As the curtain closes on the 2011 golf season, Mike R. and I wanted to drop a quick line to all your tKO-ers before you pack away the clubs for the winter. First of all, don’t forget to mark May 18-20, 2012 on your calendars now, especially the 15 of you getting married next year. [SIDENOTE: Big shout out to tKO IV runner up Rich, who tied the knot today!] Mike R. and I have already begun the preliminary planning for tKO VI, highlighted with the addition of “The Race for the Blazer” (details to come). Also, for you snowbirds who plan on getting a couple of vacation rounds in, don’t forget to keep entering your scores on FairwayFiles.com. Lastly, here’s your updated handicap and rankings, so you know who you are gunning for when you finally dust the sticks off next April.
1. White James – 5.6 – Best Round: 74 – White James followed his runaway tKO V championship with a 2-over 74 the next weekend, prompting the Executive Committee to immediately create the Handicap competition to give everyone else a chance to win a tKO title. Rumors have it that White James will be forced to play by himself at VI, so as to not make everyone else feel shitty about their game.
2. Mike R. – 8.6 – Best Round: 78 – Despite living where golf is possible for 51 weeks a year, Mike R. has only played a handful of times this year, however each score puts him closer and closer to getting back his precious RDGC Cup….
3. Mike C. – 10.5 – Best Round: 77 – Consistency has never been one of Mike C.’s strong points, along with temper control, and that showed this summer with scores ranging from 77 to 91. But with two 81s at tKOV and 77 to close out the season, Mike C. has to be feeling confident that tKO VI is the year he gets to take home the RDGC to his new place in Indy. I had the pleasure of checking it out a couple weeks ago and Mike may or may not be building a trophy room in the enormous basement.
4. Austin – 11.8 – Best Round: 80 – Austin recently moved from Chicago back to Columbus, Ohio, where he has just broken ground on a practice facility in his backyard. It will feature a replica of the final three holes at Noble Hawk, including a whack-a-mole in the fairway bunker.
5. Rich – 12.1 – Best Round: 82 – After falling trap to the tKO runner up hang over in last year’s tournament, Rich has been a man on a mission this season posting eight straight rounds in the 80s. And then he got engaged and shot a 94. Is it too early to count him out already for tKO VI?
6. Brendan – 12.6 – Best Round: 79 – Following Austin’s Chicago departure, Brendan’s constant search for a stable foursome has him scouring Zoosk.com for like-minded abandoned golfers. Half white/Asian male, seeking golf partner (no homo), must like smoking, putting and Jeremiah Weed. So far, he’s gotten minimal response. It’s not your fault, Brendan. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault….
7. Indy Mark – 13.7 – Best Round: 84 – Indy Mark followed up his Flight 2 winning around with four consecutive rounds in the 80s before regressing towards the end of the season with a 90 and 94. Very similar to his beloved Purdue loading up the early half of their schedule against Middle Tennessee, Rice, and SE Missouri State…except he didn’t lose to Rice. Ouch.
8. Curt – 16.9 – Best Round: 104 – Word around Indy is that Curt has been battling a number of physical ailments since tKOV. It has not been confirmed, but Curt was spotted on a flight returning from Germany sitting next to Peyton manning. Sources overheard them discussing a recent stem cell procedure only available overseas. Curt’s eligibility for tKOVI due to performance enhancing drugs remains cloudy.
9. Asian James – 18.4 – Best Round: 87 – Asian James got married on a yacht this past summer (yes, a yacht), joining the ranks of married old men that make up 40% of the Kendallville Open lineup. And judging by his 13 post-tKO rounds he managed to get in this past year, it looks like he’s already spending as little time with his new bride as possible. Quick learner, that James is.
10. Mundelein Mark – 20.2 – Best Round: 92 – According to FairwayFiles.com, MM shot a career low 92 at Brookhill this summer. Scores like this will force Mark out the last place flight he’s been so comfortable in for the last two tKOs, leading to a potential Mundelein three way battle in the same flight next year with Shane and Greg. Please God, let this be the first three way involving those three.
11. Shane – 20.3 – Best Round: 94 – While Shane’s on course practice has been limited to one post-tKO round, he’s spent countless hours preparing for the third round scramble next year. As victim to one of these training sessions, I can attest that Shane will be ready come Saturday afternoon. Ready to black out.
12. Ben – 20.7 – Best Round: 92 – Like Curt, Ben has been been sidelined with injuries since mid summer. Recently he’s claimed to have revamped his swing to adjust for his torn meniscus. This does not sound like a bad idea at all. Look how well it’s worked for Tiger.
13. Bryce – 20.8 – Best Round: 102 – After his game failed to live up to expectations in his first visit to Kendallville, Bryce decided to cut a solid 10 seconds off his Sergio-esque pre-shot routine. Now it only takes him 35 seconds to address the ball. Add Bryce to the list of tKOers taking the wedding plunge next year, here’s hoping the reigning ‘I FEEL PRETTY’ award (formerly BMFD) winner walks down the aisle in those slick red polyester pants he wore on Scramble Saturday.
14. Greg – 20.9 – Best Round: 91 – As it currently stands, there are five players within a stroke of each other in the handicap rankings, making every round more important than the last in this group of players. Greg has managed to play more times than of all his competitors COMBINED this summer. In related news, Greg moved in with Kristy at the beginning of the summer. Correlation does not prove causation, but the numbers never lie, folks.
15. Marty – 24.5 – Best Round: 96 – Marty’s consecutive top ten finishes in tKO’s III and IV are distant memories as his game has fallen upon hard times recently. While two potential rounds this summer were washed out, one by rain and one by Jameson and pickle juice, if Marty plans on contending in tKO VI, he’ll need to refocus, or else he’ll be forced into becoming the official tKO instant replay consultant like his beloved Coach Tressel.
16. Danny – 26.3* – Best Round: 102* – Danny gets an asterisk by his one score on Fairway Files, as he admitted to only playing 9 holes and just doubling his score. Danny’s math skills appear to be up to par with his writing ability.
17. Keith – 32.0 – Best Round: 107 – After seeing Mike C. post career bests at tKOV thanks to Baby Grace, Keith immediately returned to Chicago and impregnated his wife. No pressure, Baby Mia. None at all…
18. Jeremy – 33.6 – Best Round: 104 – Jeremy is currently the overwhelming favorite for the soon to be introduced “Race for the Blazer” with an eye popping handicap of 33.6. When notified of his status as the odds on favorite, Jeremy’s stated “I plan on keeping my handicap favorite as high as possible, which shouldn’t be hard as Cheryl is currently traveling with a library of wedding magazines.”
Not Ranked – Ian – N/A – With IRS Shorts on the verge of blossoming into a full fledged Indie production company, Ian has had little time to golf. While he hides under the veil of work travel and a recently born third daughter as reasons for his lack of golf, the real reason is the hotly anticipated follow-up to his breakout smash hit ‘Blumpkin’ takes up most of his free time. And yes, I just made that up in the hopes that it pressures him into creating another video. Think Gorilla Mask or Dirty Sanchez…inspiration, Ian!
Not Ranked – Brooks – N/A – Brooks has been absent from Fairway Files, leaving all golfing news a mystery for his tKO competitors. By going completely off the grid, Brooks is risking a shot at the Race for the Blazer with the lack of an official Fairway Files handicap. However, we can confirm via facebook that Brooks has spent the majority of the off-season taking pictures of his daughter and venting about the Steelers. I am not sure how this affects his game, but at the time of publication, it is all the crack research team here TheKendallvilleOpen.com can confirm.