Glendarin Hills #16 – #18

Glendarin Hills #16 – Par 4 – 381 yards – Handicap #8

tKO Average: 6.06 (+2.06, 4th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 16

#16 is my nightmare. As I was cruising to my seven stroke victory last year, I knew this was my last real challenge. The big number is very much in play. Long and little right is wet. Left is in play, but can be problematic, even a safe drive 200 yards leaves you with a treacherous approach, uphill and over the water. To take advantage of this hole, you really have to thread the needle and put your drive down the left side of the fairway. This will still leave you with an uphill tee shot to a shallow green, but it’s a little more manageable.

One of my favorite tKO memories is back from X. Asian James and Ian were deadlocked in an epic battle for our flight. Throwing haymakers back and forth all day, the flight pint glass was going to come down to the last few holes. Ian steps up to the tee, and as expected, unleashed an absolute blast down the right side of the fairway. As the ball slowly re-entered Earth’s atmosphere, we realized he had brought the water into play. Asian James is audibly rooting for Ian’s drive to land in the water. “GET LEGS, GET WET” he screams, “YYYYYYYAAASSS” as it splashes into the pond. Ian is fucked. With three holes left, he had just given AJ two strokes. Now it’s Asian James’ turn to tee off. Knowing that he can’t reach the water, AJ sees no reason to play it safe, and pulls driver. And pull it he does. Snap hook into the long grass left of the fairway, not a great place to be, but certainly not dead. As we pull up to where we think AJ’s ball is, we all get out to help look…. EXCEPT IAN. He just sits in the cart, chain smoking and refusing to help search. It was just a diabolically hateful move. I loved every second of it. Asian James lost the ball and I believe the match went tied to the 18th hole, where Ian had an eagle putt to win the flight and ended up 5 putting for double or something ridiculous like that.


Glendarin Hills #17 – Par 3 – 136 yards – Handicap #18

tKO Average: 4.15 (+1.15, T-16th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 17

Alright, your last chance to win $70 for Closest to the Pin and I believe the hole in one prize is a free round trip ticket anywhere in the continental US. If someone makes a hole in one here and doesn’t use that ticket to fly back to Fort Wayne, then you don’t deserve that ticket anyway. Another uphill par three with a false front. Now that I think about it, the par threes at Glendarin Hills kind of suck. Would it kill you to build an island green that we had to  jump our carts off a ramp to get to, Glen?

We’re really just setting the table for the 18th. Everything happens on the 18th.


Glendarin Hills #18 – Par 5 – 475 yards – Handicap #10

tKO Average: 6.21 (+1.21, T-13th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 18

Alright, it all comes down to this. Even though we’ve only played our championship round for two years now, it might be our most famous hole. Most recently, RWTW chipped in for eagle during last year’s scramble, eventually winning the team championship by one point. Nate rolled in a par putt to hold off a hard charging Robinson and win his third consecutive RDGC. Playing prevent defense, I made bogey to wrap up the most lopsided* Bixler race in tKO history. But despite all the accolades won on #18, some of my favorite memories aren’t from competition, unless you include the wrestling contest I challenged Ian to during which he promptly broke my back. The Kendallville Open is all about stumbling through the scramble. As the sun begins to set, 12 carts are littered around the 18th fairway. Bodies strewn about the greenside bunkers, looking like the Normandy scene from Saving Private Ryan. Champions are crowned at noon off the 18th green, but true greatness isn’t realized there until the evening.

* – Marty’s handicap for tKOVI was both absurd and completely illegitimate. .

And thus concludes our previews of every hole you’ll see at the Kendallville Open. I hope you’ve been taking notes. The last 3 months of content has been a labor of love for both Robinson and me.  While we would’ve happily done these reviews for just the two of us (and we have (champion level shit, don’t worry about it)), but judging by the 6 of you who consistently commented, it was nice to see some engagement. Only business posts for the next week, when we descend upon Kendallville like locusts during the Plagues of Egypt.


Glendarin Hills #13 – #15

Glendarin Hills #13 – Par 3 – 164 yards – Handicap #16

tKO Average: 4.37 (+1.37, 10th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 13

Birdie Man money rubbing hands gif! Time. To. Get. Paid. $22K on the line! This is easily the best $200 we’ve ever spent on something at tKO. We’ll never actually win it, but shit man, can you even fucking imagine? Every year a few days before tKO, I have the same conversation with my wife. “How much money can I light on fire by way of fireball shots and mudslides if I make that hole in one without getting in trouble?”. Her answer is always too low for my liking, so I’ve decided the best move to just never tell her and spend all the evidence before I leave the city limits. I’m going to need all of us to be on the same page if and when this happens, okay guys?


Glendarin Hills #14 – Par 4 – 368 yards – Handicap #14

tKO Average: 5.5 (+1.5, 9th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 14

#14 being the 9th hardest hole is absolutely absurd, because there’s really nothing out there. I’m guessing this has more to do with guys being pretty drunk at this point. At least I hope so. Go ahead and swing away on the tee box, take out the aggression of not becoming an instant 22 thousandaire on the last hole. There’s some trouble left and long, but really nothing to be that afraid of.

During the scramble at tKOVI, it was on the #14 green when a shirtless Danny charged at Cahill like a fucking Rhino, only be tossed aside, sent tumbling down the side of the 15th tee box. It was like Cahill was some kind of judo champion! That or Danny has one skinny leg and a not so great sense of balance. One of those two.


Glendarin Hills #15 – Par 4 – 361 yards – Handicap #2

tKO Average: 6.54 (+2.54, 1st hardest for tko participants)

GDH 15

I’m not even going to bother with a hole review or strategic breakdown of how to attack this one, there’s only one thing worth discussing. If you take out Danny’s 16 and Jeremy’s 19 from tKOIX (I might have that backwards, but does it really matter?), the tKO average drops to 6.00 and is now the sixth hardest hole instead of the second. How in the fuck did Jeremy still win this flight with a 19!??! Trash flight, speak for yourself in the comments! I want a 30 for 30 made on this hole. Seriously, tell me everything. I mean, I can’t even.

Round 2 Match Ups

Alright before we jump into your Round 2 matchups, couple things:

  • This weekend is your last chance to post a score on Fairway Files. As of Monday (5/8) morning, whatever you have on the website will be your official index for tKOXI and what I’ll be using on your scorecards and Golf Gamebook. I’M STARING DAGGERS THROUGH YOU MARTY, AS YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON LEFT NOT TO DOWNLOAD IT. I HATE YOU X 1,000,000.
  • Again, these are early lines. I’ll post everyone’s official handicaps next week. And all your scorecards will be marked ahead of time accordingly.
  • Huge mistake welcoming questions last week. Won’t be doing that again. Just make sure you play your ball through on every hole, even after matches has ended. And I’m going to pray to God that at least one person in each foursome has a bleak understanding of how this is all going to work. It me.
  • Officially two weeks out. That means it’s time to start eye fucking Looks like there’s going to be a ton of rain between now and game day, so make sure you pack accordingly. After the monsoon at tKOIX, I have complete faith in us being able to handle ANY conditions, but it’s not a bad idea to keep an eye on things. Vet move: Check Kendallville’s weather for Friday and Angola’s weather for Saturday. HUGE DIFFERENT. MASSIVE. It me again.

Cobblestone – Opening Matches

Holes #1 – #9 (Group 1)

  • Andre vs Aschman (+9)
  • Bryce (+5) vs Wally

Holes #1 – #9 (Group 2)

  • Nathan vs Ian (+5)
  • Ben vs Sutton (+7)

Holes #2 – #10

  • Robinson vs Eddie (+2)
  • Kevin vs Keith (+11)

Holes #3 – #11 (Group 1)

  • White James vs Greg (+7)
  • Danny (+14) vs Tall James

Holes #3 – #11 (Group 2)

  • Cahill vs Marty (+4)
  • Pete (+7) vs Lloyd

Holes #4 – #12

  • Asian James vs Shane (+6)
  • Jeremy (+7) vs Austin

Holes #5 – #13

  • Rich vs Hart (+7)
  • Mustang Mark (+7) vs Brendan

Cobblestone – Closing matches

Holes #10 – #18 (Group 1)

  • Andre vs Wally (+4)
  • Bryce vs Aschman (EVEN LINE)

Holes #10 – #18 (Group 2)

  • Ian vs Sutton (+5)
  • Ben (+3) vs Nate

Holes #11 – #1

  • Robinson vs Kevin (+5)
  • Keith (+15) vs Eddie

Holes #12  -#2 (Group 1)

  • White James vs Tall James (+4)
  • Danny (+11) vs Greg

Holes #12 – #2 (Group 2)

  • Cahill vs Lloyd (+1)
  • Pete (+5) vs Marty

Holes #13 – #3

  • Asian James vs Austin (+3)
  • Jeremy (+4) vs Shane

Holes #14 – #4

  • Rich vs Yosh (+2)
  • Caravello (+2) vs Hart

Glendarin Hills #10 – #12

Really appreciate you ballsacks getting smart in the comments last week when I said I’d address your questions. Last time I try that move.

Glendarin Hills #10 – Par 5 – 554 yards – Handicap #6

tKO Average: 6.96 (+1.96, 5th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 10

Just an abso-fucking-lutely perfect golf hole. #10 is the first hole you see as you drive down Glendarin Hill’s version of Magnolia Lane and there could NOT be a more welcoming sight. From the elevated tee box, what I’m guessing is the highest point on the course, you can see 9, 10, 11, 18, and people teeing off on 12. I’ll let you guys in peek behind the curtain here. Standing on the 10th tee box during the morning round is my absolute favorite moment of the entire weekend. The sun’s out in full effect, most the time I’ve just ordered like 50 beers, I look around and can see 27 of my closest friends playing absolute shit golf and I couldn’t feel prouder. I love #10 at Glendarin Hills.

However, I do hate that tee shot. Fuck, that’s intimidating. Vet move, go ahead and yank that drive a mile left into the long shit. More than likely, you are going to lay up anyway and this even gives you a better angle at doing that, because the fairway really extends down the left side. With a creek to carry plus going up hill two clubs, don’t even think about going for it.

The only playoff hole in tKO Scramble history played out here during a monsoon at tKOIX. After Cahill, Mat, Mustang, and I made a bogey, the team of Ian, Tall James, Ben, and Wally only needed a par to win. Unfortunately Wally and Ben were basically dead by way of alcohol. Victims of friendly fire. After landing in a washed out greenside bunker, the window was open. Only to be slammed shut when either Tall James or Ian splashed out a beautiful bunker shot that somehow checked up and left them with a downhill 20 footer for birdie. Again, Wally and Ben were worthless, so they obviously missed their putts. But Ian fucking nailed it and starred our team down with Ian Poulter Ryder Cup Eyes, letting out a primal scream. Jesus Ian, I think I’m falling in love with you while I write these things.


Glendarin Hills #11 – Par 4 – 390 yards – Handicap #12

tKO Average: 5.54 (+1.54, 7th hardest for tko participants)

GDH 11

Formerly a long drive hole, I believe we moved away from #11 when someone’s errant drive landing inside that caged trampoline off the left of the fairway. I decided probably not a good idea to encourage extra aggressive swings when children’s lives are at stake. My favorite part about this hole is the annual tradition of like 15 guys finding their drive in one of those backyards and just saying “fuck it, i’m not taking this penalty, I don’t care if the homeowner is on his deck watching me take massive divot after massive divot out of his yard on my practice swings. I’m fucking playing it.”

Two years ago, after an all night ragers where Ben, Stang, Shane, and I actually closed a bar, perhaps tKO’s most ambitious plan was originally hatched. The morning after Stang, Shane, my wife, and I immediately hit the bar for the shampoo effect. The race to beat the hangover was on. And goddamn it, we went Usain Bolt on that bitch. Twelve hours and a $2,000 bar table later, we decided we were going to buy one of those houses off the left fairway and turn it into tKO Ground Zero and vacation rental home. Zillow was pulled up. We looked up current interest rates. All the while, my wife plotted her divorce.


Glendarin Hills #12 – Par 4 – 374 yards – Handicap #4

tKO Average: 6.31 (+2.31, 2nd hardest for tko participants)

GDH 12

You probably wouldn’t even think of this hole when trying to pick the hardest holes of the weekend, but it’s right there at the top of the list. I don’t know how many different ways I’ve tried to play this hole, but none of them have worked. Short iron off the tee, in hopes of keeping it in play? Nope, now you have 200 yards to a blind green. Longer iron? Blocked out to the right, now I’m punching out and still have that same 200 yards to a blind green. Saying fuck it, pulling driver, and somehow hitting it straight? Too bad, you drove it through the fairway into the rough, where you have a completely blind shot to an elevated green. This hole is fucking worthless. If anyone has figured out how to play it, please hit the comments.

Glendarin Hills #7 – #9

Glendarin Hills #7 – Par 3 – 164 yards – Handicap #17

tKO Average: 4.19 (+1.19, 15th hardest for tko participants)


Another $70 cash grab for the Closest to the Pin this year and a hole in one will get you a set of golf clubs. Not sure why you’d want a new set of clubs if you just made a hole in one with the ones you have. My advice here? Purposely do not get a hole in one on #7.

Deceptively uphill, make sure you have enough club to clear the bunker short and left of the green. Hills on the right will funnel shots back onto the green, but if you ball gets held up, you’ll have a very tricky downhill chip. #7 is almost exactly the same as #17, so if you are in the hunt for some hardware, keep this in mind when you are making your charge.


Glendarin Hills #8 – Par 4 – 337 yards – Handicap #11

tKO Average: 5.21 (+1.21, T-13th hardest for tko participants)


Do not hit a driver here. Just don’t. Even if you hit the shot of your life (you won’t), best case scenario is that you end up in the bunker that guards the front of the green. Worst case scenario, basically every other thing that happens. Take something you can hit 185-200 yards and aim at that tree that appears to be in the middle of the fairway. From there you’ll have a short iron into the shallowest green you’ll see all weekend. You are aware of the bunker short, but don’t miss long, because that’s cart path and then woods. The only relief here is left.

I can’t remember what tKO it was, but #8 is site of the most recent full on Volcano Cahill eruption. Heeding against my advice, he blocked his driver dead right on the other side of the stone wall that runs through the woods. If you didn’t know there was a stone wall in those woods, congrats, you are a much better golfer than I. I am intimately aware of the wall. After 4 or 5 unsuccessful attempts at punching out, Cahill finally emerges. He slammed on the gas so hard, I’m pretty sure he gave whoever was in the cart with him whiplash.

Man, Cahill can be an absolute maniac. There will be a tKO when Cahill DFL’s, not because he comes in last, but he breaks every club in his bag in a murderous rage and has to withdraw. I CANNOT WAIT TO WATCH THIS.


Glendarin Hills #9 – Par 4 – 362 yards – Handicap #9

tKO Average: 5.15 (+1.15, T-16th hardest for tko participants)


Does anyone else remember when a fucking helicopter landing on this hole like 3 tKO’s ago? It was never explained to me why, but the moment I saw it, I said “What is Shane up to now?”.

Anyway, a very underrated tKO hole. Bombs away off the tee, hit it far enough and you catch the power slot and you’ll end up like 50 yards short of the green. And those extra 50 yards are a huge advantage. I believe is this one of the few (maybe only?) downhill approach shots. Blast your drive and you’ll be on the same level of the green. Leave it short and you have to figure out how much to club down.

Sweet, sweet relief await you as you hit the club house. It’s usually between 10 and 11 am when you  hit the turn, which means now you have to decide how hard you are going to booze. The cart girls hunker down on 13, so you have 3 holes to buy for at the clubhouse. This is when you can tell who’s in the fight for something and who’s just trying not to take home the DFL. Did you buy a six pack to split with your cart mate? Or did you decide to take a shot, chase it with a double imperial IPA, and then the six pack, which is just holding you over until #13?

Round 1 Match Ups

Little bit of house cleaning before we get to the match ups:

  • Here’s who we have confirmed for the practice round on Thursday at Noble Hawk: Me, Wally, Robinson, Cahill, Asian James, White James, Ian, Ben, Lloyd, Austin. I need written confirmation by Sunday night if anyone else wants in.
  • Couple big time shout outs to some of our fellow tKOers:
    • Word on the street is Ian cranked out another kid on Wednesday? What’s that, number 7? All girls? No karma there, nope, not at all. Congrats man! Also, the rest of you guys should take notes. Wife gave birth 3 weeks before tKO and Ian didn’t even flinch. Never hesitated when confirming his spot in the field. Didn’t ask us to move the date. Didn’t ask us to move the date and then bailed anyway (Not pointing any fingers…. ROBINSON). Ian is god level. Congrats bro!
    • The hardest working man in corporate sponsorships and community outreach just locked down his most lucrative contract to date and finally got engaged to his RX Bar rep! Mazel Tov, Pete (& Jess)! Pete, I don’t want to butt into your business too much, but I hope you are at least considering getting married at Glendarin Hills after next year’s tKO scramble. It’s perfectly located an hour or so from Kalamazoo and directly between Springfield and Chicago. Just saying…

The lines won’t be final until May 8th and I’ll put a post up when they are officially locked in. So the lines below are extremely early, bang on these soft numbers before the smart money comes in and they move 2 strokes in either direction.

Just a reminder, each round on Friday consists of 2 nine hole matches. Since we’re shotgun starting, that means in most of your cases, your matches will NOT be holes 1-9 and 10-18. Your match will be the first nine holes you play and the second nine holes, think Augusta National. And before you start bitching about what hole you are starting on, we set these up well before we knew the teams. The only team we gave preferential treatment to was RWTW, they’ll be starting on #1 both rounds on Friday. I’m sure this is all very confusing for some of you, so we’re making custom scorecards that will hopefully clear anything up. One of you will still ask me so stupid that it will make my nose bleed, but I’m mentally preparing myself for that already. You know what, let’s get that over with now, put your stupid questions in the comments for me to address.

All matches are worth one point per team. Matches tied after 9 holes will be worth .5 points. Lines will definitely change between now and tKOXI, and perhaps the starting holes too, but these will be round one foursomes and match ups. Round two coming next week.

Noble Hawk – Opening matches

Holes #1-9 (Group 1)

  • Ian (+4) vs Robinson
  • Bryce (+1) vs Hart

Holes #1-9 (Group 2)

  • Dre vs Eddie (+4)
  • Ben vs Danny (+14)

Holes #18-8

  • White James vs Wally (+5)
  • Kevin vs Pete (+4)

Holes 17-7 (Group 1)

  • Asian James vs Lloyd (+1)
  • Greg vs Caravello (+5)

Holes 17-7 (Group 2)

  • Nathan vs Yosh (+3)
  • Shane vs Keith (+9)

Holes 16-6

  • Tall James (+2) vs Cahill
  • Aschman vs Jeremy (+4)

Holes 15-5

  • Rich vs Austin (+4)
  • Marty vs Sutton (+5)

Noble Hawk – Closing matches

Holes 10-18 (Group 1)

  • Ian vs Hart (+3)
  • Bryce (+8) vs Robinson

Holes 10-18 (Group 2)

  • Dre vs Danny (+18)
  • Ben vs Eddie (even)

Holes 9-17

  • White James vs Pete (+12)
  • Kevin (+3) vs Wally

Holes 8-16 (Group 1)

  • Asian James vs Caravello (+8)
  • Lloyd vs Greg (+2)

Holes 8-16 (Group 2)

  • Nate vs Keith (+17)
  • Shane (+5) vs Yosh

Holes 7-15

  • Cahill vs Jeremy (+11)
  • Aschman (+5) vs Tall James

Holes 6-14

  • Rich vs Sutton (+10)
  • Marty vs Austin (even)

Glendarin Hills #4 – #6

Glendarin Hills #4 – Par 3 – 140 yards – Handicap #15

tKO Average: 4.08 (+1.08, 18th hardest for tko participants)


While #4 isn’t the most exciting hole, it is when the big money starts rolling in. Not only can you win a flat screen TV for acing it (likely scenario), but starting this year, closest to the pin will net you $70 in cold hard cash, which you will spend at the bar immediately following the round. Or Taco Bell. Either way, you won’t have it when you wake up in the morning.

All the par 3s at Glendarin are uphill, but this one is the most drastic. It’s at least an extra club and if the pin is tucked back, you might require some shot shaping to hit it close, which none of us can do. Left and long are both dead, miss it short and it can roll all the way back down the false front. There’s a little bit of room out on the right, but I wouldn’t necessarily call it a bail out. Basically, just hit a perfect shot and you might get out of here with a par.


Glendarin Hills #5 – Par 5 – 513 yards – Handicap #5

tKO Average: 7.13 (+2.13, 3rd hardest for tko participants)

GDH 5-1

Here it is, THE MOST FAMOUS HOLE IN GOLF. Fuck Amen Corner, #17 at TPC Sawgrass, #18 at Pebble Beach. Glendarin Hills #5 is all that matters in this world. The hardest of doglegs left, the tee shot here has to be precise. Driver is way too much, unless you are trying to cut the corner, which is generally not even attempted until the scramble, and never successfully. You have to be able to hit it at least 180 yards in order to catch the hill and clear the corner. Anything short of that and you’ll be stuck with a sidehill/downhill lay, and you’ll only be able to advance the ball maybe another 100 yards, that will leave you like a mile away. If you manage to clear the corner, you at least view of what’s going on, not that it makes things any easier. You can try to bust out the 3 wood and reach the green in two (you can’t), but that brings the water on the right into play. The smart play is taking something that will put you just short of the water, but still leave you with a wedge approach. All thanks be to my front nine coach White James, who talked me into this tactic during the championship round last year. No Big Deal, just a birdie (net eagle) that essentially won the Bixler.

But enough with that actual golf bullshit, we all know why this hole is a classic. The. Fucking. Unicorn. I hope we can get to the bottom of this in the comments. While I don’t have video evidence, I feel like the first person I heard of shotgunning a beer off the unicorn’s head was either Mustang Mark or Shane. Either way Mundelein is definitely in the building. Jesus, we shotgunned so many beers off that fucking thing’s face that someone either broke the goddamn horn off or it was removed because we’d started a revolution, leading to this epic twitter back and forth. If you haven’t shotgunned a beer off the ‘corn, then you really haven’t experienced the Kendallville Open. I’m extremely proud of our community outreach efforts, but if we don’t get that goddamn unicorn’s horn back and with a plaque dedicated to The Kendallville Open, then everything I’ve ever done is a failure. It wasn’t until Mike sent me the MS Paint file that I realized the unicorn hole in fact looks like a unicorn. This is some Inception shit. Never tell me Glendarin Hills isn’t the greatest golf course on earth.

When I die, sprinkle my ashes on this hole.


Glendarin Hills #6 – Par 4 – 375 yards – Handicap #3

tKO Average: 5.27 (+1.27, 12th hardest for tko participants)


Kind of feel bad for #6, it’s just about impossible to follow up legend like #5. It’s like when Bruno Mars (Eddie) and Beyonce played the halftime show of the Super Bowl and then Coldplay came out. Sure, we all kind of like Coldplay, but not at that moment. That’s how I feel about #6. You probably don’t remember anything about it, maybe that has something to do with the beer you just shotgunned, but it’s not all that bad of a hole.

Straight away par 4, with a bunker than runs down the right side, it’s bombs away. Which is exactly what Ian did the one round we’ve played together at tKOIX. I’ll set the scene. tKOIX, Asian James and Ian are locked up in an epic 1v1 match, Greg is sneakily hanging around, and I’m getting boat raced. It’s the front 9 Long Drive hole, so Asian James and I absolutely unload on our drives. They had to be pushing 245 yards. Mammoth shots. Greg steps up and bashes one. Flew our balls by 40 yards. He’s really feeling himself. And then God himself comes down from Heaven and taps Ian on his shoulder. Ian Goddamn Smith just obliterates the ball. Just based on the sound, I assume Ian pulled a Roy Hobbs and the ball is unraveling. From the tee box, it looks like Ian’s driving the green, but depth perception can be tricky from that far out. We get in the carts, AJ and I get out. Greg drives for another 30-40 yards and stops. Ian drives for another 5 goddamn minutes before finally getting to his ball on the apron of the green. I give him my range finder, so he can shoot the tee box and get an accurate number of that drive. He scopes it, smiles, looks at us, and with a throbbing boner says “360”. Ian Smith, 360 yard drive on #6. The only pro level shot in the history of the Kendallville Open. I believe he made a bogey from there.

Bonus story from tKOIX: I had to call my wife from the bathroom by this tee box, when I was throwing up, because I forgot to set something up on the scoring app and I needed her to get on the computer to fix it. It was at that moment that I realized I had forgotten to call her for the last two days. She was very not happy with me.

Glendarin Hills #1 – #3

What we’ve all been waiting for…

Glendarin Hills #1 – Par 4 – 370 yards – Handicap #13

tKO Average: 5.35 (+1.35, 11th hardest for tko participants)


Once you’ve wrapped up Nathan’s 8AM aerobic class on the range, it’s time to head over to #1 and win your flight. Following the theme of all of tKO’s opening holes, #1 at Glendarin Hills is no different. Plenty of room to the right and another huge green. The Ian’s of the world can run their drive right up to the edge of the green, but even the little guys shouldn’t have much more than an 8 iron on their approach.

At tKOIX during a torrential downpour, Hart, Mustang Mark, Cahill and I made an absolute clutch par to force a playoff in the scramble. But highlight was definitely Nathan putting out little Nathan (and I don’t mean one of his kids, who were all at the Best Western) and relieving himself in the middle of the fairway. Legend has it that he did it again on #10 during the playoff hole. So remember if you catch it a little fat from the middle of the fairway this year, it’s a little soggy over there.

Would you guys just like me to recap my champion round from tKOX? I’d be happy to. I missed the fairway left here, but Mickelson-esque cut punch to the back of the green. I could do this all day, people.

Glendarin Hills #2 – Par 4 – 370 yards – Handicap #7

tKO Average: 5.52 (+1.52, 8th hardest for tko participants)


Absolutely diabolical hole. Shocked it was only the 8th hardest hole on the course. There’s not a moment of relief. Driver off the tee can reach the lake on the left and the bunkers that are perfectly placed along both sides of the fairway. They’ve cleared out the long stuff way right a little bit over the years, but not so much to leave you with an approach shot from down there. If you manage to thread the needle with your driver, you aren’t even close to being done. The green is back uphill, wraps around a lake on the left, and slopes severely back to front. The smartest play is probably to aim right of the green, taking the water out of play, and hope to make bogey.


I’d say that it’s not very cool of Glen to drop this hole on us so early in the round, but after all the shameful things we’ve done at this course, I can’t really be that upset.

Glendarin Hills #3 – Par 5 – 500 yards – Handicap #1

tKO Average: 6.69 (+1.69, 6th hardest for tko participants)


So you were probably too hungover to properly warm up on the range and you got your ass kicked by the first two holes, but now you are finally getting in a groove. Time to grip it and rip it. The fairway is a mile wide, but even if you miss the fairway huge hills on both sides kind of funnel your ball back into play. You can certainly miss wide of those hills and be fucked (been there, done that), but for the most part, you are free to swing away here.

Your second shot is make or break. The long boyz can probably reach down and get to the green (or close) in two, but that brings the lake on the left and woods on the right into play. Laying up, like it is basically every time, is probably the right move. But fuck that, you’re going for it. And nope, now you’re fucked. Hence the 6.69 average on this hole. No matter what you do, DO NOT MISS THIS GREEN LONG. That is a jail sentence. Another severe back to front sloped green, and you can kiss any chance of keep your ball on the green if you end up over the back.

Bonus: Usually the first sighting of the beverage cart! Let’s get weird, gentlemen!

Glendarin Hills Preview

25 days left. Glendarin Hills hole by hole breakdown starts tomorrow. But until then, it’s good day to hit the range.


GDH Range

Team Names

Couple things before the grand reveal of all the team names.

  • Big shout out to everyone who has already paid. There’s still a handful of guys who haven’t paid yet. If you can get it to me by the end of the month, it would be much appreciated. After that, I’m going to start putting you on blast. Shame, shame, shame.
  • Handicaps will be finalized on May 8th, so whatever you have in Fairway Files that morning is what we’ll be using for tKOXI. I need a couple weeks to make sure I have things setup correctly for our matches and on Golf Gamebook.
  • Speaking of Golf Gamebook, Eddie, Wally, Marty and Cahill are the only people who aren’t on the app right now. Wally has a phone that was built by Alexander Graham Bell himself, so he has an excuse. I’ve already saddled Eddie with Danny, so I don’t want to put too much on him already, however I’d really appreciate if he got on there. Marty and Cahill, are you two out here just to make me miserable? It’s been 3 years already. Download the goddamn app.

Time to meet you competition…

tKO Success Ranking [TSR] = RDGC’s + Bixler’s + Flight Pints – DFL’s


Roll With The Winners – Andre, Ben, Ian, Bryce

TSR = 1

The early favorites to go back to back and take home the title. While the team name certainly makes sense this year, going with it last year was an awfully bold statement, considering they have no titles and only 2 flights between the entire team (and a pre-expansion DFL). But they got those sweet hats though.


Nine Pints* And a Blazer – Asian James, Tall James, Greg, Jeremy

TSR = 10

Immediately after the draw this was the consensus pick for mostly likely to knock off RWTW. I’ve been on scramble teams with all these guys & each of them bring something to the table. Tall James & Greg can blast it. Jeremy has a speaker & like a typical Asian, AJ has charging station. Bonus points for incredible logo details.



Robot 1 - Black

Random Team Name Generators – White James, Eddie, Kevin, Danny

TSR = 2 (oof.)

No idea what to expect here. White James & Kevin together again, hopefully with better results than last year. Danny back after a year hiatus. & Eddie. Oh Eddie, you’re in for an interesting weekend. I heard there was a Team Jim Harbaugh’s idea that involved Walmart khakis that got killed. Chemistry issues already?




Wally & The Whales – Cahill, Wally, Aschman, Pete

TSR = 5

Absolutely fascinating to see how the team dynamic goes here. Will the uber-chill of Wally & Cahill counteract Volcano Cahill? Are there just too many personalities here? As an ex-Tall Boy, I have the utmost faith in Pete to pull this team together, but he’s going to have his hands full.




Three F Mafia – Fuck Fairway Files – Rich, Lloyd, Marty, Caravello

TSR = 5

And here is my pick to unseat the champs. Probably the most affable dude from each pool all on one team. They’re like a super team of fun to be around dudes, the Golden State Good Dudes. Very excited to see how the rest of the boys do with deciphering Lloyd’s accent, especially after 15 Bud Lights.


Glendarin Hills Swim Team – Nathan, Austin, Shane, Sutton

TSR = 9

These ballsacks were moments away from being Team Dick Hair when the came through with this gem of a team name. And their own highlight reel! GHST is kind of paired off with Nate/Sutton and Shane/Austin, but I don’t see anyway these guys don’t become fast friends. Which means over par score in the scramble.

And saving the best for last….

theMarlboromenThe Marlboro Men – Robinson, Yosh,  Hart, Keith

TSR = 9

Cute names and all, you guys, but there was really never a competition. Just wait until what you see what we have in store for the weekend, that is if you can see us behind a cloud of smoke.

Look for those Glendarin Hills previews to start dropping next week. We’re exactly 4 weeks from D-Day. Time to start getting focused.

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