No. 32


With the potentially changing immigration laws – especially the proposed wall around Indiana – we needed to make sure this Latvian Lover gets his birthright tKO passport stamped before they MIGA. He stands at a towering 6 feet 6 inches tall and weighs in at a whopping…well somewhere between 210 and 285…depending on his meal plan and exercise routine for that month. He grew up in Kalamazoo Michigan and attended the prestigious Loy Norrix High School where he was an all-State Guard and Tackle for the Football Team. He would guard the water and try to tackle anyone who would take it for the bench area. He took his talents down the road to the not so Trump loving Kalamazoo College where he minored in blackjack, drinking and majored in trying to turn the small liberal arts into a Big Ten Party School. Through hard work and discipline, also 20/15 contact lenses to check his neighbors work – He graduated magna cum laude. Some of that last sentence may be fake news. He married his exact opposite – a beautiful, outgoing, hardworking, normal sized human – Kristina and they have two beautiful daughters. We should plan a tKO to be at his house when his daughters bring their first friend that is a boy over and this little boy sees the giant of a man Matiss is standing over him at all times and crushes his hand during the handshake like Andre the Giant holds beer cans.

He is an amazing golfer on all tracks that have 18 holes of extreme doglegs right. If his wedge game didn’t let him down(and chipping and putting) he would definitely break 94 every time. Watch out #8 at Noble Hawk – Now you have to worry about tee balls hitting your tiny sliver of a green from tee from not only Ian but also this new man beast. Along with long drives, he also specializes in crushing beers 14 at time so it will make him a dominating force on his scramble team. Also if a roaming pack of wolves or a snake in cooler attack the group – this is the man to hide behind.

We included a couple picture below to just show the mans size – he is only an inch or two shorter than a barn and he is twice as tall as the average man when he takes a knee…


Please extend a warm TKO welcome, extend your hand for a bone crushing, make you feel like a tiny man handshake to our newest, but hugest member of the family.

 Nominated by Tall James, tKOXII Bixler Champ, Class of 2014

Chairman’s Note: Another goddamn giant. While the Aschman v. White James Applebee’s Mudslide fight never really got off the ground a few years ago, having another enormous person to try to goad into a fight is a dream come true. I’m willing to pull whatever string possible to get Danny and Matiss on the same team, so they can remake this picture

And with Matiss, the field is officially set for the Kendallville Open XIII. I’m beaming with pride right now, like how Wally looked at Tall James as he slipped on the Bixler Blazer last year.

193 Days until The Kendallville Open XIII

183 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXIII


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