Glendarin Hills #4 – Par 3 – 140 yards – Handicap #15
tKO Average: 4.08 (+1.08, 18th hardest for tko participants)
While #4 isn’t the most exciting hole, it is when the big money starts rolling in. Not only can you win a flat screen TV for acing it (likely scenario), but starting this year, closest to the pin will net you $70 in cold hard cash, which you will spend at the bar immediately following the round. Or Taco Bell. Either way, you won’t have it when you wake up in the morning.
All the par 3s at Glendarin are uphill, but this one is the most drastic. It’s at least an extra club and if the pin is tucked back, you might require some shot shaping to hit it close, which none of us can do. Left and long are both dead, miss it short and it can roll all the way back down the false front. There’s a little bit of room out on the right, but I wouldn’t necessarily call it a bail out. Basically, just hit a perfect shot and you might get out of here with a par.
Glendarin Hills #5 – Par 5 – 513 yards – Handicap #5
tKO Average: 7.13 (+2.13, 3rd hardest for tko participants)
Here it is, THE MOST FAMOUS HOLE IN GOLF. Fuck Amen Corner, #17 at TPC Sawgrass, #18 at Pebble Beach. Glendarin Hills #5 is all that matters in this world. The hardest of doglegs left, the tee shot here has to be precise. Driver is way too much, unless you are trying to cut the corner, which is generally not even attempted until the scramble, and never successfully. You have to be able to hit it at least 180 yards in order to catch the hill and clear the corner. Anything short of that and you’ll be stuck with a sidehill/downhill lay, and you’ll only be able to advance the ball maybe another 100 yards, that will leave you like a mile away. If you manage to clear the corner, you at least view of what’s going on, not that it makes things any easier. You can try to bust out the 3 wood and reach the green in two (you can’t), but that brings the water on the right into play. The smart play is taking something that will put you just short of the water, but still leave you with a wedge approach. All thanks be to my front nine coach White James, who talked me into this tactic during the championship round last year. No Big Deal, just a birdie (net eagle) that essentially won the Bixler.
But enough with that actual golf bullshit, we all know why this hole is a classic. The. Fucking. Unicorn. I hope we can get to the bottom of this in the comments. While I don’t have video evidence, I feel like the first person I heard of shotgunning a beer off the unicorn’s head was either Mustang Mark or Shane. Either way Mundelein is definitely in the building. Jesus, we shotgunned so many beers off that fucking thing’s face that someone either broke the goddamn horn off or it was removed because we’d started a revolution, leading to this epic twitter back and forth. If you haven’t shotgunned a beer off the ‘corn, then you really haven’t experienced the Kendallville Open. I’m extremely proud of our community outreach efforts, but if we don’t get that goddamn unicorn’s horn back and with a plaque dedicated to The Kendallville Open, then everything I’ve ever done is a failure. It wasn’t until Mike sent me the MS Paint file that I realized the unicorn hole in fact looks like a unicorn. This is some Inception shit. Never tell me Glendarin Hills isn’t the greatest golf course on earth.
When I die, sprinkle my ashes on this hole.
Glendarin Hills #6 – Par 4 – 375 yards – Handicap #3
tKO Average: 5.27 (+1.27, 12th hardest for tko participants)
Kind of feel bad for #6, it’s just about impossible to follow up legend like #5. It’s like when Bruno Mars (Eddie) and Beyonce played the halftime show of the Super Bowl and then Coldplay came out. Sure, we all kind of like Coldplay, but not at that moment. That’s how I feel about #6. You probably don’t remember anything about it, maybe that has something to do with the beer you just shotgunned, but it’s not all that bad of a hole.
Straight away par 4, with a bunker than runs down the right side, it’s bombs away. Which is exactly what Ian did the one round we’ve played together at tKOIX. I’ll set the scene. tKOIX, Asian James and Ian are locked up in an epic 1v1 match, Greg is sneakily hanging around, and I’m getting boat raced. It’s the front 9 Long Drive hole, so Asian James and I absolutely unload on our drives. They had to be pushing 245 yards. Mammoth shots. Greg steps up and bashes one. Flew our balls by 40 yards. He’s really feeling himself. And then God himself comes down from Heaven and taps Ian on his shoulder. Ian Goddamn Smith just obliterates the ball. Just based on the sound, I assume Ian pulled a Roy Hobbs and the ball is unraveling. From the tee box, it looks like Ian’s driving the green, but depth perception can be tricky from that far out. We get in the carts, AJ and I get out. Greg drives for another 30-40 yards and stops. Ian drives for another 5 goddamn minutes before finally getting to his ball on the apron of the green. I give him my range finder, so he can shoot the tee box and get an accurate number of that drive. He scopes it, smiles, looks at us, and with a throbbing boner says “360”. Ian Smith, 360 yard drive on #6. The only pro level shot in the history of the Kendallville Open. I believe he made a bogey from there.
Bonus story from tKOIX: I had to call my wife from the bathroom by this tee box, when I was throwing up, because I forgot to set something up on the scoring app and I needed her to get on the computer to fix it. It was at that moment that I realized I had forgotten to call her for the last two days. She was very not happy with me.