the Kendallville Open XI – The Reaping…

Okay, you motherfuckers. Let’s crush someone’s dream.

 

The Drawing…

In honor of my golf (and life) hero Tiger Woods, we’re doing a little Friday afternoon news dump. Not really, this is massive fucking news.

Just as I feared, the final spot is going to come down the lottery draw between Dre and Trey. As the chairman, it breaks my heart to ever have to turn someone away from The Kendallville Open, but as a content producer, THIS IS GOLD. The tension will be impalpable. I would say this is will be the most tense tKO moment since the last lottery draw, but as Dre correctly pointed out, this is so much worse. At least neither Mat nor Chris knew what they were missing during their draw. Both Dre and Trey are having something beloved ripped from them! They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before, but I don’t know about all that, bruh. Finding out that you won’t be attending tKOXI is going to be fucking crushing, I love it. The tKO pulse hasn’t raced this fast since the Robinson Rich playoff match at tKOIV. I can’t wait.

So tune on Sunday evening, 6PM Central. Or as soon as I can figure out how to live stream a video chat. We’ll be broadcasting the lottery draw live on tKONN.

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2 weeks left…

The final deadline for RSVPs is just two weeks away and Trey and Dre are sweating bullets. While I’m on my way to Hawaii to receive my dad’s written confirmation, since he doesn’t know how to text or email, the last few responses are starting to roll in.

Keith had dreams of grandeur of putting together a Scorsesean film for his acceptance, but life got in the way, as life is wont to do.  However, he was at least able to pull together our updated logos, so all was not lost.

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Mat, a man after my own heart, dusted off the ol’ resume, along with a cover letter, are those still a thing? I must say, he’s a pretty impressive candidate!  However, I’m going to need someone to corroborate that story about the driver throw on NH #6. We can’t have a George O’Leary situation. Also, how about that signature? Looks kind of like Trump’s. Does everyone in DC sign their name like this? Shane’s shit must look like a Richter scale print out. Mat also left off “Best Hair”, seems like a pretty big oversight on his part.

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That just leaves Marty as the lone asshole not to respond. I’m really beginning to enjoy this tradition of waiting until the very last second, Martin J. It’s great. I love it. Assuming he’s in and we go to the draw, I’ll try to set that up pretty quickly so we can hurry up and figure out the team. We need to maximize the amount of time for team uniforms to clear customs from Alibaba Express or for team tattoos to heal. Stay tuned.

R.S.V.P. Updates…

Since blocking off my entire weekend to watch Tiger in the Farmers has appeared to backfire, I figured I would just embrace the disappointment and see how we’re doing on invitations for tKOXI. While some of you stragglers are finally starting to come home to roost:

And Chris, who has obviously fallen on hard times since his tKOVIII Bixler championship. It appears he hasn’t quite recovered from near DNF experience at tKOIX.

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There’s still a handful of you I haven’t heard from and one of you who thinks it’s cute to wait until the last second every year, Marty.  So if you are one of those assholes, let me know. I’ll be sitting around all weekend, not watching Tiger. 😦

From one Bixler champ to another…

On the eve of what is sure to be a historic inauguration, hopefully those in Washington can take a note from Kendallville heads of state on how to handle a transition of power with class and integrity. See Bixler VII Champion Jeremy’s official acceptance to the Kendallville Open XI. This information was secured by some of tKO’s most trusted agents, fueled by only the finest Russian vodka. As far as we know, no golden showers were involved.

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That, folks, is how you accept an invitation to an event as prestigious as the Kendallville Open. I hope the ten of you who have yet to respond only haven’t done so because you are trying to out do Jeremy. You will not. He is a Bixler champion for a reason.

Remember, final written responses are due by Feb 15. If you don’t remember if you’ve tweeted/texted/emailed/posted your response already, you should probably assume you haven’t. The Kendallville Open IS too proud to beg. Don’t think you won’t be immediately replaced by someone from the Waitlist. Anyone who hasn’t responded by 2/15 is out, meaning Trey and Dre can finally exhale. If everyone replies affirmative and we have to go to the Wheel of Death, we’ll live stream it Antonio Brown style on Feb 18. And shortly thereafter find a time for the tKOXI team selection show party.

PS – Big Ups to everyone who showed interest in the tKOXI IPOs. Thanks to you we were able to secure transportation over to Glendarin Hills again this year. Hopefully no one pukes in the vans this time, because they probably won’t take our business if that happens two years in a row. Still working on the finalized total, but if there’s a need for a second round of fundraising, I’ll be sure to let everyone know.

Investors wanted!

There’s still a ton of RSVPs out in the wild, so if you haven’t gotten back to me yet, please do so ASAP. The final date is Feb 15th, but I’d love to get this nailed down sooner rather than later, so I have time to mentally prepare myself to absolutely destroy either Dre or Trey’s dreams. It kills me a little bit every time I have to tell someone they can’t welcome the joy of the Kendallville Open into their lives.

While we haven’t finalized the entry fee quite yet, we’re looking to keep it in the same ballpark as last year. There might be the slightest of increases as Pete is still in the process of putting together our scholarship fund (some very exciting news on that front will be coming soon!).

With all that said, I’d love to extend this once in a lifetime investment opportunity!

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Seeing how I was unable to book a charter bus with like 6 companies, that weekend is apparently in high demanding, so I’d like to lock down the vans we used last year again as soon as possible. Unfortunately, you have to pay the full price up front with these guys, probably doesn’t help when we throw up all over their vans. They actually included the following little note when I contacted them this year:

Just an FYI, we had to pay for cleaning of the van because one of the passengers got sick last time so if that would happen again, we will charge a $100 cleaning fee.

Not sure what that’s all about…. MIKE.

Anyway, here’s the deal. Is anyone interested in paying their tKO entry fee (or a portion of their entry fee) now, as opposed to May? If there’s a drastic change in price (there won’t be), we can settle up after I know what the final entry fee actually is. Look at it this way, pay for it now, then maybe your wife will forget you paid for it and then you can buy a new driver with that money in May?! Asian James, did I just pique your interest? If it did, let me know.

Oh hello there…

Stop hanging out with your family and watch this immediately…

RSVPs due by Feb 15th. Dre and Trey are patiently awaiting your response.

Close calls…

Just a quick update to the last post.

It seems that only one of you guys thought you’d test fate and see how close to tKOXI you could get your wife pregnant.

View More: http://lovekatephotography.pass.us/smithbabyannouncement

If you are like  me and can’t tell the difference between children, these are Ian’s kids. And number four (FOUR?!?!?!) is due on May 5th. Two weeks before tKOXI. While Ian’s tKO trophy case leaves a little to be desired, if this isn’t the definition of clutch, than I don’t know what is. He’s already claiming there won’t be any conflicts with next year’s tournament. I’m not exactly sure how he’s going to pull that off, but at this point, Ian has reached Shane status, in that I’ll believe anything he tells me. Anyway, Ian and his wife have a registry set up here. Be a pal and get him something nice.

In a little tKO behind the scenes, we almost lost Nathan for the next two years due to a potential move to Japan. However, that appears to have been put on hold for now at least and our reigning champion says will be back to defend. To be honest, I don’t even know if have the Kendallville Open if Nathan isn’t here. It was hard enough for us to carry on last year without Danny.

I also made my annual plea to the Board to expand. I was shot down as expected, however they opened the door for possible expansion in 2018. At this rate, we’ll get to my dream of 64 plus 4 play in games by 2036. Not sure how I feel about that, but at least you’re saying there’s a chance.

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What does all this mean? Unless someone drops out, Dre and Trey are due for an incredible live broadcast of having their dreams of competing in tKOXI crushed, so all is not lost.

 

Shanah Tovah…

As both Greg and Robinson pointed out, I somehow managed to let the turning of the tKO calendar pass without acknowledging it with a post. October 1st marks the official date when Robinson and I have to stop basking in the glory of yet another successful tKO and start moving on to next year’s event. Like Sisyphus, the Board is tasked with endlessly rolling the tKO boulder up Mount Kendallville, only to start over once we’ve reached the peak.

But before we close this chapter, it’s important to reflect on the year. Our 10th year brought moments that will go down in tKO history:

  • Yet another successful expansion, now 28 deep. Rookies accounting for one Final Four appearance, one Flight Champion and one puke-soaked back seat.
  • Nathan completed his first three-peat. Does he have another three in the bag?
  • A new Bixler champ was crowned in the most dominate final round performance of the modern tKO era, flashes of Tiger at Pebble in 2000.
  • The new-and-improved team championship lead to the greatest comeback since the Cavs came back from 3-1 down in the NBA finals. Roll With The Winners indeed.
  • We launched the first-ever tKO Fall Swing. Asian James continued the run of Asian dominance by winning the Match Play, while Ben capped off a summer of incredible play by taking home the net title.

As much as I’d like to spend the next few months looking back on my championship reign, we must solider forth. Another boulder, another peak to summit.

The application window for tKOXI is open until December 1st. At the time of publication, the wait list already has six people on it, not to mention the logjam for the 28th spot between Andre and Trey if everyone can attend. As is the case every year, I’ll make the case to the Board to expand yet again but I can make no promises.

I’ve already requested our dates for next year’s event, so go ahead and block out May 18th through 21st. I’m not exactly sure how pregnancy or math work, but anyone who managed to knock someone up in August (with a May due date) should know by now, so I’m really hoping I don’t get any of those uncomfortable emails anytime soon. I’ve also put in a quote with bus company, instead of having multiple vans, who I’m not sure would welcome our business again this year. Shout out to Cahill.

Since the official new year of planning for tKOXI has begun, go ahead and send your suggestions my way. And yes, I’ve already thought of doing alternate shot. It won’t work. I’m planning on working it into the practice round (our experimental preseason) this year. But as always, I’m all ears for your ideas.

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Lastly, and for those of you who weren’t able to attend this year, the Fall Swing was a massive success. Something we hope to do on an annual basis, given the numbers, timing and pricing work. If you are interested in hosting a Fall Swing, get in line, because the next few are already in the works. The 2017 Fall Swing is tentatively planned for Nevada, hosted by Tall James, with Bandon, Colorado and Hawaii also in the rota for now. Just something to keep in mind.

I know the posts have been few and far between recently, but I promise to ramp them up soon. As we all know, Winter is almost here. Plus, I really don’t think I’ve rubbed my title in enough of your faces.

Happy New tKO Year, gents.

9 months…

Okay jerk offs (pun intended), we are a little over exactly 9 months away from tKOXI, let’s try not to do anything stupid here in the next few weeks. Done are the days when we’d bounce around the date for tKO because some of you couldn’t keep it in your pants. Just think of how disappointed little Sally and Billy will be when you have to miss their birthday every year for the rest of your life, so you could go get wasted with your buddies in Kendallville. And yes, we have a date. May 19th and 20th, 2017. Go ahead, put it on the calendar and tell whoever makes the important decisions in your household that you’ll be predisposed.

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In other news, congrats to Mark C., Keith, and Nathan on bringing home the Murphy Invitational title this year. Mark C. took a cool 5 year hiatus and stepped right back into the winners circle. Nathan’s reign of dominance rolls on, as he’s won the last 2 Murphy Invitationals and 3 RDGCs. Unbelievable. But perhaps the most incredible achievement was Keith’s chip in for eagle on #15 that pretty much wrapped up the victory. He’s also the first man to hold both the DFL and Murphy Invitational MVP (aka the Danny Slam) since 2013. Congrats boys. And congrats to Austin, as the Murphy Invitational turned 11 years old. The Murph will always be the Open Championship to the Kendallville Open’s Masters. Respect.

Lastly, in what was the most pathetic and unsuccessful sales pitch I’ve ever seen, Ben failed to get everyone at the Murph to download another score app, one that supported Droid phones (whatever those are). However it appears that Golf Gamebook has plans to release a Droid app, so sign up here to get an email whenever it launches.

I should be picking the updated RDGC and Bixler trophy plaques in the next few weeks, so if anyone is interested in making a happy hour out of the presentation, let me know. I hope Nathan brings his family, aka the First Family of Kendallville.

That’s all for now, boys. Remember to wrap it up.

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