RULEZ!!!1!

Well boys, we finally made it. The Kendallville Open VII is finally here, well kind of. Technically it’s not for another two days, but I’m not working tomorrow so it’s here for me and everyone else taking part in the practice round. Before we crush a million beers and forget how to act like civilized human beings, I just wanted to lay down some base rules to refresh everyone’s memory.

  • Make sure you play your ball all the way to completion on every hole. Yes, we are doing a match play event on Friday and if you are getting smoked, some of those later holes might not count for anything in that match, HOWEVER every hole counts for the Bixler and the RDGC. The moment you pick up your ball and say “just give me an 8.” BOOM, you are DNF-ed or “Curtised”.
  • You get one mulligan all weekend. It’s on the first tee box at Cobblestone. No breakfast balls at Glendarrin or Noble Hawk. Don’t like your tee shot? That’s cool, re-tee and hit another one. Just realize you are hitting your third shot.
  • All putts “inside the leather” are good, but remember YOU STILL HAVE TO COUNT THAT STROKE. For example, let’s say you have a par putt, miss it “inside the leather”, and pick it up. You got a bogey on that hole, not a par. Even Danny and Keith know this rule now, so no one has any excuses.
  • For the sake of time, play everything like a hazard. If you lose your ball off the tee, don’t re-tee. Just drop a ball on the line that it went out of bounds and play from there. Remember, you will be hitting your third shot.
  • Speaking of lost balls, if you are looking for your ball and find three of lost balls before you find yours, that means it’s time to stop looking for your ball. Seriously, I’ll let you borrow some of my balls to finish the round (you’ll have to ask your mom for them though). No one wants to wait around while you say “HEY GUYS, A PROV1!” five times. If you can’t find your ball quickly, you are probably better off dropping one anyway.
  • It’s your responsibility to watch your own ball. Listen, my glasses look like fucking cold bottles, so I understand your struggle, fellow blind golfer. But don’t expect other people to know where your ball is. You can’t find it? Drop one, take your penalty, and move on.
  • Also for the sake of time, if you hit a shitty shot, but didn’t lose it, don’t hit another ball from the same place just for practice. Just hit a better shot on your first try. Practice shots are for the range.
  • Remember, no one has ever made an eagle at any tKO, so don’t worry about waiting for the green to clear on those par 5s. You aren’t going to reach one of them. I can’t care who you are. Supposedly Mike R. claims that he’s reached one in two, but I don’t give a shit. I don’t want to wait for you to hit your 3 wood 90 yards to the right, when you needed to hit it 250 dead straight, carrying a bunker and a pond.
  • If you haven’t noticed, almost everything I’m going to bring up has to do with pace of place. With 24 players, this really is our number one goal. JUST PLAY READY GOLF. Don’t worry about honors on the tee box, who is further out, blah, blah, blah. No one enjoys a 5 hour round of golf, so do everything you can to keep up with the group in front of you.
  • You are responsible for your own score, however it is also your responsibility to keep an eye on everyone in your group’s score. I know that no one we’d invite would be a big enough dick to actually shave strokes, but I’m certain we’ve invited some people who can’t fucking count. So you think so and so got an 8 on a hole, but he says he got a 7. Bring it up. If you need to bring it up every hole, do so. Hopefully he will learn how to count his own strokes. If it continues to be a problem, you can say something to me, but all I can do is say “everyone in your group thinks you are either retarded or a cheating asshole, get your shit together.” This weekend is all about a good time, so pretty please with a cherry on top respect the game, the tournament, and your fellow competitors.

Now that all that garbage is out of the way, here is your final installment from tKONN. And it’s a masterpiece…because it’s all about me. .

I feel like I deserve the chance to say that the “report” they reference here is from college and I didn’t even know I had a linkedIn page. But mere semantics, the bottom line is they hit the nail on the head. My job (me) is incredibly boring

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2 thoughts on “RULEZ!!!1!

  1. ben82law says:

    TKONN does it again. Though provoking performance and a look inside the mind of the dear commissioner couldn’t have been more thoroughly produced. Hats off.

    and.. Google thanks you all for finally realizing how awesome it is. Hangouts, YouTube, Google Search. Next years tournament sponsor list is getting mighty substantial. Oh and thanks to Weather Bug for informing us all on why it is and always will be the greatest weather source known to men under the age of 21. Reminder to all to check your twitter feed. The fine folks in the Weather Bug social media department provided us with some insight into their new Spark tool to make sure we all go unstruck by lighting this weekend.

    See your face this weekend.
    CTO Out!

  2. B Miller says:

    I heard the Commish had all of his lines written on the inside of his shades.

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