Not exactly sure why the comments have slowed down on Mike’s MS Paint posts, but you guys are really hurting his feelings. The least you could do is make fun of that fucking duck he drew on #7. We’ll get back to those on Monday, but for now, we have some more huge news from Pete!
Peep the masthead. That’s right! Another “official” sponsor! No big deal, just a little nationwide chain that’s traded on the New York Stock Exchange! Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Applebee’s as the official food and beverage provider for the Kendallville Open. Through stringent, around-the- clock negotiations and a deep understanding of our guiding principles and value prop, Applebee’s felt they’d be remiss in not harnessing the energy and world-wide acclaim that is the tKO and begged to host a happy hour in our honor.With this news, I am pleased to announce the first ever Champion’s Dinner, to be held at Applebee’s on Thursday night. Hosted by the Champion’s Club (members: Robinson, White James, Nathan, Marty, Jeremy, Chris, Austin, myself), apps will be provided as well as a VIP velvet roped off section of the restaurant. Being keen negotiators and having already generously donated a stipend towards our bill, we must fulfill an obligation as well by providing a framed picture and TKO flag so that the walls of this fine dining hall will no longer be limited to old stop signs, a picture of Miss Kendallville topless or the official letter from KIA commemorating Cahill’s KIA hitting 750,000 miles.
This is us!
Please read the email correspondence between Pete and my new favorite person on earth, Michelle, the general manager of Applebee’s:
Our friends at Applebee’s-
I received your email from Michelle Bloom and I thank you in advance for your consideration. My name is Pete (last name redacted) and I am reaching out as VP of Community Outreach & Sponsorships on behalf of The Kendallville Open – a prestigious, invitation only golf tournament held annually for the last 11 years in beautiful Kendallville, IN.
As our field grows (this year we hope to eclipse 40 golfers from all over the United States including Hawaii) as does our ability to make a positive impact on the community that has been such a gracious host to us. Realizing this, we have begun to identify causes that align with our mission to be recipients of a gracious donation at tournaments end. Last year for our 10th anniversary, we selected a charity spearheaded by Mayor Handshoe who had taken leave as she bravely battled cancer to recognize her leadership in the area. Her office even came out and read us a proclamation!
[CHAIRMAN’S NOTE: I’ve removed a large portion of this email, as to not spoil next week’s post that highlights tKO’s new community outreach initiative. I’ll post the redacted language next week.]
With our participants and sponsors growing, we recently secured an exclusive equipment sponsorship from Dunlop Golf, we have worked with the Best Western across the street from your unit to serve as the official residence for golfers while participating. As we are slaves to tradition, this ALWAYS includes the entire field stopping for dinner and beverage at your restaurant. My reason for reaching out is to see if you would be interested in sponsoring or donating anything on behalf of our event?
We would be happy to include your logo on the official tournament site and designate Applebee’s as the official partner in nourishment for the tournament in addition to providing a framed picture of the tournament field to hang in your restaurant.
Possibilities for donation include:
– Gift Cards
– A Polo
– Money towards motor-coach transportation to get participants home to Applebee’s safely from Glendarin Hills (we rent a bus)
– Mudslides for each participant
I have copied the tournament chair if you have any questions and thank you for your time.
(Paraphrased) [We are honored for the consideration and would relish the opportunity to become engaged with this event. I reached out to Garry Applebee, no introduction needed, and while he wanted to be here personally for the negotiations, he was stern in that he absolutely MUST have exclusivity as food and beverage partner based on lessons he’s learned from other high-profile sponsorships with the NFL and Olympic committee. If possible we’d love to host the field at out restaurant for a happy hour if you’d do us the honor. Also, and wanting to get the most reach out of our investment, we will REQUIRE a framed picture of the field and pin flag if possible so that unit #1467 will continue to be synonymous with excellence by association. God bless you and god bless the Kendallville Open.]
And what did Pete do after locking down this enormous sponsorship? Did he kick up his feet and admire his accomplishments? HE DID NOT. He got right back on the horn and started grinding away on another deal. More news on that corporate partner once the ink on the contract dries.
PETE ALWAYS BE CLOSING.
Pete closes so much, our masthead is going to look like a fucking nascar before it’s all said and done. I’m even in the process of adding a sponsorship and community outreach page, which we’ll delve deeper into next Friday. Pete is just closing deals at such an enormous rate; I’ve had to adjust our press release schedule to keep up.
I’m officially 100% rooting for Pete to win the Bixler this year, and I will happily abuse my power as commissioner to put in him in every position to help make this happen. Even though it would mean slipping that beauty blazer over the shoulders of yet another Buckeye, nothing would make me happier than handing over my crown to him. (Unless, I’m in contention for a repeat on the second nine on Saturday, in which I’ll break his kneecaps.)