Squad Up

Holy shit. The tension in Parlor on Fright night was almost too much to bear, especially when it came down to the last two teams picked. My god. Watching that UMBC v UVA upset was honestly a nice respite after all the adrenaline coursing through our veins during the draft.

While the group chat for my team started the second Bryce’s name was drawn, I can’t imagine everyone’s team has been quite as proactive. If you don’t have someone on your team’s email address (or cell), holler at me. Because there’s a fair amount of stuff to put together and organize involving team names, get me your team name and logo by 4/12. Any team that fails to submit something by then will be subject to my discretion. For the most part, I don’t think we’ll have any issues there, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think there was one team that I’m fairly certain won’t talk to each other at all leading up to tKO.

We’re officially under two months, and basically no one has played any kind of golf this year, so I’m assuming handicaps are going to jump all over the place over the next couple weeks. But here are my early draft grades:

  1. Asian James, Tall James, Greg, Jeremy – Out of respect for the title, I’m going to put Eleven* Pints at the top of the power rankings. I’m a little concerned about AJ, but I’m firmly in the camp that this is the year that Tall James makes the leap. Without having to chance courses between rounds, Greg’s power nap is at least 15 mins longer, so that’s huge. And I’ve assured Jeremy that I won’t be up anyone’s ass about pace of play, so hopefully that means he’ll be able to relax and get back to his tKOVII form.
  2. Dre, Yours Truly, Ian, Bryce – Power. Mother Fucking. House. You guys better get used to seeing this foursome together. We’re gonna be around for a while. My godness.lebron
  3. Robinson, Ben, Kevin, Keith – No matter what his handicap says, Robinson is an absolute gamer in Kendallville. Ben without a doubt had the hottest offseason and will likely be the odds on favorite going into tKOXII. Kevin is the defending Bixler champ and with a kid on the way, there must be a sense of urgency to win another Blazer before his golf days are numbered. And Keith’s metamorphosis into a butterfly continues. Biggest red flag? This team has no chance in the scramble.
  4. Cahill, Wally, Shane, Mustang Mark – This is the boom or bust team of the tournament. Every time Cahill picks up a golf club, anything is possible. Literally anything. Wally is going to have to play the role of veteran presence off the bench, who calms everyone down when things are blowing up all over the place. What happens with the Mundelein boys? Will Shane and Mustang Mark play off each other and return to their days of high school volleyball glory? Or does this backfire and they just listen to Marcy’ Playground and DMB and drown their sorrows of being 20 years removed from Mundelein High?
  5. Rich, Marty, Austin, Sutton – AKA Team Nice Guys. My only concern is if these guys have the fire power? When I look at this team, I can’t help but think of Kobe’s quote “Friends hang sometimes, banners hang forever.” Who here has the (non-mole) killer instinct?
  6. White James, Trey, Aschman, Pete – This team has potential, lots of potential. But the question is going to be the chemistry. Lot of personalities in that locker room. Aschman and Pete’s last two teams have featured dildo unicorn horns and dashikis (#TallBoyzForever). I have a hard time imagining WJ signing off on either of those. And Trey, two years removed from the madness, is dive bombing directly into the eye of the storm.
  7. Nate, Lloyd, Hart, Danny – Their place at the bottom of the tKO team power rankings is absolutely not indication of their skill level. Nate is a 3 time champ and tKO legend. While he’s underperformed in the past, Lloyd is due for a breakout year. Hart is his best tKO yet last year. And Danny led the fucking tournament after nine holes last year. But what the hell could these guys possibly have in common? Who knows? Maybe it’s an opposites attractive kind of thing? Or maybe it’s a trainwreck we just can’t take our eyes off of?

56 Days until The Kendallville Open XII

46 Days until the 10 day forecast for tKOXII


3 thoughts on “Squad Up

  1. WJ says:

    6th?!?!?!?!?! We are at worst 2nd behind the Robinson party. Our personalities are beautiful Brendan! BEAUTIFULl!!!!

    • Yosh says:

      Hey man, it’s entirely possible you guys absolutely dominate your competition. And it’s possible you guys are the 2003-2004 Lakers.

      • WJ says:

        I do not understand NBA references past 1990, so that is lost on me. Also, we are totally working on Dildo-Horn print Dashiki’s, so screw you man!

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