Jeremy of all trades…

Social Media Director and last year’s 15th place finisher would like to drop some knowledge on you to prepare for tKOVI. Shout out to Mike R. for another stellar MS Paint photoshop job and the anonymous troller on the comments who took shots at Jeremy in the last post! Shots fired!

So he that should remain nameless, because he thinks going to Myrtle Beach with some geezers is a better story then the ultimate golf tournament, brought to my attention and article about the worst golf partners.  That got me thinking, I hate pretty much everyone that participates in tKO so this would be easy to figure out which one matches up with the participants.  Okay his name is Matt Ginella, I tried to keep him nameless but it is ridiculous that there isn’t bigger nationwide coverage of tKO.  Holler at your boy on twitter to help him come to his senses – @Matt_Ginella.

So without further ado here are tKO’s 18 most annoying golf partners:

1.       Unsolicited swing advice guy

Defining characteristics: Knows exactly how to fix your swing even though you didn’t ask. Employs a vast array of swing jargon that only confuses you further. 

Favorite expression: “Wait, try this!”

tKO equivalent –White James

Danny told me that last year White James was in his ear all weekend:  “Danny, keep your head down”; “Danny, lock your wrists”; “Danny, replace my divot”.  It’s that arrogant behavior of White James thinking because he was winning by 25 strokes that it instantly makes him better than the rest of us. Well it does sir. But you don’t have to treat us like Louisville treated Michigan State in the regional semifinal. (The above may or may not have happened; I am trying to secure a first and second source).

2.       Human rain delay

Defining characteristics: Thinks he is honoring spirit of the game by never picking up. Not in the spirit of the game: dragging his foursome through a three-and-a-half hour front nine.

Favorite expression: “Put me down for a 10.”

tKO equivalent – Bryce

Our very own Sergio Garcia, takes approximately 32 minutes from choosing the right club until finally hitting the ball.  No big deal though; that only equates to around 213 hours for him to play 4 rounds.  Not good at math but I believe our weekend has that many hours.

3.       Cell phone guy

Defining characteristics: Considers golf course an extension of his office, home, therapist’s couch, etc. Has perfected the balancing-phone-on-the-shoulder wedge shot.

Favorite expression: “You guys hit. I gotta take this.”

tKO equivalent – Brendan

Brendan spends 22 months planning each year’s event but when he arrives he spends the whole time on his phone.  Who the hell are you talking to?  The losers that bailed or couldn’t make it to tKO?  Why waste your time sexting texting with them.  Oh wait this year you will probably be texting with the wedding planner.  I get it, it’s cool.

4.       The cart girl schmoozer

Defining characteristics: Convinced he’s got a shot with the cart girl. Would be crushed to learn she offered the same flirty laugh and bag of nuts to foursome of geeks up ahead.

Favorite expression: “We’ll take four beers and one more smile, darlin’.”

tKO equivalent – Marty and Shane

This one was a dogfight because we are all pretty creepy. Shane epitomizes the description above.  He thinks that by tipping her $10 for 2 beers that will work to woo her and she will be waiting for him in the van after the round. Marty on the other hand is sneaking with courtship.  He will pour out beers (no confirmation on this just thought I would throw it out there) and be the first to offer to buy the round just to sneak in a little more quality time with the young lass.  Just remember, if she has braces it is probably a good idea to stay away.

5.       The parking lot pro

Defining characteristics: Color-coordinated outfit, matching logos and oversized tour bag suggest he’s played professionally. Topped drive off the first tee suggests otherwise.

Favorite expression: “These are the same shoes Tiger wears. ”

tKO equivalent – Shane

The first five words of this description should give this one away.  No one cares about their outfit more than Shane (may I add without ever receiving one BMFD vote).  Also, be careful not to get in the way of his air practice swings in the parking lot leading up to the round.  If you watch the “air drive” from those swings you will realize then that he is just a parking lot pro.

6.       The air counter

Defining characteristics: Can’t remember his score without reliving every shot in detail.

Favorite expression: “One in the pond, two drop, three back in the pond. Four I had that funky lie in the bunker and left it in the bunker … ”

tKO equivalent –Pretty much the whole tKO

This one pretty much sums up the tKO.  How can anyone expect us to remember all our strokes in between pounding Jeremiah Weeds (we should really look at a sponsorship), shot gunning beers, taking shots of whiskey.  It’s amazing that we are breathing at the end of the round let alone know our score.

7.       The frat boy

Defining characteristics: Unable to fathom a round of golf without a steady stream of adult beverages. Idea of restraint is to hold off drinking … until the second hole.

Favorite expression: “A few beers will loosen up that swing!”

tKO equivalent – Greg

Here is another category that we can all fit into. However, no one takes it to the level Greg does.  Others have tried (Keith – “I feel pretty”), but no one else brings it like Greg.  We all know that if there were Vegas odds on events that could potentially take place during the weekend (i.e. – who would get us kicked off a course, who will get slapped by the cart girl first, who will streak through the clubhouse) Greg would be the odds on favorite for each and every one.

8.       Cigar guy

Defining characteristics: The easiest golfer to locate on the course thanks to waft of smoke trailing behind him. Oblivious to playing partners struggling for air — and the ash droppings on his belly.

Favorite expression: “Straight from Havana, baby!”

tKO equivalent – Keith and Rich

They brought cigars the last 2 years.

9.       The sandbagger

Defining characteristics: The 15 handicap who is somehow playing “much better” than he has in years. Feigns apology when he drops bunker shot within inches of cup, then kicks sand off his shoes like a tour pro.

Favorite expression: “I guess it’s just one of those days…”

tKO equivalent – C’mon!

We are who we thought we were. The Bixler was made because those of us who suck, suck.

10.   Oblivious guy

Defining characteristics: So preoccupied with his own game never looks for anyone else’s ball. When driving a cart, always blows past your ball and heads directly to his.

Favorite expression: “But enough about me. What do YOU think of my swing?”

tKO equivalent – Jeremy

To be honest I could have added myself to a lot of these categories (air-counter, frat boy) but when you are as bad as I am at golf why bother caring about the honor of the game.  It is not my fault that I always end up in the woods and therefore my cart partner has to walk most of the day and therefore never has the club they need.  It is not my fault that my putt for 10 is more important than your birdie putt and let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter if I walk in your line; you were going to miss it anyway.

11.   Ball retriever guy

Defining characteristics: Never passes a water hazard without his trusty scoop at the ready. Last bought a new sleeve of balls in the late 80s.

Favorite expression: “Whoa! A ProV1!”

tKO equivalent –Bryce

I think he actually does have a ball retriever.  This man will do everything possible to find a ball.  He doesn’t care if it takes 45 minutes, it is worth it to save the $1.50 for a new ball.

12.   The volcano

Defining characteristics: Has unique ability to allow even the most pleasant days to be soured by any bad swing, bounce, or lie. Relies on Ball Retriever Guy to occasionally fetch clubs out of lake.

Favorite expression: “[Not printable]”

tKO equivalent –Do we need to even say

The first tKO trophy was created by the shaft of a club Cahill broke.  Every year we just wait for that moment to happen.  You never forget where you were when he blows up.

13.   Delusional guy

Defining characteristics: Forces group to wait on every par 5 because he’s convinced he can get home in two. Usually get there in four.

Favorite expression: “If I really catch it, I can get there.”

tKO equivalent – Austin

In his defense, 2% of the time it works 100% of the times.

14.   Mulligan guy

Defining characteristics: Liberally allows himself another whack even when first shot is findable.

Favorite expression: “Wait, wait, wait. I gotta try another.”

tKO equivalent – Mike Robinson

So the kid lives in Atlanta, so we have no real way to verify the fairwayfiles scores he is putting in are true.  I don’t know how things work in the south but I image there are a lot of redneck courses down there that are pretty liberal with golf “rules”.  I assume they probably involve guns somehow and with that a liberty to count the strokes you want to.

15.   The plumb bobber

Defining characteristics: The only guy in the group not to notice the foursome behind yelling from the fairway as he lines up his putt for double from every angle imaginable.

Favorite expression: “Son of a gun, I actually think it goes both ways!”

tKO equivalent –Danny

The difference from the description above and Danny is that it really doesn’t matter what he is putting for.  No one would believe him it was for a birdie.  Therefore he should really just drink and stay in the cart all weekend.  Actually that doesn’t sound like a bad idea for me also.

16. Yardage book guy

Defining characteristics: Has to walk off every blade of grass before hitting. After contemplating whether a shot is 176 yards or 178, ends up hitting it 150.

Favorite expression: “I can’t decide if it’s a hard 7 or a soft 6.”

tKO equivalent –Austin

Really a rangefinder Austin!? Come on! Don’t be that guy.

17. The Cheat

Defining characteristics: A sympathetic figure when he pushes his tee shot deep into the woods. Not as sympathetic: When he announces his ball somehow stayed in bounds — with a clear shot to the green!

Favorite expression: “Better to be lucky than good!”

tKO equivalent –N/A

Everyone was probably nervous about this one. “Did Jeremy see me not count that last stroke”; “Hope no one noticed that my ball was in the bunker and now it is magically in the hole”.  I would put people on blast, but I may or may not have setup “arrangements” for my advantage this year.

18. The Overcelebrater

 Defining characteristics: Treats every holed three footer as if just won the Masters. Has sent multiple playing partners home early thanks to overzealous chest bumping.

Favorite expression: “Yes SIR!”

tKO equivalent – Danny

Danny, you are mathematically eliminated after the second hole of the tourney.  Sinking that 2 foot putt for quadruple bogey does not warrant an 8 minute dance party to celebrate.

So there you have it.  Don’t say you weren’t warned when you end up with one of these individuals in your foursome.

For those of you that didn’t make the list, it is not because you a professional and don’t have any bad golfing habits.  It is just because I don’t care about you enough to get to know you and/or I haven’t been in a foursome with you.  Maybe that will change this year and I will be able to make fun of you next year.  Fingers crossed!


7 thoughts on “Jeremy of all trades…

  1. He’s also reached out to the Tony Kornheiser Show and the Dan Patrick show. I’m pretty sure by the time Jeremy’s done promoting ESPN will be doing Live from Kendallville spots for Sportscenter all weekend long. Good shit, J.

  2. Robinson says:

    Daggers flying everywhere! I can’t wait to take 17 mulligans on the first tee. You’re dead to me, Jeremy! Even though I told you yesterday you were my new hero. Compliment revoked!

  3. Murphy says:

    Wilson, you made a lot of enemies with this post. Next time you ask me for the yardage on a hole, guess what….I’ll tell you but not be too happy about it.

  4. She Was Legal! says:

    Hilarious, JW. I’ll be consulting my lawyers Indy Mark and Curt (aka C&C Legal Factory) to verify the ages of consent in Indiana and Illinois. Expect a defamation suit to be waiting for you on the first tee at Cobblestone!

  5. ian says:

    Jeremy – I’m fairly please that I was absent from the categories as listed above. I’m fairly certain that it’s because you forgot that I exist. In the event that isn’t the case, you: a) think I’m a badass with zero flaws; b) belive that gentlemen who have only qualified for three tournaments don’t deserve a shout out; or c) love the shit out of danny, as he attended one tournament and received many Jeremy-Awards, none of which included socks to cover something funny (love you, danny).

    Best of luck to you ya’ll – i think Mike says ya’ll now.

  6. White James says:

    Just to clear my name a bit let me recap my introduction to Danny. Shot #1 – Slices ball into #9 fairway (approximately 86* left) Shots #2-6 trying force the ball through a forest to get back to hole #1 Shots #7 – 10 Desperately trying to finish the hole.

    After we finish the hole and get into the cart here is the first thing Danny says to me, “You know when I think I went wrong on that hole?” To which I replied, “When you teed off?”

    My advice for Danny was not unsolicited.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Best advice “Danny should really just drink and stay in the cart all weekend”

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