Pen Pals

Commissioner’s Note: No, this is not the official tKOVI video (aka the highlight of your summer), but fret not, it’s coming. Hopefully it’ll be done in the next couple weeks, just in time to re-motivate you after a summer full of shooting 107s. This email thread randomly popped up in my inbox this morning. The only edit I made is the removal of full names. Looks like tKOVII is shaping up to be a knock down, drag out war.

White James [8:40 AM CST]:

Hello Gentlemen,

I have been meaning to confront Mike R. over this but thought I would copy Brendan on it as well to have a witness.  If you will remember, on the final Sunday of TKO VI I went out to my car to go to the course and the battery was dead.  At the time I found this frustrating, but things happen with cars and I just wanted to get to the course, so I didn’t think more about it initially.  When I got back home, I took my car to the dealership first thing on Monday morning (it started Monday morning on its own).  The dealership tested the car in every way it knew how and couldn’t find a thing wrong with it (they didn’t even charge me because they couldn’t find anything wrong).  I have since driven the car for more than a month now and not once since then have I had a problem with it.  Now without accusing anyone (actually, I am directly accusing him) I wonder if Mike may have tampered with my car Saturday night/Sunday morning in an attempt to throw me off of my game?  It also could have been Rich, but I have definitely ruled out Mike C. (for the obvious reason that he was a total waste of humanity that night and incapable of doing such a thing).  So I wanted to write this out to give Mike a chance for a written rebuttal with a witness and just go on record with such a strange and coincidental event.  I hope you are having a nice little Wednesday.

Mike R. [9:14 AM CST]:


The statute of limitations has certainly expired for whatever I may or may not have done to your car.  On the flip side however, let’s consider that you had a 3 shot lead with 4 holes to play on Sunday afternoon.  Now I’m not saying that you choked away the final 4 holes, Lord knows that shooting a 79 on a final round tKO Sunday is a masterpiece in its own right.  But if you were thinking about your car on the crucial 15th, 16th and 18th holes where you lost strokes to me, then perhaps you weren’t a worthy champion to begin with.

I appreciate you giving me this opportunity to clear my good (and CHAMPION) name.  I can only hope that our friendship continues to flourish under these trying circumstances. 

Yours in golf,

Mike R.

5-time and current tKO Champion

White James [9:24 AM CST]:


Two points of clarification.

1) There are no statutes of limitation when TKO is involved.

2) I was not thinking about my car on the last 4 holes, but clearly the stress and anxiety caused by my car in the morning before the round began led to my reduction in stamina and therefore affected my ability to finish with authority over the final stretch.  This allowed you to squeak out your miraculous victory and could explain your calm demeanor as you were getting left behind on the back 9.  I feel you knew your plan would take an effect on me down the stretch. 

Finally, our friendship remains strong, however, as I have proven in the past, when properly motivated, I can be dangerous to your plans to dominate TKO.  I may just have to get out to a larger lead next year…

Coming for you,


Previous (and Future) TKO Champion and Wronged Party

Mike R. [9:41 AM CST]:

White James,

My fear is that you’re an every other year type of player.  You get fat and happy in the off-season spending time drinking Cristal out of the RDGC Cup, only to find yourself unprepared for the following year’s tournament.  There is no doubt in my mind that you’ll come back stronger than ever next year, which guarantees that I’ll be f*cking with your car (again or for the first time?). 

In the meantime, I’ll put the Cup on my mantle and stare at it every day.  I choose not to gloat or over indulge in my victories, only to use one championship to propel myself to another…what is it that the great LeBron James once said?  Not five, not six, not seven….I’m only just beginning.

Cheers in competition


White James [9:52 AM CST]:

Hmmm, interesting question you pose, but let me ask another.  Are you an every other year type player?  You have only won every other year since I have been involved in the competition. 

Also, now that you are starting to have kids, I feel you might become even more of an every other year type player, where as I am done having kids and my game should level out. 

Your Concerned Friend,

James (V, VII, VIII, IX, X….) [REDACTED]

Mike R [10:10 AM CST]:

Such a deep thinker, my concerned friend.  Let me just say this.  While I won’t pretend to know what having a child will do to my overall game or life in general, I do know one thing.  Kendallville, Indiana is my home.  Now it may not be my physical home or even my birthplace, but there is a undeniable connection between me and those green, green greens.  One week a year I find peace on those open fairways and large drinking patios and it makes me a better person and player. 

And for those computing at home, winning 5 of 6 doesn’t constitute every other year.  And even though I’m no math whiz, I believe winning 2 of those 3 competitions between us is greater than winning 1 of 3 (stats major Brendan, please confirm this).

White James, you’ve undeniably pushed me to improve my own game and I appreciate that as a competitor.  Let’s only hope that in the future we can continue to drive each other to greatness rather than chopping each other down with false accusations.

Your innocent friend,




2 thoughts on “Pen Pals

  1. Jeremy says:

    Slow your roll gentlemen. You are speaking like it is a 2 man race for the RDGC trophy in the coming years. You might have stirred the pot a little with the above and have some others gunning for you. Not me, I suck. But others. Not Brendan either because his “new swing” is pushing him to the Bixler race.

  2. arab says:

    At least Arab wasnt to blame

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