didn’t know there was a stone wall in those woods, congrats, you are a much better golfer than I. I am intimately aware of the wall. After 4 or 5 unsuccessful attempts at punching out, Cahill finally emerges. He slammed on the gas so hard, I’m pretty sure he gave whoever was in the cart with him whiplash.

Man, Cahill can be an absolute maniac. There will be a tKO when Cahill DFL’s, not because he comes in last, but he breaks every club in his bag in a murderous rage and has to withdraw. I CANNOT WAIT TO WATCH THIS.

 

Glendarin Hills #9 – Par 4 – 362 yards – Handicap #9

tKO Average: 5.15 (+1.15, T-16th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 9

Does anyone else remember when a fucking helicopter landing on this hole like 3 tKO’s ago? It was never explained to me why, but the moment I saw it, I said “What is Shane up to now?”.

Anyway, a very underrated tKO hole. Bombs away off the tee, hit it far enough and you catch the power slot and you’ll end up like 50 yards short of the green. And those extra 50 yards are a huge advantage. I believe is this one of the few (maybe only?) downhill approach shots. Blast your drive and you’ll be on the same level of the green. Leave it short and you have to figure out how much to club down.

Sweet, sweet relief await you as you hit the club house. It’s usually between 10 and 11 am when you  hit the turn, which means now you have to decide how hard you are going to booze. The cart girls hunker down on 13, so you have 3 holes to buy for at the clubhouse. This is when you can tell who’s in the fight for something and who’s just trying not to take home the DFL. Did you buy a six pack to split with your cart mate? Or did you decide to take a shot, chase it with a double imperial IPA, and then the six pack, which is just holding you over until #13?

Round 1 Match Ups

Little bit of house cleaning before we get to the match ups:

  • Here’s who we have confirmed for the practice round on Thursday at Noble Hawk: Me, Wally, Robinson, Cahill, Asian James, White James, Ian, Ben, Lloyd, Austin. I need written confirmation by Sunday night if anyone else wants in.
  • Couple big time shout outs to some of our fellow tKOers:
    • Word on the street is Ian cranked out another kid on Wednesday? What’s that, number 7? All girls? No karma there, nope, not at all. Congrats man! Also, the rest of you guys should take notes. Wife gave birth 3 weeks before tKO and Ian didn’t even flinch. Never hesitated when confirming his spot in the field. Didn’t ask us to move the date. Didn’t ask us to move the date and then bailed anyway (Not pointing any fingers…. ROBINSON). Ian is god level. Congrats bro!
    • The hardest working man in corporate sponsorships and community outreach just locked down his most lucrative contract to date and finally got engaged to his RX Bar rep! Mazel Tov, Pete (& Jess)! Pete, I don’t want to butt into your business too much, but I hope you are at least considering getting married at Glendarin Hills after next year’s tKO scramble. It’s perfectly located an hour or so from Kalamazoo and directly between Springfield and Chicago. Just saying…

The lines won’t be final until May 8th and I’ll put a post up when they are officially locked in. So the lines below are extremely early, bang on these soft numbers before the smart money comes in and they move 2 strokes in either direction.

Just a reminder, each round on Friday consists of 2 nine hole matches. Since we’re shotgun starting, that means in most of your cases, your matches will NOT be holes 1-9 and 10-18. Your match will be the first nine holes you play and the second nine holes, think Augusta National. And before you start bitching about what hole you are starting on, we set these up well before we knew the teams. The only team we gave preferential treatment to was RWTW, they’ll be starting on #1 both rounds on Friday. I’m sure this is all very confusing for some of you, so we’re making custom scorecards that will hopefully clear anything up. One of you will still ask me so stupid that it will make my nose bleed, but I’m mentally preparing myself for that already. You know what, let’s get that over with now, put your stupid questions in the comments for me to address.

All matches are worth one point per team. Matches tied after 9 holes will be worth .5 points. Lines will definitely change between now and tKOXI, and perhaps the starting holes too, but these will be round one foursomes and match ups. Round two coming next week.

Noble Hawk – Opening matches

Holes #1-9 (Group 1)

  • Ian (+4) vs Robinson
  • Bryce (+1) vs Hart

Holes #1-9 (Group 2)

  • Dre vs Eddie (+4)
  • Ben vs Danny (+14)

Holes #18-8

  • White James vs Wally (+5)
  • Kevin vs Pete (+4)

Holes 17-7 (Group 1)

  • Asian James vs Lloyd (+1)
  • Greg vs Caravello (+5)

Holes 17-7 (Group 2)

  • Nathan vs Yosh (+3)
  • Shane vs Keith (+9)

Holes 16-6

  • Tall James (+2) vs Cahill
  • Aschman vs Jeremy (+4)

Holes 15-5

  • Rich vs Austin (+4)
  • Marty vs Sutton (+5)

Noble Hawk – Closing matches

Holes 10-18 (Group 1)

  • Ian vs Hart (+3)
  • Bryce (+8) vs Robinson

Holes 10-18 (Group 2)

  • Dre vs Danny (+18)
  • Ben vs Eddie (even)

Holes 9-17

  • White James vs Pete (+12)
  • Kevin (+3) vs Wally

Holes 8-16 (Group 1)

  • Asian James vs Caravello (+8)
  • Lloyd vs Greg (+2)

Holes 8-16 (Group 2)

  • Nate vs Keith (+17)
  • Shane (+5) vs Yosh

Holes 7-15

  • Cahill vs Jeremy (+11)
  • Aschman (+5) vs Tall James

Holes 6-14

  • Rich vs Sutton (+10)
  • Marty vs Austin (even)

Glendarin Hills #4 – #6

Glendarin Hills #4 – Par 3 – 140 yards – Handicap #15

tKO Average: 4.08 (+1.08, 18th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 4

While #4 isn’t the most exciting hole, it is when the big money starts rolling in. Not only can you win a flat screen TV for acing it (likely scenario), but starting this year, closest to the pin will net you $70 in cold hard cash, which you will spend at the bar immediately following the round. Or Taco Bell. Either way, you won’t have it when you wake up in the morning.

All the par 3s at Glendarin are uphill, but this one is the most drastic. It’s at least an extra club and if the pin is tucked back, you might require some shot shaping to hit it close, which none of us can do. Left and long are both dead, miss it short and it can roll all the way back down the false front. There’s a little bit of room out on the right, but I wouldn’t necessarily call it a bail out. Basically, just hit a perfect shot and you might get out of here with a par.

 

Glendarin Hills #5 – Par 5 – 513 yards – Handicap #5

tKO Average: 7.13 (+2.13, 3rd hardest for tko participants)

GDH 5-1

Here it is, THE MOST FAMOUS HOLE IN GOLF. Fuck Amen Corner, #17 at TPC Sawgrass, #18 at Pebble Beach. Glendarin Hills #5 is all that matters in this world. The hardest of doglegs left, the tee shot here has to be precise. Driver is way too much, unless you are trying to cut the corner, which is generally not even attempted until the scramble, and never successfully. You have to be able to hit it at least 180 yards in order to catch the hill and clear the corner. Anything short of that and you’ll be stuck with a sidehill/downhill lay, and you’ll only be able to advance the ball maybe another 100 yards, that will leave you like a mile away. If you manage to clear the corner, you at least view of what’s going on, not that it makes things any easier. You can try to bust out the 3 wood and reach the green in two (you can’t), but that brings the water on the right into play. The smart play is taking something that will put you just short of the water, but still leave you with a wedge approach. All thanks be to my front nine coach White James, who talked me into this tactic during the championship round last year. No Big Deal, just a birdie (net eagle) that essentially won the Bixler.

But enough with that actual golf bullshit, we all know why this hole is a classic. The. Fucking. Unicorn. I hope we can get to the bottom of this in the comments. While I don’t have video evidence, I feel like the first person I heard of shotgunning a beer off the unicorn’s head was either Mustang Mark or Shane. Either way Mundelein is definitely in the building. Jesus, we shotgunned so many beers off that fucking thing’s face that someone either broke the goddamn horn off or it was removed because we’d started a revolution, leading to this epic twitter back and forth. If you haven’t shotgunned a beer off the ‘corn, then you really haven’t experienced the Kendallville Open. I’m extremely proud of our community outreach efforts, but if we don’t get that goddamn unicorn’s horn back and with a plaque dedicated to The Kendallville Open, then everything I’ve ever done is a failure. It wasn’t until Mike sent me the MS Paint file that I realized the unicorn hole in fact looks like a unicorn. This is some Inception shit. Never tell me Glendarin Hills isn’t the greatest golf course on earth.

When I die, sprinkle my ashes on this hole.

 

Glendarin Hills #6 – Par 4 – 375 yards – Handicap #3

tKO Average: 5.27 (+1.27, 12th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 6

Kind of feel bad for #6, it’s just about impossible to follow up legend like #5. It’s like when Bruno Mars (Eddie) and Beyonce played the halftime show of the Super Bowl and then Coldplay came out. Sure, we all kind of like Coldplay, but not at that moment. That’s how I feel about #6. You probably don’t remember anything about it, maybe that has something to do with the beer you just shotgunned, but it’s not all that bad of a hole.

Straight away par 4, with a bunker than runs down the right side, it’s bombs away. Which is exactly what Ian did the one round we’ve played together at tKOIX. I’ll set the scene. tKOIX, Asian James and Ian are locked up in an epic 1v1 match, Greg is sneakily hanging around, and I’m getting boat raced. It’s the front 9 Long Drive hole, so Asian James and I absolutely unload on our drives. They had to be pushing 245 yards. Mammoth shots. Greg steps up and bashes one. Flew our balls by 40 yards. He’s really feeling himself. And then God himself comes down from Heaven and taps Ian on his shoulder. Ian Goddamn Smith just obliterates the ball. Just based on the sound, I assume Ian pulled a Roy Hobbs and the ball is unraveling. From the tee box, it looks like Ian’s driving the green, but depth perception can be tricky from that far out. We get in the carts, AJ and I get out. Greg drives for another 30-40 yards and stops. Ian drives for another 5 goddamn minutes before finally getting to his ball on the apron of the green. I give him my range finder, so he can shoot the tee box and get an accurate number of that drive. He scopes it, smiles, looks at us, and with a throbbing boner says “360”. Ian Smith, 360 yard drive on #6. The only pro level shot in the history of the Kendallville Open. I believe he made a bogey from there.

Bonus story from tKOIX: I had to call my wife from the bathroom by this tee box, when I was throwing up, because I forgot to set something up on the scoring app and I needed her to get on the computer to fix it. It was at that moment that I realized I had forgotten to call her for the last two days. She was very not happy with me.

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