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Round 2 Matchups – Ready… FIGHT


I booked the trip yesterday and my girl Kathy told me they’ve renovated the Best Western both inside and out. Hopefully our hyper-elite signage was preserved. I’m sure it was. One quick note before the round 2 matchups: I’m locking in the handicaps in on 5/7, so you’ll have Cinco De Mayo weekend to squeeze in one more round.

Just like in round 1, Eleven* Pints will get the honor of starting on the 1st hole. And these lines aren’t final.

Holes #1 – 9 (Group A)

  • Asian James (Eleven Pints*) vs Shane +3 (Old Man & The C’s)
  • Jeremy +9 (Eleven Pints*) vs Wally (Old Man & The C’s)

Holes #1 – 9 (Group B)

  • Greg (Eleven Pints*) vs Hart +2 (Totally Irresponsible)
  • Tall James (Eleven Pints*) vs Lloyd +2 (Totally Irresponsible)

Holes #2 – 10 (Group A)

  • White James (The James Gang) vs Marty +4 (The Nice Guys)
  • Pete +5 (The James Gang) vs Murphy (The Nice Guys)

Holes #2 – 10 (Group B)

  • Cahill (The Old Man & The C’s) vs Kevin +5 (Boyz II Glen)
  • Caravello +7 (The Old Man & The C’s) vs Ben (Boyz II Glen)

Holes #3 – 11 (Group A)

  • Nate (Totally Irresponsible) vs Ian +5 (Butt Monsters)
  • Danny +12 (Totally Irresponsible) vs Brendan (Butt Monsters)

Holes #3 – 11 (Group B)

  • Trey (The James Gang) vs Keith +13 (Boyz II Glen)
  • Aschman +7 (The James Gang) vs Robinson (Boyz II Glen)

Holes #4 – 12

  • Andre (Butt Monsters) vs Rich +2 (The Nice Guys)
  • Bryce (Butt Monsters) vs Sutton +2 (The Nice Guys)

Again, you should be able to figure this out, but here are your second nine matches.

Holes #10 – 18 (Group A)

  • Asian James (Eleven Pints*) vs Wally (Old Man & The C’s) – EVEN LINE
  • Jeremy +6 (Eleven Pints*) vs Shane (Old Man & The C’s)

Holes #10 – 18 (Group B)

  • Lloyd (Totally Irresponsible) vs Greg +2 (Eleven Pints*)
  • Mat Hart +6 (Totally Irresponsible) vs Tall James (Eleven Pints*)

Holes #11 – 1 (Group A)

  • White James (The James Gang) vs Murphy +5 (The Nice Guys)
  • Pete +6 (The James Gang) vs Marty (The Nice Guys)

Holes #11 – 1 (Group B)

  • Cahill (Old Man & The C’s) vs Ben +1 (Boyz II Glen)
  • Caravello +3 (Old Man & The C’s) vs Kevin (Boyz II Glen)

Holes #12 – 2 (Group A)

  • Nate (Totally Irresponsible) vs Brendan +2 (Butt Monsters)
  • Danny +9 (Totally Irresponsible) vs Ian (Butt Monsters)

Holes #12 – 2 (Group B)

  • Robinson (Boyz II Glen) vs Trey +4 (The James Gang)
  • Keith +10 (Boyz II Glen) vs Aschman (The James Gang)

Holes #13 – 3

  • Andre (Butt Monsters) vs Sutton +12 (The Nice Guys)
  • Bryce +8 (Butt Monsters) vs Rich (The Nice Guys)

21 Days until The Kendallville Open XII

11 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXII


Round 1 – Let’s Get It On

Before I jump into the morning session matchups, huge shoutout to Danny for his big news. In case you missed it, Danny joins Kevin in the Expectant Father Club at this year’s tournament. However, Danny did it like a grizzled vet and his kid isn’t due until the fall, unlike some of you who decided to cut it way, way too close for comfort. Congrats Danny, I’d say I’ll buy you a drink at tKO, but that would make the assumption that there will even be a moment when you don’t already have one in hand.


One month out, L.F.G. Here are your morning session matches and the very, very early lines. Official lines won’t set until May 4th when your playing handicaps are locked in. So if you are sitting on any old scores, make sure they are all in Fairway Files by then. Afternoon session matches come out next Friday.

As defending champs, Eleven Pints* get to start all their Friday rounds on hole #1. I use a very basic formula to come up with the matchups and promise I didn’t play any favorites here. So don’t start bitching to me about what hole you start on or who you are playing with.

Holes #1 – 9 (Group A)

  • White James (The James Gang) vs Greg +6 (Eleven Pints*)
  • Aschman (The James Gang) vs Jeremy +4 (Eleven Pints*)

Holes #1 – 9 (Group B)

  • Asian James (Eleven Pints*) vs Marty +1 (The Nice Guys)
  • Tall James (Eleven Pints*) vs Sutton +9 (The Nice Guys)

Holes #18 – 8 (Group A)

  • Rich (The Nice Guys) vs Wally +2 (Old Man & The C’s)
  • Murphy (The Nice Guys) vs Caravello +4 (Old Man & The C’s)

Holes #18 – 8 (Group B)

  • Robinson (Boyz II Glen) vs Brendan +2 (Butt Monsters)
  • Kevin (Boyz II Glen) vs Bryce +3 (Butt Monsters)

Holes #17 – 7 (Group A)

  • Dre (Butt Monsters) vs Trey +6 (The James Gang)
  • Ian (Butt Monsters) vs Pete +4 (The James Gang)

Holes #17 – 7 (Group B)

  • Cahill (Old Man & The C’s) vs Lloyd +3 (Totally Irresponsible)
  • Shane (Old Man & The C’s) vs Danny +9 (Totally Irresponsible)

Holes #16 – 6

  • Nate (Totally Irresponsible) vs Ben +1 (Boyz II Glen)
  • Hart (Totally Irresponsible) vs Keith +10 (Boyz II Glen)

You probably should be able to figure this out, but here are the matchups for your second match in the Friday morning session.

Holes #10 – 18 (Group A)

  • White James (The James Gang) vs Jeremy +12 (Eleven Pints*)
  • Aschman +2 (The James Gang) vs Greg (Eleven Pints*)

Holes #10 – 18 (Group B)

  • Asian James (Eleven Pints*) vs Sutton +8 (The Nice Guys)
  • Tall James (Eleven Pints*) vs Marty +2 (The Nice Guys)

Holes #9 – 17 (Group A)

  • Rich (The Nice Guys) vs Caravello +8 (Old Man & The C’s)
  • Murphy +2 (The Nice Guys) vs Wally (Old Man & The C’s)

Holes #9 – 17 (Group B)

  • Robinson (Boyz II Glen) vs Bryce +8 (Butt Monsters)
  • Kevin +3 (Boyz II Glen) vs Brendan (Butt Monsters)

Holes #8 – 16 (Group A)

  • Dre (Butt Monsters) vs Pete +11 (The James Gang)
  • Ian +1 (Butt Monsters) vs Trey (The James Gang)

Holes #8 – 16 (Group B)

  • Cahill (Old Man & The C’s) vs Danny +14 (Totally Irresponsible)
  • Shane +2 (Old Man & The C’s) vs Lloyd (Totally Irresponsible)

Holes #7 – 15

  • Nate (Totally Irresponsible) vs Keith +17 (Boyz II Glen)
  • Hart +6 (Totally Irresponsible) vs Ben (Boyz II Glen)

In my very humble opinion, the most intriguing match from the front nine is the Chairman vs his right hand man. Who knows, things might get interesting and we’ll put the future of tKO leadership on the line in this match?

Most intriguing back nine match? It has to be a rematch of Nate vs Keith and his 17 strokes! I’ll need one of them to refresh my memory, but I’m pretty sure Keith took Nate right down to the wire, before Nate closed out the match on the last hole as the storm rolled in. Close second most intriguing is the matchup of the last two Bixler winners. What can I say? I’m an intriguing person.

28 Days until The Kendallville Open XII

18 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXII


Yes, we are basically a month away from tKOXII, the tKO that is supposed to save us from our memories of what a disaster tKOXI was. And yes, it snowed earlier this week. And yes, it’s supposed to snow again next week. But not today, goddamnit. Today it is 40+ degrees in Chicago. Today we dream.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about some of these combinations coming together and form something that at least resembles a cohesive unit, but it looks like I might be proven wrong. I’ve calculated the tKO Success Rating (tSR) for each team (RDGC’s + Bixlers + Flight Pints – DFL’s) and Mike R. has created a whole new predictive metric hereby known as The Robinson Unit, which is based on your teams net scoring against par. You’ll have to contact him for his thesis statement on the analytics behind The Robinson Unit, it’s far too complicated a metric to be explained here. All you need to know is the lower, the better.


Nine Eleven Pints* & a Blazer

Asian James, Tall James, Greg, Jeremy

tSR = 12 , Robinson Unit = 296.2

The defending champs and the statistical favorites by every measure, anything short of another championship would be a massive disappointment. I’m torn on how much I love their broke ass logo and how disrespected I am by it.


Boyz II Glen

Robinson, Ben, Kevin, Keith

tSR = 9, Robinson Unit = 308.6

B2G seemingly has it all. A creative genius for uniforms and team names, of which his backup names might have been better than this. The defending Bixler champ. A former champ, looking to prove expansion hasn’t rendered his game a relic. And the current DFL holder, who wants nothing more than to rid himself of that trophy.


Butt Monsters

Dre, Brendan, Ian, Bryce

tSR = 6, Robinson Unit = 304.7

The name might not make any sense to you, but trust me when I say that no team at tKOXII has established the connection that we have. Don’t even ask.


The Nice Guys

Rich, Marty, Austin, Mark S.

tSR = 6, Robinson Unit = 299.1

The only team in the field with two Bixler winners, albeit Marty’s is complete bullshit. Building the team around their incredibly pleasant demeanor only makes sense. Judging from their logo, I’m guessing they won’t play so nice when the competition gets going. But they probably will. They are just so fucking nice.


The Old Man & The C’s

Cahill, Wally, Shane, Caravello

tSR = 4, Robinson Unit = 305.6

I didn’t think anything was going to top Boyz II Glen, but then Old Man & The C’s and their ridiculous logo made their way into my inbox and I was instantly in love. I wasn’t sure what to think of this team when it was initially drawn, now I don’t see how they can lose.

James Gang

The James’ Gang

White James, Trey, Aschman, Pete

tSR = 9 , Robinson Unit = 318.6

Leave it to these guys to have a logo heavily featuring a dildo strapped to a horse’s head. I can’t believe Cahill and Wally weren’t involved in that creative decision last year. I was a little worried about this team’s chemistry at first, but they seem to be taking to each other rather nicely.



Totally Iresponsible

Nate, Lloyd, Mat, Danny

tSR = 7 , Robinson Unit = 317.6

Just imagine how broke-ass this logo would have been if they didn’t have someone with the artistic eye of an architect on the team. Holy shit, what a trainwreck. I love them.

Round 1 Matchups will come out next week, round 2 the week after that. If you are interested in the practice round, let me know ASAP. So far we have:  me, Robinson, Ian, Rich, Asian James, Wally, Keith, Ben, Lloyd, White James and maybe Austin.

Big ups to anyone that’s paid already, for the handful of guys that haven’t, please get me that $452.00 by the end of the month, if not sooner.

Just over a month out. Snow in the forecast for this Sunday. Let’s. Fucking. Go.


35 Days until The Kendallville Open XII

25 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXII

What are you doing here?

Go to immediately!

But first, send me your tournament entry fee! $452.00! I need it before the end of the month, but the sooner, the better. Big ups to everyone who’s already paid. I love you very much.

And don’t forget to send over your team names and logos by next Thursday.

Basically a month out from when we can start eye f*cking the 10 day forecast. Absolutely not going to panic yet. I’m sure it’s going to warm up 50 degrees in a few weeks. Totally natural weather pattern.


This picture also represents my feelings on Tiger’s current Masters position.

42 Days until The Kendallville Open XII

32 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXII

Good Friday

The financials are in on this year’s the Kendallville Open and I’m happy to announce that we’ve come in significantly under budget. By going with two rounds at Cobblestone and  the school bus instead of multiple vans to Glendarin Hills, we were able to save $20 per person. So this year’s tKO will cost $452. As always, I’m happy to provide a line by line breakdown of that cost at your request. The only added expense this year is an extra $6 per person, to cover the tips for the bus driver and lunches at Cobblestone and Glendarin. By all means, feel free to tip on top of that if you feel inclined, but your basic gratuity is being built into the cost of the tournament. This obviously does not include tips on your (likely absurd) tabs with the beverage carts or bartenders, nor does it include tips for the late night treats at Glendarin. We’ve passed the hat around for the staff at Glendarin at the end of the night in the past, so don’t be surprised if that happens again.

I need to make the payment to the hotel and golf courses by May 1st, so please pay me by then. But if you want to pay now, I’m starting to order all the custom shit next week, so my Venmo/PayPal/Chase Quick Pay are very much open, payment via Chase Quick Pay is preferred. It’s all connected to my Gmail, which you all should have, but if you aren’t sure just hit me up. (Rich – I’ll give you my address for your grandpa checks.)

In other news, here’s the tentative roster for the practice round: me, Wally, Robinson, Ian, Asian James, Ben, Rich, and Keith (WTF?!). If you are interested in the practice round, let me know by mid-April. We’ll be playing Cobblestone around 12:30 on Thursday and it should be about $30, which you pay at the course.

Trey (you guys remember him?) suggested that we fire up a Slack channel for all things tKO. I’m still figuring out the ins and outs of the whole thing, but so far it seems like a pretty great way to connect with everyone. If you are interested in joining up, let me know and I’ll give you the password. It’s crazy exclusive.

Last thing, our fundraising/community outreach lord and savior Pete is hard at work again this year. While securing another generous gift from Applebee’s, they also provided some pictures of our gift to them last year, hanging proudly in Applebee’s Store #75.



White James and Kevin, I hope you are both hard at work on your welcome speeches and champions menu that will be served beneath this, like holy communion in the Sistine Chapel.

FYI: Team logos and names are due in two weeks. I am taking bets on the number of emails have gone back and forth between Nate, Lloyd, Hart, and Danny. The early line is set at =/- 1.5.

49 Days until The Kendallville Open XII

39 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXII

Squad Up

Holy shit. The tension in Parlor on Fright night was almost too much to bear, especially when it came down to the last two teams picked. My god. Watching that UMBC v UVA upset was honestly a nice respite after all the adrenaline coursing through our veins during the draft.

While the group chat for my team started the second Bryce’s name was drawn, I can’t imagine everyone’s team has been quite as proactive. If you don’t have someone on your team’s email address (or cell), holler at me. Because there’s a fair amount of stuff to put together and organize involving team names, get me your team name and logo by 4/12. Any team that fails to submit something by then will be subject to my discretion. For the most part, I don’t think we’ll have any issues there, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think there was one team that I’m fairly certain won’t talk to each other at all leading up to tKO.

We’re officially under two months, and basically no one has played any kind of golf this year, so I’m assuming handicaps are going to jump all over the place over the next couple weeks. But here are my early draft grades:

  1. Asian James, Tall James, Greg, Jeremy – Out of respect for the title, I’m going to put Eleven* Pints at the top of the power rankings. I’m a little concerned about AJ, but I’m firmly in the camp that this is the year that Tall James makes the leap. Without having to chance courses between rounds, Greg’s power nap is at least 15 mins longer, so that’s huge. And I’ve assured Jeremy that I won’t be up anyone’s ass about pace of play, so hopefully that means he’ll be able to relax and get back to his tKOVII form.
  2. Dre, Yours Truly, Ian, Bryce – Power. Mother Fucking. House. You guys better get used to seeing this foursome together. We’re gonna be around for a while. My godness.lebron
  3. Robinson, Ben, Kevin, Keith – No matter what his handicap says, Robinson is an absolute gamer in Kendallville. Ben without a doubt had the hottest offseason and will likely be the odds on favorite going into tKOXII. Kevin is the defending Bixler champ and with a kid on the way, there must be a sense of urgency to win another Blazer before his golf days are numbered. And Keith’s metamorphosis into a butterfly continues. Biggest red flag? This team has no chance in the scramble.
  4. Cahill, Wally, Shane, Mustang Mark – This is the boom or bust team of the tournament. Every time Cahill picks up a golf club, anything is possible. Literally anything. Wally is going to have to play the role of veteran presence off the bench, who calms everyone down when things are blowing up all over the place. What happens with the Mundelein boys? Will Shane and Mustang Mark play off each other and return to their days of high school volleyball glory? Or does this backfire and they just listen to Marcy’ Playground and DMB and drown their sorrows of being 20 years removed from Mundelein High?
  5. Rich, Marty, Austin, Sutton – AKA Team Nice Guys. My only concern is if these guys have the fire power? When I look at this team, I can’t help but think of Kobe’s quote “Friends hang sometimes, banners hang forever.” Who here has the (non-mole) killer instinct?
  6. White James, Trey, Aschman, Pete – This team has potential, lots of potential. But the question is going to be the chemistry. Lot of personalities in that locker room. Aschman and Pete’s last two teams have featured dildo unicorn horns and dashikis (#TallBoyzForever). I have a hard time imagining WJ signing off on either of those. And Trey, two years removed from the madness, is dive bombing directly into the eye of the storm.
  7. Nate, Lloyd, Hart, Danny – Their place at the bottom of the tKO team power rankings is absolutely not indication of their skill level. Nate is a 3 time champ and tKO legend. While he’s underperformed in the past, Lloyd is due for a breakout year. Hart is his best tKO yet last year. And Danny led the fucking tournament after nine holes last year. But what the hell could these guys possibly have in common? Who knows? Maybe it’s an opposites attractive kind of thing? Or maybe it’s a trainwreck we just can’t take our eyes off of?

56 Days until The Kendallville Open XII

46 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXII

It’s Draft Day

I’ve been known to be a little liberal with my hyperboles when it comes to the Kendallville Open, but that will not be the case in this post. It’s Draft Day. While the Bixler Blazer is still, and will always, reign supreme, the tKO Team Championship is gaining momentum. Not only will you find out who will be responsible for your limp body on the last few holes of the scramble, but you’ll get a good idea of who you’ll be playing with on Friday. Your team draw will 100% set the tone for your tournament. You’ll have to be on Instagram to watch the draft live, so make sure you’re following @TheKendallvilleOpen. Gonna shoot for 6PM CT, but it wouldn’t surprise me if these are a little postponed.


Last year’s champs, Nine* (now Eleven*) Pints and a Blazer, were a huge favorite out of the gates, you can go back and check the receipts. And they did not disappoint. The scoring is a little fuzzy, so I’ll need someone from E*P&aB to jump in the comments for the recap, but when it was all said and done, they boat-raced the field, winning by 3 points over their closest competitor. I’m sure they’ll be a heavy favorite for the repeat, but there have been some interesting developments in the offseason. As of today, they don’t have a single PGA Tour level player on the roster. They are like one of those basketball teams with all white guys in the NCAA tournament! Not doing it with talent, folks! It’s all grit, want to, and golf IQ!

Your handicaps for tKOXII won’t lock until a few weeks before the tournament, but here are the pods will be using for tonight’s team draft.


Andre | White James | Nate | Cahill | Rich | Robinson


Ben | Brendan | Wally | Lloyd | Marty | Trey


Austin | Ian | Shane | Kevin | Aschman | Mat


Bryce | Caravello | Pete | Sutton | Danny | Keith

Some thoughts:

  • Ben made a valiant effort to overtake Robinson in the PGA pod with a few scotching rounds out in Arizona, but fell just short. Any team that gets Ben as their LPGA player is an immediate favorite, as long as they don’t let him drink liquor all weekend and he doesn’t try to fight his teammates again.
  • Even if we threw 11* Pints back in the selection pool, they still wouldn’t have a top 7 player. Tall James has slipped back to 8th and Asian James had the biggest fall of everyone in the field, going from 7th last year to 10th. Might not want to print those Back2Back shirts up quite yet.
  • Marty overtakes Austin to move into the LPGA flight. This is particularly heartbreaking for me, because I wanted Marty on my team and I want us to all wear throwback Brad Miller jerseys from different teams. It’ll have to wait until one of us gets much better (or worse) and we get out of the same flight.
  • How about those powerhouses in the Recycle Flight?! Three Bixler Champs, last year’s runner up ….. and Mat.

Alright boys, for those of you who can make it, try to make it to Parlor on Division tonight as close to 5:30 as you can. I know a couple of the boys are talking about getting their earlier to watch the end of Tiger’s round (and some stupid basketball tournament), so feel free to head over whenever.

63 Days until The Kendallville Open XII

53 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXII

Ask your wives how to watch a post on IG Live.

After the last few weeks of massive tKO drops, we’re scaling things back today. Nothing new to announce, but if you could jump in the comments or text me with whether or not you’ll be attending the draft in person, that would be greatly appreciated. I’m firmly in the camp of not holding seats for people in bars, so if you aren’t going to make it, let me know so I can adjust the reservation accordingly. We’re meeting at 5:30pm, and going to stream the whole thing live on the Kendallville Open’s Instagram account. Going out on a major limb here by assuming that most of you can figure that out.

Quick note about this year’s practice round, due to popular demand, we’ll be moving it over to Cobblestone. The only issue is that we’ll need to tee off earlier, because we need to be off the course by the time they start league play. So we’ll teeing off no later than 12:30pm. That’ll give us plenty of time to get settled in at the world famous Best Western before heading over to the presumably still open Applebees for the Champion’s Dinner, hosted by White James and Kevin. Like always, we’ll set up some kind of game that should limit the number of swings you take. We aren’t the physical specimens we once were, so saving some energy for gametime is major key. Don’t need a firm yes/no right now, but would like to have the numbers nailed down by the end of the month. So keep that in mind when looking at flights and rides.

I know, a fairly negligible post, but the content should start coming in hot and heavy once we get the teams draw. Reminder, we’ll lock in the handicaps for the team pods next week, once the AZ boys drop their scores into Fairway Files. Yes, there has been update to Fairway Files. And yes, it is horrible. I have no idea who is out here clamoring for updates to an already perfect(ly shitty) website, but hopefully they straighten things out by tKO SZN. If not, we might be on the lookout for a new scoring app for the 50th time.

I’ve heard rumors of a potential tKONN reunion this weekend and maybe their most controversial production yet. Please do this, boys.

In other news, as of posting, Tiger is currently T4 and two strokes off the lead. There will be a watch party if he’s in the hunt this weekend. Pants optional.


70 Days until The Kendallville Open XII

60 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXII

Happy tKO Founders Day…

As any true tKO historian can tell you, today marks the official 10 year anniversary of the Kendallville Open. It was on February 4, 2008 that I first reached out to our beloved Rainelle, who we’d later go on to name our trophy after. I managed to dig up the original email correspondence and you know it’s old as hell because Hotmail (shoutout to Jeremy!).


With all due respect to Robinson and Brooks, but as the only two OGs with perfect attendance, I’d like to take a moment to recognize Mike C. and myself for ten years of club throwing, vomiting, and mostly mediocre golf. We truly are inspirations, Mike C. (not to be confused with Mike R., who bailed on tKOVII and hasn’t seen the winners circle since).

If you haven’t already, throw your shit size in the comments below. I’m still missing a few.

Stay warm out there, golf season will get here soon enough. Unless you are in Hawaii right now, in that case, you should be fine. STUNT.

103 Days until the Kendallville Open XII

9 Days until the 10 day forecast for the Kendallville Open XII

tKOXII Save The Date

I believe it is customary to send your wedding Save The Dates six months in advance, and seeing how the Kendallville Open is just as important, it’s about that time. So as you settle in with your loved ones this Thanksgiving, make sure you take a moment while you have the whole family together to confirm the fact that you will not be available May 18th and 19th, 2018. (I’m staring daggers at you, Asian James.) While this is not your formal invitation, those won’t be ready for a few weeks (or months (most likely months)), you don’t want to fall victim to a mismanaged calendar. If you already know those dates are going to be a problem, like someone is pregnant or your stupid friend planned his/her wedding on that weekend, let me know sooner rather than later so we can start working on your replacement.

As always, Mike and I have been working on some big things this year, the biggest being a human sacrifice to appease the golf gods and grant us better weather. More news about tKOXII developments to come at a much later date. But in the meantime, please roast these Limp Bizkit super fans in the comments.

Ian – “You sure this is the line?” Mike – “You just gotta have ….. FFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIITTTTTTHHHHHHHH.”

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