Social Media Director and last year’s 15th place finisher would like to drop some knowledge on you to prepare for tKOVI. Shout out to Mike R. for another stellar MS Paint photoshop job and the anonymous troller on the comments who took shots at Jeremy in the last post! Shots fired!
So he that should remain nameless, because he thinks going to Myrtle Beach with some geezers is a better story then the ultimate golf tournament, brought to my attention and article about the worst golf partners. That got me thinking, I hate pretty much everyone that participates in tKO so this would be easy to figure out which one matches up with the participants. Okay his name is Matt Ginella, I tried to keep him nameless but it is ridiculous that there isn’t bigger nationwide coverage of tKO. Holler at your boy on twitter to help him come to his senses – @Matt_Ginella.
So without further ado here are tKO’s 18 most annoying golf partners:
1. Unsolicited swing advice guy
Defining characteristics: Knows exactly how to fix your swing even though you didn’t ask. Employs a vast array of swing jargon that only confuses you further.
Favorite expression: “Wait, try this!”
tKO equivalent –White James
Danny told me that last year White James was in his ear all weekend: “Danny, keep your head down”; “Danny, lock your wrists”; “Danny, replace my divot”. It’s that arrogant behavior of White James thinking because he was winning by 25 strokes that it instantly makes him better than the rest of us. Well it does sir. But you don’t have to treat us like Louisville treated Michigan State in the regional semifinal. (The above may or may not have happened; I am trying to secure a first and second source).
2. Human rain delay
Defining characteristics: Thinks he is honoring spirit of the game by never picking up. Not in the spirit of the game: dragging his foursome through a three-and-a-half hour front nine.
Favorite expression: “Put me down for a 10.”
tKO equivalent – Bryce
Our very own Sergio Garcia, takes approximately 32 minutes from choosing the right club until finally hitting the ball. No big deal though; that only equates to around 213 hours for him to play 4 rounds. Not good at math but I believe our weekend has that many hours.
3. Cell phone guy
Defining characteristics: Considers golf course an extension of his office, home, therapist’s couch, etc. Has perfected the balancing-phone-on-the-shoulder wedge shot.
Favorite expression: “You guys hit. I gotta take this.”
tKO equivalent – Brendan
Brendan spends 22 months planning each year’s event but when he arrives he spends the whole time on his phone. Who the hell are you talking to? The losers that bailed or couldn’t make it to tKO? Why waste your time sexting texting with them. Oh wait this year you will probably be texting with the wedding planner. I get it, it’s cool.
4. The cart girl schmoozer
Defining characteristics: Convinced he’s got a shot with the cart girl. Would be crushed to learn she offered the same flirty laugh and bag of nuts to foursome of geeks up ahead.
Favorite expression: “We’ll take four beers and one more smile, darlin’.”
tKO equivalent – Marty and Shane
This one was a dogfight because we are all pretty creepy. Shane epitomizes the description above. He thinks that by tipping her $10 for 2 beers that will work to woo her and she will be waiting for him in the van after the round. Marty on the other hand is sneaking with courtship. He will pour out beers (no confirmation on this just thought I would throw it out there) and be the first to offer to buy the round just to sneak in a little more quality time with the young lass. Just remember, if she has braces it is probably a good idea to stay away.
5. The parking lot pro
Defining characteristics: Color-coordinated outfit, matching logos and oversized tour bag suggest he’s played professionally. Topped drive off the first tee suggests otherwise.
Favorite expression: “These are the same shoes Tiger wears. ”
tKO equivalent – Shane
The first five words of this description should give this one away. No one cares about their outfit more than Shane (may I add without ever receiving one BMFD vote). Also, be careful not to get in the way of his air practice swings in the parking lot leading up to the round. If you watch the “air drive” from those swings you will realize then that he is just a parking lot pro.
6. The air counter
Defining characteristics: Can’t remember his score without reliving every shot in detail.
Favorite expression: “One in the pond, two drop, three back in the pond. Four I had that funky lie in the bunker and left it in the bunker … ”
tKO equivalent –Pretty much the whole tKO
This one pretty much sums up the tKO. How can anyone expect us to remember all our strokes in between pounding Jeremiah Weeds (we should really look at a sponsorship), shot gunning beers, taking shots of whiskey. It’s amazing that we are breathing at the end of the round let alone know our score.
7. The frat boy
Defining characteristics: Unable to fathom a round of golf without a steady stream of adult beverages. Idea of restraint is to hold off drinking … until the second hole.
Favorite expression: “A few beers will loosen up that swing!”
tKO equivalent – Greg
Here is another category that we can all fit into. However, no one takes it to the level Greg does. Others have tried (Keith – “I feel pretty”), but no one else brings it like Greg. We all know that if there were Vegas odds on events that could potentially take place during the weekend (i.e. – who would get us kicked off a course, who will get slapped by the cart girl first, who will streak through the clubhouse) Greg would be the odds on favorite for each and every one.
8. Cigar guy
Defining characteristics: The easiest golfer to locate on the course thanks to waft of smoke trailing behind him. Oblivious to playing partners struggling for air — and the ash droppings on his belly.
Favorite expression: “Straight from Havana, baby!”
tKO equivalent – Keith and Rich
They brought cigars the last 2 years.
9. The sandbagger
Defining characteristics: The 15 handicap who is somehow playing “much better” than he has in years. Feigns apology when he drops bunker shot within inches of cup, then kicks sand off his shoes like a tour pro.
Favorite expression: “I guess it’s just one of those days…”
tKO equivalent – C’mon!
We are who we thought we were. The Bixler was made because those of us who suck, suck.
10. Oblivious guy
Defining characteristics: So preoccupied with his own game never looks for anyone else’s ball. When driving a cart, always blows past your ball and heads directly to his.
Favorite expression: “But enough about me. What do YOU think of my swing?”
tKO equivalent – Jeremy
To be honest I could have added myself to a lot of these categories (air-counter, frat boy) but when you are as bad as I am at golf why bother caring about the honor of the game. It is not my fault that I always end up in the woods and therefore my cart partner has to walk most of the day and therefore never has the club they need. It is not my fault that my putt for 10 is more important than your birdie putt and let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter if I walk in your line; you were going to miss it anyway.
11. Ball retriever guy
Defining characteristics: Never passes a water hazard without his trusty scoop at the ready. Last bought a new sleeve of balls in the late 80s.
Favorite expression: “Whoa! A ProV1!”
tKO equivalent –Bryce
I think he actually does have a ball retriever. This man will do everything possible to find a ball. He doesn’t care if it takes 45 minutes, it is worth it to save the $1.50 for a new ball.
12. The volcano
Defining characteristics: Has unique ability to allow even the most pleasant days to be soured by any bad swing, bounce, or lie. Relies on Ball Retriever Guy to occasionally fetch clubs out of lake.
Favorite expression: “[Not printable]”
tKO equivalent –Do we need to even say
The first tKO trophy was created by the shaft of a club Cahill broke. Every year we just wait for that moment to happen. You never forget where you were when he blows up.
13. Delusional guy
Defining characteristics: Forces group to wait on every par 5 because he’s convinced he can get home in two. Usually get there in four.
Favorite expression: “If I really catch it, I can get there.”
tKO equivalent – Austin
In his defense, 2% of the time it works 100% of the times.
14. Mulligan guy
Defining characteristics: Liberally allows himself another whack even when first shot is findable.
Favorite expression: “Wait, wait, wait. I gotta try another.”
tKO equivalent – Mike Robinson
So the kid lives in Atlanta, so we have no real way to verify the fairwayfiles scores he is putting in are true. I don’t know how things work in the south but I image there are a lot of redneck courses down there that are pretty liberal with golf “rules”. I assume they probably involve guns somehow and with that a liberty to count the strokes you want to.
15. The plumb bobber
Defining characteristics: The only guy in the group not to notice the foursome behind yelling from the fairway as he lines up his putt for double from every angle imaginable.
Favorite expression: “Son of a gun, I actually think it goes both ways!”
tKO equivalent –Danny
The difference from the description above and Danny is that it really doesn’t matter what he is putting for. No one would believe him it was for a birdie. Therefore he should really just drink and stay in the cart all weekend. Actually that doesn’t sound like a bad idea for me also.
16. Yardage book guy
Defining characteristics: Has to walk off every blade of grass before hitting. After contemplating whether a shot is 176 yards or 178, ends up hitting it 150.
Favorite expression: “I can’t decide if it’s a hard 7 or a soft 6.”
tKO equivalent –Austin
Really a rangefinder Austin!? Come on! Don’t be that guy.
17. The Cheat
Defining characteristics: A sympathetic figure when he pushes his tee shot deep into the woods. Not as sympathetic: When he announces his ball somehow stayed in bounds — with a clear shot to the green!
Favorite expression: “Better to be lucky than good!”
tKO equivalent –N/A
Everyone was probably nervous about this one. “Did Jeremy see me not count that last stroke”; “Hope no one noticed that my ball was in the bunker and now it is magically in the hole”. I would put people on blast, but I may or may not have setup “arrangements” for my advantage this year.
18. The Overcelebrater
Defining characteristics: Treats every holed three footer as if just won the Masters. Has sent multiple playing partners home early thanks to overzealous chest bumping.
Favorite expression: “Yes SIR!”
tKO equivalent – Danny
Danny, you are mathematically eliminated after the second hole of the tourney. Sinking that 2 foot putt for quadruple bogey does not warrant an 8 minute dance party to celebrate.
So there you have it. Don’t say you weren’t warned when you end up with one of these individuals in your foursome.
For those of you that didn’t make the list, it is not because you a professional and don’t have any bad golfing habits. It is just because I don’t care about you enough to get to know you and/or I haven’t been in a foursome with you. Maybe that will change this year and I will be able to make fun of you next year. Fingers crossed!