Did I just copy and paste this rant about slow play from last year? Perhaps. THAT CHANGES NOTHING. HURRY THE FUCK UP OUT THERE.
- Your scorecards will be marked, but we’re playing the Augusta tees at Noblehawk, Gold tees at Cobblestone, and Mixed tees at Glendarin Hills.
- With the exception of the Scramble round on Saturday afternoon, everyone is playing their own ball on every hole for every shot. Even if your team gets closed out during the match play event in round one or two, make sure you finish the round.
- Play every fucking hole. If you are sucking and about to get a 15 on a hole (Shout out to Danny and Jeremy!), make sure you actually finish it out. The moment you pick up mid-hole and just say give me an 8 is the exact moment when you officially withdrawal from tKOX and I hate you forever.
- As always, we’re playing gimmies inside the leather. That means if you put your putter head in the hole and your ball is before where you grip starts, the putt is good. You still have to count that stroke, but we can just assume that we’d make it if we tried, which is an incorrect assumption, but whatever.
- No breakfast balls, no mulligans, not even on the first hole.
- For the sake of time, play everything like a hazard. If you lose your ball off the tee, don’t re-tee. Just drop a ball on the line that it went out of bounds and play from there. Remember, you will be hitting your third shot.
- Play that shit as it lies. No adjusting your ball so it has a good lie in the rough. No fucking foot wedges. None of that shit. Have some goddamn pride, will ya?
- If you are looking for your ball and find three of lost balls before you find yours, that means it’s time to stop looking for your ball. Seriously, I’ll let you borrow some of my balls to finish the round (you’ll have to ask your mom for them though). No one wants to wait around while you say “HEY GUYS, A PROV1!” five times. If you can’t find your ball quickly, you are probably better off dropping one anyway.
- It’s your responsibility to watch your own ball. Listen, my glasses look like fucking cold bottles, so I understand your struggle, fellow blind golfer. But don’t expect other people to know where your ball is. You can’t find it? Drop one, take your penalty, and move on.
- Also for the sake of time, if you hit a shitty shot, but didn’t lose it, don’t hit another ball from the same place just for practice. Just hit a better shot on your first try. Practice shots are for the range.
- You are responsible for your own score. I’m quoting this from last year’s post, but it deserves repeating: It is also your responsibility to keep an eye on everyone in your group’s score. I know that no one we’d invite would be a big enough dick to actually shave strokes, but I’m certain we’ve invited some people who can’t fucking count. So you think so and so got an 8 on a hole, but he says he got a 7. Bring it up. If you need to bring it up every hole, do so. Hopefully he will learn how to count his own strokes. If it continues to be a problem, you can say something to me, but all I can do is say “everyone in your group thinks you are either retarded or a cheating asshole, get your shit together.” This weekend is all about a good time, so pretty please with a cherry on top respect the game, the tournament, and your fellow competitors.
- We managed to pull the timing of this off last year without any major issues, but by no means does that mean we can lollygag around this year. Please play ready golf. We have 28 fucking guys out there this year, so we need to be even better about pace of play now. If one group is backing up behind you that means everyone is. Don’t waste your time reading your putts from every goddamn angle, you are going to miss it anyway. Don’t take 5 practice swings before your subterraneans. Don’t just sit there in the cart while your partner hits, go to your ball. Just don’t be a fucking idiot. If everyone is playing ready golf, we should have plenty of time to play and relax between rounds. And by relax, I mean drink 100 beers and smoke 1,000 heaters.
- Danny’s (who would rather go to a wedding than tKOX) picks
- RDGC – Robinson
- Bixler – Greg
- DFL – Keith
- BMFD – Ben
- Drunkest – Lloyd
Alright, enough with all that bullshit. The time is finally upon us. Let’s go fucking nuts this weekend. It sounds like we all need it.
Practice round boys, I’ll see you tomorrow. Make sure to bring some cash, because Cahill has about 900 differents bets lined up. If you were dumb enough to go to work tomorrow, God speed. That’s going to be miserable.