If the last post all about scorecards and match play rules didn’t scare off new guy Eddie, then this one should be the nail in his coffin. It’s the annual “Don’t be an asshole, also hurry the fuck up please” post. One day I’ll have enough confidence in all of you that this post won’t be necessary. Today is not that day. By now, you all should know the deal, but just because you should know the deal by no means will I make the assumption that you actually do know the deal. So far the eleventh year in a row, here we go.
- READY FUCKING GOLF FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY – Two days, three courses, twenty eight golfers, seventy two holes, four hundred beers. We have a shit load going on here, people. We are shotgun starting on Friday at 8AM and 2:30PM, so even if the first round takes five hours (if it does, stab me in the neck), you should have at least 90 minutes to get over to the other course, eat, and warm back up. Or take a nap under a tree, Greg style. Those 90 minutes will go by quicker than you think, so time is of the essence, folks. MOVE IT.
- Don’t worry about honors or who’s away. When you are ready, say “I’m going, watch the fuck out” and then go. One slow group will cause a traffic jam on the course. And as an Asian, I’m already blamed too often for driving problems, I will not have this lumped on top of it.
- Speaking of driving, please use the carts efficiently. You do not need a fucking police escort to and from every shot you hit. Drop your cart partner off at their ball then tell them to meet you at yours. The worst culprits of slow play are motherfuckers who do not understand best practices when it comes to cart management. It is not that difficult, people.
- Do you have a Nomar Garciaparra-esque pre shot routine? Cut that shit the fuck out. It will do nothing to improve your game. It’s just taking up time. Four practice swings, then a visualization exercise? Man, GTFOH with that shit. If you are going to be the hardo who thinks he need all this, at least do it while someone else is swinging, so by the time it’s your turn, your 24 step warm up is wrapping up.
- Did you actually bust open a drive on a par 5 and have, what you believe to be, a realistic shot at reaching the green in two? Fine, wait for the green to clear before you top it 30 yards. But your ass better sprint down the fairway after your ball. And leave four frosty cold ones on the green as an apology to the group behind you.
- Don’t spend all fucking day looking for your shitty drive, if you can’t find it immediately you probably don’t want to find it. Take the drop.
- HURRY. ALL. THE. WAY. THE. FUCK. UP.
Alright, hopefully I got my point across there. On to actual golf rules:
- Not only are you responsible for your own score, but you are also responsible for your opponent’s score. That’s why each cart only has one of the matches’ scorecard. Copy and pasted from last year and the year before that and the year…: I know that no one we’d invite would be a big enough dick to actually shave strokes, but I’m certain we’ve invited some people who can’t fucking count. So you think so and so got an 8 on a hole, but he says he got a 7. Bring it up. If you need to bring it up every hole, do so. Hopefully he will learn how to count his own strokes. If it continues to be a problem, you can say something to me, but all I can do is say “everyone in your group thinks you are either retarded or a cheating asshole, get your shit together.” This weekend is all about a good time, so pretty please with a cherry on top respect the game, the tournament, and your fellow competitors.
- Play all out of bounds stakes at hazards. Don’t re-tee. Just drop that shit on the line that it went OB. Ain’t nobody got time for all dat. Just remember you’ll be hitting your third shot.
- No breakfast balls, no mulligans, not even on the first hole. If you got fucked and have to start your rounds on #15 at Noble Hawk or #4 at Cobblestone, tough cookies. At least you’ll get them over with quickly. Sorry Austin.
- As always, we’re playing gimmies inside the leather. That means if you put your putter head in the hole and your ENTIRE ball is inside of where your grip starts, the putt is good. You still have to count that stroke, but we can just assume that we’d make it if we tried, which is an incorrect assumption, but whatever.
- For rounds one through three, play every hole and count every stroke. Even if you got boat raced 5&4 in your match or you are about to take your 19th stroke, finish the hole and card a real number. I will not hesitate to DQ you and send your ass home with the DFL. You don’t know want that thing, it’s absurd.
- Play it as it lies, Happy did it! Don’t fluff your shit up so you have a nice lie. If you know the rules of the game well enough to take advantage of a free drop, then by all means do it. But don’t go out there acting like an asshole, play it straight up.
I know, sounds like a riot, right? But the Kendallville Open’s success is completely due to everyone buying in, so do me a favor and play along.