Category Archives: Uncategorized

No. 30

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I write this a day after Cole pretty much ruined my fantasy football season so I hope it’s not too hateful.  

  1. Thanks Pete for such a great bio.  Way to make the rest of us (me) look like third graders in terms of our writing abilities.  Your literary prowess is 2nd to none.  Look forward to this years’ proclamation as always.
  2. As your defending RDGC champion, I would like to welcome all rookies to such a storied tradition.  I hope you enjoy this as much as the rest of us.

Enter the latest Red Hawk to join the prestigious golf tournament that Kendallville residents have marked down on their calendars year in and out. Is Troy Athens the St. Thomas Aquinas of golf in terms of producing such raw talent?  It’s as if they just produce top notch golfers. He’s never played inside the ropes like this before but I’m confident that he has the right mindset to compete with the rest of the field for the Bixler.   Speaking of right mindset, he immediately steps in as John Pott’s top competition for shotgunning beers. (Chairman’s note: Austin has some words he’d like to share with you.)

Cole’s a LAX rat who is crispy with the rock and rips twine with nothing but premium Gouda.  LAX lingo here. Speaking of LAX, he’s fresh off of a brand new ACL.  Two tears in the same leg almost three years to the day have him thinking of what life is after LAX.  I think we have found the solution. He’s ensured me that he is taking his PT seriously so that he is ready May 16 – May 19, 2019.  

Cole’s my wife’s little brother who loves to compete so it was a great fit when I started coming around 14 years ago. Doesn’t matter if it’s darts, badminton or our late night 4 hour sessions of ping pong, there have been many arguments at who is better at what.  Top salesman six months in a row, need I say more! Cole received his invite because I didn’t take him to Sawgrass.  I told him I had something better in mind.  Play one round there or play for a lifetime in one of the greatest tournaments known to hyper-elite amateurs of the World (formerly the United States).  I think that was a fair trade IMO.

Cole is a hot pepper connoisseur that spends an Escalade’s payment on fast food monthly so it’s safe to say that he will fit right in with all of the fine dining options in Kendallville. 

I look forward to you taking Kendallville by storm in hopes one day that you get to don the Maroon Blazer. The family tree has a long list of champions so make us proud.  

Nominated by Andre, tKOXII RDGC Champ, Class of 2016

Chairman’s Note: Having never met Cole, I’m shocked at all the connections he already has to the Kendallville family. I believe he’s the 5th graduate (did Danny graduate?) of Athen’s Troy. He’ll be coming into tKOXIII fresh off a devastating injury, tearing his ACL foolishly participating in active sports, so he can bond with Shane on the pitfalls of pretending to be young. Cole is also the linking branch between the Robinson and Yoshimoto tKO Family Trees. The Yoshimoto tree is ripe with championship fruit, by the way. But perhaps the deepest thread between Cole and the Kendallville Open is the hot dog. Look at the role call of legends that have donned this illustrious garb! I could only be happier if there’s a picture of him out there on the internets in a Butt Monsters uniform or a dashiki.

P.S. – Big Ups to the Middle Eastern contingent of the Kendallville Open on the birth of his baby girl. Congrats, Danny, you lemac you! I’m guessing I wasn’t invited, but it sounds like your gender reveal party was BONKERS. (Shouts to Greg for staying on top of all Kendallville and Applebee’s related news.)

207 Days until The Kendallville Open XIII

197 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXIII

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No. 29

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Much like in Kendallville, a hyper-elite sporting event was birthed a few years back in Olympia, Greece in 776 BC and participation was limited to native countrymen only.   As time passed and in order to preserve the integrity of the event and insure that the athletes truly were facing the world’s competition concessions were made invitations extended to include the finest athlete producing countries known to man.

In a nearly identical move and swapping out Zeus for Chairman Yoshimoto and replacing “finest athlete producing countries in the world” with “Bermuda”, for the first time the field will be global with the additional of Joel “J-Diz” W.  As a dual-citizen and while he will be honoring the flag of this proud island nation, Joel will be tKO’s second representative to hail from Springfield, Ohio.

Please know that in the 35 years I’ve known Joel I believe he’s been groomed for this day.  An accomplished golfer that will immediately challenge for a spot as a PGA/LPGA participant, his on-the-course abilities had absolutely no bearing in my decision process unless you include his ability to cut a morning fog delay with his smile or cause the most timid of beer-cart girls to melt into the pleather EZ Go seat.

His exploits and accomplishments read like the back of a Captain Morgan bottle and his thirst for vodka and soda is only rivaled by his desire to pour gasoline on and encourage my third-grade antics.

Recently married and expecting his first child this January, Joel’s wife Heather gladly accepted the gestation period by-laws by ensuring something as trivial as the birth of the heir to his legacy would not interfere with his commitment to join us for years to come.

Representing a country is no small feat and rest assured that I’m already working on sister-city status between Kendallville and Hamilton, Bermuda, that the proper colors will fly above our heads next to old glory and that Councilman Dasey will be presented with a host gift much like Pele handed over a treasured possession prior to the 1958 World Cup Final.  It will be requested that Joel dress in traditional Bermudian garb as well for the Champions dinner.

Nominated by Pete L., Class of 2014

Chairman’s Note: I believe a handful of you old school Chicago guys know Joel, but I had the pleasure of meeting him at Pete’s bachelor party a few months ago. And quite to the contrary of the picture above, Joel is not the rich asshole that he looks like here. An important detail that Pete left out of his introduction is the fact that we witnessed Joel boatrace current PGA Tour STAR Sungjae Im at Torrey Pines …. for like 5 holes …. and Im was playing from tees roughly 200 yards back on every hole. Whatever, mere semantics. 

tKO vs Puffers & Duffers…

The tKO braintrust has been known to come up with some pretty lofty aspirations in the past, ranging from easily achievable (i.e. my 64 man field with play-in games in Dayton) to a little more long range (i.e. the tKO themed golf resorts hatched during Fall Swing 1). But with our latest concoction, I believe we have something that we’ll be able to put into play right away.

tKO RYDER FUCKING CUP

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Enjoying the tension and passion of the Ryder Cup over in Paris? Well imagine all that, only with significantly worse golf! tKOXI Bixler Champ Sos has a friend that is apparently a part of his own Hyper Elite golf league out in Denver, CO, the Puffers & Duffers. While I’ve never seen footage of them playing golf, I have seen pictures of their jacket and trophy presentation, and I have to say I’m pretty impressed. So a few months ago, the idea of a Ryder Cup inspired competition between the two outings started floating around. And when I didn’t scare them off after I sent their commissioner a 5,000 word email with just a few ideas, I knew this thing might have legs. Clearly nothing has actually been set up, but here’s what I was thinking:

  • Like the Ryder Cup, hold this event every other year, with alternating host cities, shooting for a Fall 2019 event in Denver. Then 2021 in Chicago, 2023 in Denver, etc… until we die and pass this event on to our children. Asking people to travel once every four years will probably be more appealing from a budgeting standpoint and a not-getting-divorced standpoint.
  • Eight men per team. The tKOXII Bixler Champ (Tall James) and tKOXIII (TBD – most likely me) will be the team co-captains. Each captain will get one captain’s pick. The remaining four spots will be awarded to the four players with the best average finish on the Bixler Leaderboard across tKOXII and tKOXIII.
  • Mimicking the Ryder Cup for format, with Saturday morning alternate shot, Saturday afternoon best ball, and Sunday singles. This would also keep the length of the time away from home relatively short, flying in on Friday night and out on Sunday.

The ball is just starting to get rolling, but I have to say the possibilities are limitless. Team house! Team Red Man Uniforms! Pre-Tournament party at the Palace of Versailles! Denver sightseeing! More Denver sightseeing!

230 Days until The Kendallville Open XIII

220 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXIII

Butt Monsters Forever.

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No big deal, but the Butt Monsters (more specifically me) are famous. We’ve been voted by Golf Digest as the “zaniest” golfers basically in history. Suck it. Maybe we didn’t win the tKO team title and we’ll likely have to break out next year, but we’ll live together forever on the internets.

Check out the Golf Digest VERIFIED Instagram account’s story. I think these things only last for 24 hours or something before they disappear.

https://www.instagram.com/golfdigest/?hl=en

I’ve already made arrangements to be buried in my Bad Birdies polo.

240 Days until The Kendallville Open XIII

230 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXIII

I’ve been dreaming of this day for 3 years.

Gentleman,

Hopefully we’ve all managed to make it through August unscathed and no one committed the Cardinal tKO Sin of impregnating someone. As Greg, Jeremy, and Robinson will attest, August conceptions can lead to some very difficult conversations come spring. But now that we’ve cleared the danger zone, you are free to resume living your life on the wild side.

In the early days of the Kendallville Open, Robinson and my better halves would implement a tKO embargo until right around now. While we would never abide by these rules, it was a nice thought to set aside sometime to reflect on the previous tKO before jumping to the next one. How quaint. However now that the Kendallville Open is far and away the most Hyper Elite amateur tournament in Northeast Indiana the brain trust is always moving onward. And while I’m sure all of you have been reminiscing fondly on Tall James’ Bixler Domination or Dre’s epic back nine charge or the Eleven Pints* Dynasty©, it’s time to start looking forward.

Most importantly we’ve secured our tee times and hotel rooms at the world’s most illustrious Best Western. Go ahead and block off May 16 through May 19, 2019. No fucking excuses. They don’t have pricing for the 2019 season yet, but I don’t think there will be much of a difference. Mike and I still have a lot to discuss when it comes to games/prizes/bets, so we won’t have the final total for quite a while but rest assured that we’ll keep it in that $450 – $500 range. However, if anyone is interested in paying early, let me know. I have to pay for the buses in full when I book them, so the sooner we can get that knocked out, the better.

Oh? Did you catch that? Yes, I said buses. As much as I loved pilling everyone plus their clubs into one school bus last year, there just wasn’t enough room for everyone, especially on the way home with my Best Friend Forever John crawling through the window.

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With a second bus, we can designate one as a passenger bus and the second for all our clubs and whoever was DJ-ing on the way home last year. I was on the verge of passing out the whole time, so I can’t remember who it was, but I’d appreciate if we shot that person into the sun.

Another reason for the second bus…

EXPANSION!!!!

For the last two years, Robinson has played devil’s advocate and talked me out of expanding the field. He wisely pointed out that we needed some practice runs with the new formats and schedules. But after two straight the Kendallville Open’s with Mother Nature throwing everything she has at us, and each time we answered the bell, I see no reason to fight the inevitable.

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Now, I know some of you hear the word EXPANSION and immediately cringe (I’d call most of you haters but we do understand the sentiment).  But let’s take a look at the last few expansions and dig deep into how our newest members often inject the enthusiasm and desire a HYPER ELITE tournament needs to function.  In our past three expansion years, we’ve added FOUR hardware winners in Dre, TJ, Aschman and Trey (hey, DFL is hardware, as Trey’s wife will surely admit as it sits alone on top of his beautiful living room).  Plus a behind-the-scenes star, idea man, and overall poet laureate in Pete.  And let’s not forget Lloyd whose loud cussing and love for ribLETS surely makes our group the most popular at Applebee’s.  Every expansion sees these types of additions, people who some of us never knew prior and now consider them great friends and integral parts of our group.

At tKOI, Robinson, Cahill, Brooks and I were like the Native Americans who crossed the Bering Strait and first settled this brave new world. Shane, Marty, and Ian were like Columbus and made the journey on the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria for tKOIII. By tKOIV, the Mayflower had arrived with 11 men, ready to start a new life in this promised land. I would continue this analogy, but I don’t know anymore boats that came to America, outside of the ones in the Middle Passage Slave Trade and I respect Ben and Lloyd far too much to make that connection.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that tKOXIII will mark a decade since our initial expansion, the expansion that started all of this, and I’d be remiss to let this anniversary pass without expanding again. The waitlist is filled with the strongest, most capable players we’ve ever had. All nominated by people who understand and appreciate what the spirit of the Kendallville Open is, more than a Hyper Elite golf tournament. While it is not “the” gospel, it is a gospel and its merits should be shouted from the mountain tops and its word spread to all corners of the earth.

Look forward to some exciting news coming out in the next couple weeks. Official introductions for the four new players will be made at a later date, but trust that they have been thoroughly vetted and know the commitment they are making. In the meantime, the haters can troll me in the comments all they want. Just know that the ultimate goal is to get to 64, plus 4 play-in matches in Daytona. While we’re at 32 now, we’re only halfway to our destination.

244 Days until The Kendallville Open XIII

234 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXIII

August 1st. You know what that means.

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289 Days until The Kendallville Open XIII

279 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXIII

Hello? Is this thing on?

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Maybe I didn’t do a great job updating the site or throwing up a recap post this year. But I finally got around to updating the history page and player bios with the Kendallville Open XII results, so how about a little pat on the back for the commish? Seeing how tKOXII was two months ago, putting up a detailed recap post is a little outside of my scope at the moment, but rest assured that tKOXII was every bit the classic of all the past tKO’s, with the exception of tKOX that I won in dominating fashion. Feel free to expound on this post with your own memories in the comments.

I like to think of the tKO history in eras with the Mike’s and I obviously representing the Golden Age. tKOIII through tKOVII is like the Renaissance, marked by our flourishing growth both in numbers and in culture. But the winner’s circle this represented the best of the Age of Enlightenment (tKOVIII – tKOXII), the expansion that truly opened the door for  the Kendallville Open to become what it now is. Andre, Tall James, and Trey have shown as much excitement and passion for the Kendallville Open as anyone who has ever attended, if not more. Like the miraculous clear skies on Saturday morning (remember when a bunch of you wanted to quit on Friday night? I hate you.), new blood on all our trophies was long overdue.

Even more so than the new tKO rota, the most influential change we made for tKOXII was the introduction of the Bixler Saturday flighting. Players were now flighted by the Bixler scoreboard, leading to some fresh faces (and Danny) in the Trash Flight. Somehow last year’s RDGC champion White James found himself there, along with Trey and Wally. While it doesn’t deserve a hole by hole breakdown, because it’s the Trash Flight, it still was an epic battle. Wally came into his 16th hole in a hole as deep of the Marina Trench. Using his brand new non-flip phone, he was calculating how much it was going cost him to ship that god awful trophy all the way back to Hawaii. That’s when Trey showed up and said “hold my beer, while I shoot a 12”. BOOM, THE GAME IS ON. A bogey-bogey finish would be enough to save Wally by the skin of his teeth and send the DFL back home to Indianapolis with Trey. But like a true gentleman and worthy champion, he displayed that tetanus infested hunk of metal proudly.

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In the race for the Bixler, well, there really wasn’t much of one. Tall James jumped out to a dominating lead after round one and didn’t slow down during the second round when some spotty weather came through. It was hard to see from all the way back in the Recycle Flight where I was, but word was getting around that the wheels might have gotten a little wobbly when Ian made a valiant charge late on Saturday morning. But by then, the Bixler tailors were already getting Tall James’ measurements for the Blazer. This was a dominating performance the likes we’ve only seen at tKOX (ME) and when Marty sandbagged his way to something like a 30 stroke victory. I haven’t seen pictures of it yet, but I trust Tall James has worn his Tall Boyz jersey and Bixler Blazer to Encore Beach Club, while bikini-cad 22 year olds are bringing sparklers and champagne to his cabana with Floyd Mayweather.

 

While the Bixler finish was a little anticlimactic, the same cannot be said for the RDGC. Even though Tall James had 7 stroke lead on the Bixler leaderboard, he only had two strokes on Andre in the RDGC , and in the white hot cauldron of tKO, two strokes can disappear in the blink of an eye. But through 45 holes, it certainly looked like the Kendallville Open would have its first Double, the most elusive and sought after trophy in all of sport. On-the-scene witness Robinson is quoted as saying “I think Nate and TJ were pretty laid back from the start. They spent the first, I kid you not, 4 holes talking business, like grocery store shit. You could tell Dre was in it from the start.” Andre has been eyeing the RDGC since before he was even in the tKO field, and the back nine at Glendarin, like so many tKO’s before, was the time to make dreams come true. Tall James fought off a haymaker from Dre, after dunking his tee shot on #10, he managed to grind out a bogey and not lose any ground. However, TJ wouldn’t be so lucky on #14. A wayward drive would give Dre hope that this man was indeed mortal. After trading bogeys on #15, Dre and Tall James stepped on to the #16 tee tied for the RDGC Cup. And if there’s anyone at tKO who is always in the right “state of mind” to handle an incredible stressful moment, it’s Andre. His all class par-par-par finish absolutely buried any chances TJ had of winning the Double. It was a closing run reminiscent of the Robinson Era, many, many tKO’s ago. It’s been a long time coming that Andre would have name forever etched into the tKO history books.

May 19th, 2018 – The Beginning of the Andreign

 

 

To say we took things to another level for the team tournament at tKOXII would be such an understatement that it would be insulting. Look at this fucking shit.

 

 

For god sake, even Team Totally Irresponsible got in on the act.

 

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Unfortunately, it appears that team chemistry has an adverse effect on team performance as Eleven* Pints and a Blazer (now Twelve* Pints and Two Blazers) won yet again. FART NOISE. However, shoutout to Jeremy for almost kind of getting the dinner party!

Sorry for the massive delay. I know it’s been quiet on here for the last two months, but not for long. In the meantime, keep an eye out for Asian James-styled cart covers and rain gear, because I’ve about had it with people bitching about rain like I have any kind of control over that shit. While I haven’t done a great job getting the tKOXII recap up in a timely manner, fret not! The Kendallville Open is always top of mind.  Big EXPANSIVE announcements coming soon.

300 Days until The Kendallville Open XIII

290 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXIII

Days remaining: 1

This is the last post before shit gets weird. If I did my job correctly, all you guys should have to do on Friday is just show up, crack beers, smoke butts, and golf. Speaking of showing up, here are the important times you need to remember.

Thursday – 7:30PM – Champion’s Dinner at Applebee’s

Friday – 8:00AM – Shotgun start at Cobblestone. Hopefully we’ll be joined by Chairman Dazey again, so try to wrap up your warm up by 7:45AM. There are no rides over to Cobblestone, so you are on your own to get there. I have no idea if Uber exists in Kendallville, but if you plan on getting shitty, I don’t hate this idea.

Friday – 1:45PM – Afternoon shotgun start at Cobblestone. Greg, go ahead and set your alarm now.

Saturday – 6:30AM – Bus leaves Best Western for Glendarin Hills. That shit is leaving right at 6:30AM. Do not miss the bus. We will not be holding it for you.

If you want to keep your Instagram account clean of tKO shenanigans, feel free to log in and post from the official tKO Account (@TheKendallvilleOpen, password: tkonine). At the very least use the #tKOXII hashtag on all your posts so they’ll be easily searchable. I’m toying with the idea of bringing back the highlight reel, but only if we can get enough video and pictures. So document as much as you can. After the tournament, I’ll set up some kind of shared drive so you can upload your footage.

Only one day stands between you and what is surely the highlight of everyone’s year, including you guys getting married and/or having kids this year. The Kendallville Open XII is basically here. You know the rules. You’ve watched the tape on your opponents. You’ve been tracking the forecast relentless and will be prepared for anything.

Let’s go make history.

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1 Day until The Kendallville Open XII

THE FORECAST.

Roommates

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It’s Kendallville Open Week, gentlemen, and we’re down to brass tacks. Everything that we can possibly plan has been taken care of. Basically all you need to do is show up and pray for good weather. Speaking of just showing up, here are the room assignments. Switch them up if you feel like it, I don’t care. Just do that after you check into the hotel.

  • The Yoshimoto’s
  • The black guys
  • Robinson & White James
  • Ian & Asian James
  • Kevin & Tall James
  • Cahill & Trey
  • Danny & Dre
  • Caravello & Hart
  • Sutton & Nate & Nate’s family
  • Keith & Rich
  • Shane & Austin
  • Greg & Jeremy
  • Bryce & Marty
  • Aschman & Pete

You can probably check in as early as you want. The practice round boys should be finishing up at Cobblestone around 5pm if you want to swing over there and work on some last minute swing adjustments. Just make sure you are at Applebee’s by 7:30 PM for the Champion’s Dinner, jointly hosted by White James and Kevin.

4 Days until The Kendallville Open XII

THE FORECAST.

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