Commissioner’s note: Here’s the second in what I hope to be a series of five guest posts leading up to tKO V. Officially a month out, I hope all of you are sharpening up on your game. With his 110 on Sunday, Keith is already planning his Flight 5 championship parade. Are you going to take that, Jeremy, Danny, Mundelein Mark, and/or Shane? And Rich’s 87 looks like he picked up right where he left things off. Step it up, Flight 1 boys. I’m talking to you, Mike R. You might think you’re “focused”, but looks like you’re a little too preoccupied with ruining my Kendallville dreams. Vice commissioner, the floor is yours…
The Commish handed me the assignment of writing a post titled ‘Thoughts of a Champion’. Now, as much as I would love to reminisce about my multiple championships (four-time winner, for those of you who don’t know), I figured I’d take this time to roast the Commish himself a bit, Mr. Brendan Y. I mean, I’m the champ, I can write whatever the hell I want, right? Unfortunately, Brendan is the blog master, so let’s hope he has a sense of humor and doesn’t edit this before posting it to the site.
Top 6 tKO-related Dreams Brendan has on a nightly basis
(why six? Cause I couldn’t come up with 10)
6. Bad weather – this is more of a nightmare. After the Great Monsoon of 2008 washed out the entire final round of the first tKO and last year’s thunderstorm shortened Round One, Brendan has been waking up in cold sweats every night so he can check the Farmer’s Almanac to see what May 20-22nd will look like in Kendallville, IN.
5. Laverne & Shirley – after being forced to hand feed the longhorns every year, he’s started having strangely erotic dreams about a pasture, some pineapple parts and some loud moos in the distance…he’s hoping that not making the trip to Brenda and Dean’s this year will allow him to rest peacefully again.
4. Applebee’s – this is a strange dream. They can’t find a table big enough for 20 people. Then our waiter tries to put Coke in a vodka soda. Ian is heard spewing random, hateful thoughts at all the locals. Then, what’s this?! No FRUITY DRINKS on the menu?!? He instantly wakes up and makes himself a frozen daiquiri to calm his nerves.
3. The New Dedicated Golf Coordinator – now if you know Brendan, you know how much he loved Rainelle. Hell, the tKO trophy is even named after her. But she’s moved on to greener pastures (in Kendallville that equates to a clerk job at a bank across the street). In this dream he finds himself at the bank, begging her to return to her old job, complaining that Kim, the new dedicated golf coordinator, just doesn’t ‘get’ him like she did. He sheds a few tears, gives her a hug, and she hands him a parting gift of a great coupon for the local Pizza Hut (the #1 Pizza Hut in AMERICA!).
2. Losing…to me – now Brendan hates a lot of things; babies, marriage, most fellow Asians. But he really hates me. And losing to me. In this nightmare, as Commish of tKO, he must present the RDGC trophy to the winner. Only this time, he has to present the trophy to me four times. And not only that, he has to present the Shaka Open trophy to me AND the Flick Football Hi-Score Championship Trophy as well. The whole time he has to fake a smile and resist the urge not to take out my knee with his brand new Titleist 5-iron.
1. BMFD – the Best Mother Fuckin Dressed award was created by, nurtured by and ultimately won by Brendan the first three tournaments. When Best Dressed Greg pulled off the upset at tKO IV, Brendan’s world was crushed. He was heard complaining about Greg’s ‘lame pink pants’ and ‘stupid orange shirt’. He was bitter to say the least. But this dream really kills him. At V, all the participants show up in random outfits; Jeremy in jorts, Keith and Bryce in floral knickers, Danny wears nothing but a leprechaun hat (shudder), the Indy boys all wear their favorite Brad Miller throwback jerseys. It’s chaos and Brendan can’t handle it. His blood pressure is rising. ‘This isn’t the type of best dressed competition I envisioned’, he stammers. And then it happens, his head explodes. He wakes up and thankfully it was just a dream. Although I’ve heard Danny wears a mean Leprechaun hat.