Time is running out…

With The Open only 3 weeks away, time is of the essence. There’s probably not enough time left to perfect that new swing you picked up watching Bubba at the Masters ready for Kendallville.  However, there’s still plenty left to do to make sure you’re hitting on all cylinders come Friday, May 18th. Here’s a check list to make sure you’ll be in the right place the VI tees off.

  • Have you done everything you can to prepare yourself both physically and mentally? The Kendallville Open is 3 long days that will test your game, your sanity, and your blood alcohol content level.  And a couple guys will be nursing some pretty significant injuries, Bryce still suffering from a senseless attack at the hands of Smurfette, Mundelein Mark destroying his knee during a volleyball tournament, and Mike R. still in anguish from the brutal ego beat down courtesy of White James. For the next three weeks, you should be living in a bubble.
  • Is your game in the right place heading into the tournament? Truth be told, the real competition this year is going to be for the Bixler. How’s your handicap look? There’s a couple ways to approach this. You can try to actually post respectable scores and become a better player, i.e. Indy Mark and White James. Or you can actually become an awful golfer and pretend like you are just trying to sandbag your handicap, i.e. me and Ben. Or you can basically quit golf since the last Kendallville Open and just see what happens, i.e. Jeremy and Danny.
  • Is your mack game in the right place heading into the tournament? You know the word has spread throughout Northeast Indiana about the party we turned out at Glen Darin Hills last year. There will definitely be more barely legal cart girls for Marty and cougars at Applebee’s for Mike C.’s alter-ego. Remember boys, in Kendallville, we are gods.
  • Speaking of Applebee’s, have you looked over the Applebee’s menu recently? I recommend the chicken fajita roll ups paired with the frozen strawberry margarita. TO DIE FOR. Perhaps the biggest development of tKOVI has slipped right beneath our radar. The Mas Locos Tacos aka the Dorito Taco aka the best thing on earth will be mere steps from the Best Western Kendallville Inn. I will eat roughly 87 of these over the course of the weekend.
  • Did you remember to turn  your swag on? Did you take a look in the mirror and say “What’s up?” While there won’t be an award for the best dressed, the competition for the Best Mother Fucking Dressed is still very much alive. I know Shane, Greg, and I have nothing to worry about when it comes to looking fly, but what about the rest of you? Was tKOV just a one hit wonder for Bryce and Keith? How is the mustache we all agreed to grow in memory of Ian coming along? Three weeks left, if you need to special order your knickers from Scotland, you probably should do so now to make sure you get them in time.
  • Make sure to study up on the courses. A true professional always knows what holes to play it safe on and when to go pin hunting. Each of the course websites have links to extremely helpful course layouts. From there, you can pinpoint the exact location of Mundelein Mark’s Subterreanian as well as where Austin decided enough was enough and took that poor mole’s life. This will also come in handy when planning where your scramble team will shot gun beers or leave warm shots of Jameson on the tee box for the following group. Preparation is key!

As a five time tKO vet, I don’t want to give too many more of my Kendallville secrets away, but this should be enough to get you started. New guys, you have no idea what you have gotten yourself into. Get your act together, kids. It’s almost time.


5 thoughts on “Time is running out…

  1. Robinson says:

    A true savvy vet. Gives just enough information to intrigue, but doesn’t give away his hard-earned secrets. Now that the BMFD award is no longer in play, perhaps his focus will be a return back to the Final Foursome, where he rightfully belongs.

  2. arab says:

    I haven’t given up just merly taking a break. Remember nice guys always finish last

  3. Shane says:

    This new taco place intrigues me. What are the odds every cart girl in the county is working the night shift there to pay for a dead beat babies dady..

  4. Keith Raimondi says:

    I have started the moustache and will display it’s majesty on Friday May 18th!

  5. Keith Raimondi says:

    Too bad the team Asian and Mike Robinson can’t grow a mustache. Poor hairless rats.

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