Slow Play

It’s Kendallville Open week, I hope everyone is ready. And judging from the scores from Sunday on Fairway Files, I’d say that no one is. That was some serious handicap sandbaggin’ if I’ve ever seen it. I’m so proud of all of you. Remember, you have until Friday morning to enter in your Fairway File scores, so there’s still time to get in another practice round or four.

So, we have a little bit of an issue. When I called the courses today to confirm everything, they had our Saturday tee times mixed up. So instead of 8am and 2:30pm, they have us going on at 8:30am and 2pm. Fucking Kim. There’s a reason why the RDGC Cup is not the KDGC Cup. While this does you an extra 30 minutes of precious sleep, it is going to make things a little rushed for the draft. So in order to make sure everyone has ample time to order hot dogs and J Weeds at the turn on Saturday, we are going to do the Scramble Team Draft on Friday night back the Best Western. The bottom 5 guys will still be captains, and since we know when everyone is teeing off on Saturday morning, we’ll try to set it up to give everyone as much time as possible between rounds.

This also seems like as good a time as any to remind everyone about playing faster this year. In order to help pick up the pace, here are a couple tips.

  • Any putt “within the leather” is good. This means from the bottom of the grip of your putter to the end of your putter head. The easiest thing to do put your putter head in the hole, is your ball inside the bottom of your grip? Then congrats, you just got to pick up a putt that you probably were going to miss. And yes, you still have to count it. This just means we are assuming you are going to make it, and you know what they say when you assume.  You would be surprised at how many people didn’t quite understand this last year.
  • You are not Bubba Watson. You can’t reach the par 5s in two, so please don’t stand in the fairway from 250 yards out and wait for the green to clear, so you can proceed to top the ball 30 yards. There have been 0 recorded eagles in tKO history. There is a reason for this.
  • You also don’t need 15 practice strokes. You probably think I’m talking about the 5th flight guys right now, but you couldn’t be more wrong. The biggest culprits of slow play last year was pretty much everyone EXCEPT for the 5th flight guys. So if you weren’t in the fifth flight last year, then I’m talking to you. Except for me, because I’m perfect. You will never been Bubba Watson, but please don’t settle for being Kevin Na.
  • Play “ready golf”. Don’t wait for whoever has honors to hit. If you are ready, let’er rip. Same thing around the greens. Is your boys still chunking shot after shot in the bunker? Why don’t you go ahead and putt? I promise, there will be no penalty strokes playing out of turn. In fact, it’s encouraged. Each round should take around 4 hours.
  • If you hit a ball out of bounds, you don’t have to re-tee. Just drop it on the line you think it crossed OB and take a penalty stroke. This goes along with lost balls. If you can’t find your ball relatively quickly, you probably don’t want to find it, because your lay is going to be shit. Just drop and move on. You can steal balls from Bryce when he’s not looking if you start running low.
  • You get one mulligan all weekend. One. It’s on the first tee at Cobblestone. And you have to take a swig of Marker’s Mark from Curt if you want to use it. There will be no other mulligans.
  • Just as how we are recognizing the Best Mother Fucking Dressed on the website this year, we will also be recognizing the Slowest Mother Fucker Alive. This is to be worn like a scarlet letter. What does this mean? Congrats! You won’t be invited to play golf with any of us once we get back home.
  • Lastly, this doesn’t have anything to do with slow play, but since we all have on our serious pants, I think it’s appropriate here. Keep track of your foursomes score, as well as your own. If you think someone shot an 8 as opposed to a 7, say something. We’re all stand up guys at the Kendallville Open, integrity is key. If we think we got a 7, instead of an 8, it’s because we’re awful and we forgot one of our numerous shitty shots, not because we are dicks and are trying to cheat our boys. Because that would be a dick move.

So try to keep this all in mind when you are out there this weekend. 72 holes is a lot of god damn golf, so don’t worry about getting your money’s worth by taking your sweet ass time out there. Remember, every moment you waste on reading putts and making practice swings is a moment that could be spent getting drunk and making fun of Danny.

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5 thoughts on “Slow Play

  1. Jeremy says:

    Why isn’t Bryce’s face on speedy? That is who this post should be addressed to.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I will reach a par 5 in two this year. I will not make the putt.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Blumpkin

  4. Time Cop says:

    Speaking of timing, I think the Countdown Clock is two hours slow. How about a little dedication to the event already?

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