Noble Hawk #11 & #12

Before we jump into today’s hole previews, just a little bit of self promotion. On Monday morning, I got off this fire tweet:

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Less than 24 hours later, what happens?

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While this means we are at least a blip on Applebee’s radar and they could be putting together a cease and desist, I’m planning on DM-ing them relentlessly over the next two months(?!?!?!). The $100 in Applebee’s gift cards arrived last week, but we’re not stopping there. The goal is mudslides for life.

I’ll be sure to keep everyone up to date on this mission…

Noble Hawk #11 – Par 3 – 175 yards – Handicap #12

tKO Average: 4.58 (+1.58, 6th hardest for tko participants)

NH 11.png

No hole all weekend depends on the greenskeepers attitude that morning more than this one. We’ve played it all the way up before, playing wedge and relatively straightforward. And we’ve played it all the way back, forcing long irons/hybrids and bringing the gulch that runs in front of the green into play. Long and left are completely dead. Short, right leaves an awkward pitch off a tight lie and if the pin is back left, there’s still a very real possibility that your chip will also be dead on arrival.

The best approach for this hole is to fire an absolute laser dead at the pin, like I (Yosh) did last year, en route to my second Closest To The Pin award. Make sure you don’t make the birdie putt though, I’d never advise doing that.

Noble Hawk #12 – Par 4 – 419 yards – Handicap #4

tKO Average: 5.37 (+1.37, 11th hardest for tko participants)

NH 12.png

Dogleg right with a nice little reprieve off the tee, especially after the last 3 tee shots. If you have the distance off the tee (Shout out to Asian James, 240 Boyz 4 Lyfe!), even if you blast it way right, you can clear all the trouble and still have a realistic shot at the green. Hit it left and you’re likely OK too, though you’ve just made the hole quite a bit longer.  Another two tiered green makes your approach into the green paramount. You’ll want to capitalize here, because things get spicy over the next couple holes.

The waste area between #12 and #13 ends up being a bit of a meeting area for guys who can’t hit either fairway. Shocker, this is basically the entire field. Kind of a nice time to catch up with your competitors and see how everyone’s feeling. You can usually catch at least one guy shot gunning beers already, after 12 holes. Last year, it was Cahill.

Noble Hawk #9 & #10

Noble Hawk #9 – Par 4 – 411 yards – Handicap #1

tKO Average: 6.19 (+2.19, 1st hardest for tko participants)

NH 9

While I’ll make an argument that #13 is tougher, this is the number one handicap and the highest tKO average over par at Noble Hawk. The water is just close enough that a great drive can get wet, but you’ll need every inch off the tee, because the second shot is all carry. And don’t go left either, cause you’ll have a blind shot over the mounds while dodging balls in the middle of the driving range.

There’s a little bail out area short and left, but it’s so heavily covered in goose shit, that it’s essentially a lost ball. Bunkers and mounds surrounding the green keep wayward shot from careening into the woods and/or clubhouse. Just an absolutely brutal way to end the first nine of the tournament.

It was on the #9 green during the tKOX practice round when Cahill pronounced his tournament chances officially dead. If my memory serves me correctly, he birdied 9 and torched the front side with something in the 30s. I ran into him getting a dog and beer when he said “I’m fucked, no way I can do this again when it counts.” Truer words have never been spoken. He followed up his practice round 78 (or something) with a 93 in tournament play, en route to a T-21 finish.

Noble Hawk #10 – Par 4 – 374 yards – Handicap #14

tKO Average: 5.90 (+1.90, 3rd hardest for tko participants)

NH 10

The back nine opens up with a hard dogleg left with a narrow chute and forced carry off the tee, so make sure you’ve fully digested that hot dog before teeing off. Once (if) you’ve reached the landing area, your work is not done. You should have a relatively short approach, but the green is nestled back in the woods, a common theme on the back nine. On the green in two?  Easy two putt, you say?  Not a chance.  This hole has three distinct areas separated by a Mercedes-Benz-logo-like ridge, meaning basically all putts are downhill.  Fuck this hole, easily one of my least favorite of the entire weekend.

While I didn’t see it with my own eyes, I have it on numerous accounts that either Jeremy and/or Tall James hit a drive so far right that it ended up on that random triangular piece of sod in the parking lot. Can we get some kind of confirmation in the comments below? Someone must have photographic evidence of this.

P.A.B.C.

Not exactly sure why the comments have slowed down on Mike’s MS Paint posts, but you guys are really hurting his feelings. The least you could do is make fun of that fucking duck he drew on #7. We’ll get back to those on Monday, but for now, we have some more huge news from Pete!

Peep the masthead. That’s right! Another “official” sponsor! No big deal, just a little nationwide chain that’s traded on the New York Stock Exchange! Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Applebee’s as the official food and beverage provider for the Kendallville Open. Through stringent, around-the- clock negotiations and a deep understanding of our guiding principles and value prop, Applebee’s felt they’d be remiss in not harnessing the energy and world-wide acclaim that is the tKO and begged to host a happy hour in our honor.With this news, I am pleased to announce the first ever Champion’s Dinner, to be held at Applebee’s on Thursday night. Hosted by the Champion’s Club (members: Robinson, White James, Nathan, Marty, Jeremy, Chris, Austin, myself), apps will be provided as well as a VIP velvet roped off section of the restaurant. Being keen negotiators and having already generously donated a stipend towards our bill, we must fulfill an obligation as well by providing a framed picture and TKO flag so that the walls of this fine dining hall will no longer be limited to old stop signs, a picture of Miss Kendallville topless or the official letter from KIA commemorating Cahill’s KIA hitting 750,000 miles.

This is us!

Please read the email correspondence between Pete and my new favorite person on earth, Michelle, the general manager of Applebee’s:

Pete:

Our friends at Applebee’s-

 I received your email from Michelle Bloom and I thank you in advance for your consideration.  My name is Pete (last name redacted) and I am reaching out as VP of Community Outreach & Sponsorships on behalf of The Kendallville Open – a prestigious, invitation only golf tournament held annually for the last 11 years in beautiful Kendallville, IN.

 As our field grows (this year we hope to eclipse 40 golfers from all over the United States including Hawaii) as does our ability to make a positive impact on the community that has been such a gracious host to us.  Realizing this, we have begun to identify causes that align with our mission to be recipients of a gracious donation at tournaments end.  Last year for our 10th anniversary, we selected a charity spearheaded by Mayor Handshoe who had taken leave as she bravely battled cancer to recognize her leadership in the area.  Her office even came out and read us a proclamation!

 [CHAIRMAN’S NOTE: I’ve removed a large portion of this email, as to not spoil next week’s post that highlights tKO’s new community outreach initiative. I’ll post the redacted language next week.]

 With our participants and sponsors growing, we recently secured an exclusive equipment sponsorship from Dunlop Golf, we have worked with the Best Western across the street from your unit to serve as the official residence for golfers while participating.  As we are slaves to tradition, this ALWAYS includes the entire field stopping for dinner and beverage at your restaurant.  My reason for reaching out is to see if you would be interested in sponsoring or donating anything on behalf of our event?

 We would be happy to include your logo on the official tournament site and designate Applebee’s as the official partner in nourishment for the tournament in addition to providing a framed picture of the tournament field to hang in your restaurant.  

 Possibilities for donation include:

– Gift Cards

– A Polo

– Money towards motor-coach transportation to get participants home to Applebee’s safely from Glendarin Hills (we rent a bus)

– Mudslides for each participant

  I have copied the tournament chair if you have any questions and thank you for your time.

 

Michelle:

Pete,

(Paraphrased) [We are honored for the consideration and would relish the opportunity to become engaged with this event. I reached out to Garry Applebee, no introduction needed, and while he wanted to be here personally for the negotiations, he was stern in that he absolutely MUST have exclusivity as food and beverage partner based on lessons he’s learned from other high-profile sponsorships with the NFL and Olympic committee. If possible we’d love to host the field at out restaurant for a happy hour if you’d do us the honor. Also, and wanting to get the most reach out of our investment, we will REQUIRE a framed picture of the field and pin flag if possible so that unit #1467 will continue to be synonymous with excellence by association. God bless you and god bless the Kendallville Open.]

And what did Pete do after locking down this enormous sponsorship? Did he kick up his feet and admire his accomplishments? HE DID NOT. He got right back on the horn and started grinding away on another deal. More news on that corporate partner once the ink on the contract dries.

P.A.B.C.

PETE ALWAYS BE CLOSING.

Pete closes so much, our masthead is going to look like a fucking nascar before it’s all said and done. I’m even in the process of adding a sponsorship and community outreach page, which we’ll delve deeper into next Friday. Pete is just closing deals at such an enormous rate; I’ve had to adjust our press release schedule to keep up.

I’m officially 100% rooting for Pete to win the Bixler this year, and I will happily abuse my power as commissioner to put in him in every position to help make this happen. Even though it would mean slipping that beauty blazer over the shoulders of yet another Buckeye, nothing would make me happier than handing over my crown to him. (Unless, I’m in contention for a repeat on the second nine on Saturday, in which I’ll break his kneecaps.)

Noble Hawk #7 & #8

Noble Hawk #7 – Par 4 – 319 yards – Handicap #13

tKO Average: 5.37 (+1.37, 10th hardest for tko participants)

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Oh look, a short par 4.  What does Rory McIlroy do in these situations? Driver, all day long. To the green, of course.  What do you do in these situations?  Driver.  Duck hooked into the pond.  Speaking of ducks, we’ve probably been responsible for the deaths of more than one duck sitting in this pond, minding their own business.  Killing unsuspecting wildlife, it’s what we do best!
I’ve played this course 10 times and I’ve yet to see a driver on this hole really play to any advantage.  The green is elevated which leaves you an awkward uphill chip to the surface if you do manage to not snipe any birds on your drive.  Safe bet is a mid iron to get you to 125 yds out in the fairway and then test your cart mate to a skills challenge closest to the flag. Ramping up the in-match tension is always good for scores!  

Noble Hawk #8 – Par 3 – 157 yards – Handicap #15

tKO Average: 3.98 (+.98, 18th hardest for tko participants)

NH 8

Not a dangerous hole by any means.  There’s actual fairway for about 50 yds leading up to the green, so even a fat chunk leaves you with a relatively easy 2nd shot pitch.  There’s plenty of bailout area to the right, not so much left as high grass and the bunker will eat up any leaky draws.  While I believe Brendan picked up his first of many (don’t know how many, but if you ask him, I’m sure he’ll tell you) (note from Chairman: It was 3. NBD). CTPs on this hole at tKOX, I’ve managed to bogey this hole without a GIR for 5 straight rounds.  Consistency!!  Anything worse than a bogey will have you giving major strokes to the field, so don’t F this one up. Seriously, this is statistically the easiest hole of the entire tournament and the only hole we collectively average better than a bogey on. Jesus, that’s pathetic.

Man, Pasquali didn’t even post a video with tips how to play this hole. Not sure if that helps or hurts us, but I’m still pissed. How am I going to completely my boxset?!

 

Noble Hawk #5 & #6

Noble Hawk #5 – Par 4 – 401 yards – Handicap #5

tKO Average: 5.42 (+1.42, 9th hardest for tko participants)
NH 5
The first of back to back monster par 4s that can end your chances at a Blazer if you aren’t careful. There’s a little bit of a forced carry off the tee, the bunker on the left is in play, and miss it too far right and that enormous fucking tree pictured will block out any chance you have at getting on in regulation. No joke, that tree is fucking huge, yet it somehow does a shit job of protecting people from getting peppered with errant shots from the 6th tee. That tree is fucking worthless. I hate it.
#5 doesn’t get a whole lot easier when you get to the green. Three massive tiers place distance control at an absolute premium on your approach. Not on the same tier as the pin, go head and give yourself a 3 putt. Two tiers away? Fuck, you are going to be here a while.

Noble Hawk #6 – Par 4 – 418 yards – Handicap #7

tKO Average: 5.77 (+1.77, 5th hardest for tko participants)
NH 6

Please take a moment to appreciate the detailed fence on the left. A regular Thomas fuckin’ Kinkead over here! While that tree just left of the tee box looks out of the way, it’s definitely in play, especially for us power faders of the golf ball. #6 is traditionally home to the first Long Drive challenge of the tournament, which is why most people are playing their second shot from the 5th fairway (turns out ‘grip it and rip it’ ain’t that great of swing advice).

Another hole with a very serious green complex. The greenskeeper has gotten away from putting the pin on the front of the green, where the entire green funnels to. He’s a real asshole for this.

If you can make it through holes 4, 5 and 6 relatively unscathed, you might have a chance to make some real noise in round 1.

They turned off the embedding here, Noble Hawk might be on to us…
Noble Hawk #7 & #8 coming Wednesday….

We are officially Big Time.

Before I jump to our big news, we’re going to go back to Jefferson Tap for the team draft this year. So Friday, April 7th, around 6PM we’ll fire up the live stream and pick the teams. Roll With The Winners and their hats will be back to defend their title, so we’ll just be picking 6 teams. Judging from the FairwayFiles posts, it looks like people are starting to get out and knock some of the dust off their game. The handicaps used to determine the pools (remember one player per pool for each team) won’t finalize until that Friday, it looks like there could be some fluidity between the pools, specifically with some guys scrapping it out to get out of the trash heap. So block off that Friday evening for a couple hours and either plan on making it over to Jefferson Tap or watching the live stream for 5 hours. Hopefully that will spill into some late night plans where half the group will tell me they could do a better job of running the tournament than I do. Never forget.

Judging from the response to the first four holes, I’m sure you guys are on the edge of your seat waiting for the next MS Paint masterpiece to drop, but trust me, this is much, much bigger news.

First, let’s all take a moment to congratulate Pete on his promotion from VP of Social Outreach to VP of Social Outreach AND SPONSORSHIP! In 3 short years, Pete has skyrocketed up the corporate ladder from mere rookie to beating down the door of the Board. While there will be more to come next week on the extremely hard work Pete has done with some of the Kendallville Open’s philanthropic efforts, right now I’d like to highlight what he’s done to earn his new title.

Hopefully you noticed our new masthead. If not, take another look.

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ENHANCE.

Dunlop-logo

This is call the “Flying D”. I’m serious, I looked it up.

That’s right, we have an official sponsor for the Kendallville Open, now presented by our good friends at Dunlop Golf!

Why Dunlop you ask? Because as hyper-elite golfers, like Lee Westwood, Shane Lowry, and Darren Clarke, we can only endorse the most hyper-elite equipment. With the golf endorsement industry in flux, right now players are more free than ever before to choose their equipment based on performance and no contracts. That’s exactly why we chose Dunlop Golf over the long list of suitors. Dunlop Golf is the future of golf in Kendallville, Indiana.

What will this sponsorship bring to tKO? For starters they are providing some golf balls and a golf bag, which will be used similar to the Yellow Jersey at the Tour De France. Whomever is leading the tournament going into that round will receive the Dunlop bag that may or may not be filled with ice cold beer. Pete’s request was actually responded to by an employee of Dunlop (IT’S TRUE, I’VE SEEN THE EMAIL), who made a vague reference to seeing what else she can send along. It could be anything! Maybe Lee Westwood himself! As Michael Jordan would say “the ceiling is the roof”!

I know one of you guys are going to hit the comments with a #wellactually they aren’t really sponsors just because they gave us some stuff laying around the office, but you know what? Kick rocks, this is awesome. I won’t let you disrespect Pete’s hard work like that.

Now is there anything else in the pipeline? Of course there is. In fact, while it’s still in the early stages, the ball is very much rolling on another HUGE, HUGE sponsor. I absolutely cannot wait to see how this plays out.

As far as Pete’s old role as the social outreach VP, we also have some very exciting news out of that branch that we’re hoping to lift the embargo on next week. It is no exaggeration to say that the difference we’re hoping to make in the community will shape not only the future of Kendallville, but perhaps even the Kendallville Open.

These are very exciting times for all of us involved with tKO, and we have Pete to thank for that.

Noble Hawk #3 & #4

Chairman’s Note: Ben did some deep internet diving on the dark web and found the instructional videos for each hole that used to be on their website. While Mike Pasquali looks like Noble Hawk’s pro, he’s not wearing a Bixler Blazer, so I’m not sure why you’d take his advice over mine (or Robinson’s to a lesser extent). Anyway, I’ll start including his videos in these posts as well.

Noble Hawk #3 – Par 4 – 381 yards – Handicap #9

tKO Average: 5.53 (+1.53, 7th hardest for tko participants)
#3 is really the last hole you’ll see before Noble Hawk starts to bare its teeth. Trouble on the left will force you to try and play it safe down the right side. While Robinson’s depiction doesn’t really show it, this will leave you with must longer approach into the green. Whatever you do, do not miss this green long. A steep drop off and thick brush makes it an absolute graveyard. You’ll need to capitalize here, because it’s about it get real.
Note to Danny: While it’s a waste area down the left side of the fairway, and not a bunker, it is not encouraged to drive your cart directly into it. I know you have a long history with carts and bunkers.

Noble Hawk #4 – Par 5 – 540 yards – Handicap #3

tKO Average: 6.31 (+1.31, 12th hardest for tko participants)

Are you man enough to pull driver out here? Are you also man enough to take your drop because you just blasted your ball into the cow pasture that’s on the other side of the trees on the right? And don’t forget about that pond on the left either.  It may look out of play in this drawing but it is very much in play (DRAWINGS NOT TO SCALE!). We’ve all seen more than a few hooked tee shots as you’re trying to muster up that extra juice for a 235 yd drive. You might think you have a baby arm swinging between your legs and that you can reach this green in two mighty lashes. Trust me, you cannot. Even if you nut your drive, you’re looking at a 200+ yard shot into a completely hidden green with a pond on the left, that Robinson conveniently forgot to include here.

Want to win a championship like your boy? Take your medicine, hit three 7 irons and hope to get out of there with a bogey. Over the course of the tournament, you’ll have plenty of chances to flex your muscles. This is not one of them.

Noble Hawk #5 & #6 coming Monday….

Your Official tKO Strategy Guide…

Before I jump into the hole breakdowns, we’ll do the teams draft on Friday, April 7th, live streamed (of course). We haven’t picked a location yet, but we’ll either shoot for something near Union Station or close to that stop off Armitage for you suburbanites. Expect a more detailed post in a couple weeks, just wanted to get something on your calendars for now.

I mentioned it briefly on Friday’s post, but I’m sure you guys were so focused on sizing up Eddie that you might have missed the other big news. Starting today and over the next 54 (business) days, Mike and I will be breaking down every hole of the tournament. I must reiterate that this is being done strictly from memory, which is extremely impressive when you see the detail of Mike’s MS Paint hole renditions. Our goal is for this to become a living, breathing document, where you can add your own thoughts, memories, and course management suggestions in the comment section. This means you assholes would have to actually go to the site, instead of just reading the emails. GIVE ME MY CLICKS.

Now on to your strategy guide.

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Round 1 – Noble Hawk – Par 71 – tKO Field Average: 97.6

Once the home of the championship round, Noble Hawk was moved to the opening venue for tKOIX when we changed to the two day format. While most of Noble Hawk’s most memorable moments came when it was played on Sunday, perhaps its most significant was at tKOX when the Kendallville Open was presented with an official proclamation from the city of Kendallville for what our tournament has brung to the community over the last decade.
With the lowest score to par of all three courses (+26.6 – ugh), Noble Hawk is your opportunity to post a score and set the tone for the weekend, which is exactly what Austin did during his tKOIX Bixler title run. His 86 at Noble Hawk gave Austin enough of a buffer to win the blazer, despite limping to the finish line. This is also the site of Asian James annual low round, because fatigue sets in after lunch and ruins his chances.
On to the hole by hole breakdowns… (Again, I cannot overstate this enough, every review is being done strictly from memory. Some images may not be to scale.)

Noble Hawk #1 – Par 4 – 391 yards – Handicap #11

tKO Average: 5.09 (+1.09, 17th hardest for tko participants)
NH 1

The first step in your journey towards immortality. The tournament starts out with a friendly little dogleg right. The big hitters (shout out to Ian) can drive the cart path leaving an easy chip (which he will chunk) as the approach shot. The shorter hitters will need a short to mid iron on their second shot, assuming their drive did not end up in someone’s yard a million yards right of the fairway.  

Those beautifully drawn moguls (editor’s note: any comment praising the artistic brilliance of the hole drawings is likely Robinson’s) on either side of the fairway may seem benign in print but with lush grass covering them, they’re ripe to swallow an errant opening tee shot or two, drowning your championship efforts before they’ve even begun.

Up until tKOIX, Noble Hawk was home to the final round of the tournament, with #1 being the site of the one and only playoff hole in tKO (non-Scramble) History. Here Robinson secured his fourth RDGC Cup when Rich missed a shorty that would have forced a second playoff hole. I’m pretty sure we can blame that entirely on his caddy Keith, who was so hungover, he barely made it from the tee to the green alive.

Noble Hawk #2 – Par 3 – 165 yards – Handicap #17

tKO Average: 4.15 (+1.15, 15th hardest for tko participants)

NH 2

Even when playing into the wind, the water really shouldn’t come into play here for your average golfer, which is to say 95% of the field is absolutely terrified standing over this tee shot. As I’m sure you can see from Robinson’s incredibly detailed illustration here, this is actually a double green, shared with #16. I’ve never actually seen someone pull their tee shot so badly that they are putting from the “other” green, but that’s not to say it hasn’t happened. If you’ve been witness to this at tKO, please provide a detailed breakdown in the comments.

The first ever Kendallville Open, back in 2008, a torrential downpour moved in and our event was cut short here. We didn’t see the rest of the course until we returned that fall. Little did we know the majesty that would reveal itself.
Noble Hawk #3 & #4 coming Wednesday….

2017 tKO Rookie Class…

In all the drama surrounding Dre’s entry into this year’s field, a little bit lost in the fray was the official acceptance of Bryce’s boy Eddie. Judging by the pictures Bryce provided and his email address, I’m going out on a limb in saying that we’re adding another Asian to the field. Assuming he’s full blooded, that brings us up to a total of 4 3/4 Asians (depending on your stance on Danny’s Asian-ness). And if the pools stay just about what they are now, we could even have an all Asian team, thanks to Asian James recently moving into the top 7. Groundbreaking stuff! While that team would probably suck and I’d hope to not be the (1/4) Asian selected from the LPGA pool, it’s groundbreaking all the same.

eddie_intro

When the Chairman asked me to jot down some thoughts regarding Eddie’s acceptance into The 5th Major, I was honored and immediately started searching for a ghostwriter.  When we relocated to CO a few years ago, I initially golfed solo because many wouldn’t accept my 8-9 waggles per swing, but Eddie welcomed my differences with open arms.  Because Eddie embraces diversity on and off the course and doesn’t discriminate against three digit rounds.
 
Growing up in Orange County, CA, yup the OC, he once was 2nd to only Toby Gerhart in rushing yards in the state.  Impressive, but only if he can meet his full potential at tKO, unlike poor Toby’s NFL career.   After hanging up his football cleats, he decided to pursue architecture at USC (our field finally expands to the PAC 12) – coast-to-coast just like that horrible BIG 10 commercial.  We met through grad school at CU-Boulder, where he advanced his real estate development career, while I was put on academic probation.  When Eddie isn’t on the golf course, he’s impersonating Bruno Mars, snowboarding as the Care Bears, taking in Coachella, or visiting family in Taiwan.  With all this tKO family in Asia, I propose the first international Fall Swing in Thailand/Taiwan.  Welcome Fast Eddie!
~ Bryce (Eddie’s sponsor)
Chairman’s Notes:  Not sure how I feel about someone moving in on my “looking vaguely like Bruno Mars” block, but I’ll allow it. However I’m very excited to have a real estate expert on staff, as the wheels on tKO INC.’s Glendarin Hills development are already turning. Eddie, by taking Trey’s spot (only in the field, not our hearts (we love you, Trey)), you have some pretty big shoes to fill. I’ll let Cahill fill you in on the details of that job. I’m not sure if all that football talk was in fact true, but take it from a one time hyper elite athlete (I CrossFit, bro) to another, none of that will help you here. In Kendallville, the only muscles that will bring you glory are the heart, mind and soul (and liver) (I don’t know if any of those are actually  muscles). So with that said, welcome aboard, Eddie!
In other news, we are officially 54 work days away from tKOXI, the exact number of holes we play at the Kendallville Open. And as past champions, Robinson and I only see it fit that we give you a little peek into how a true champion attacks each hole. So starting on Monday, you guys can expect a hole by hole breakdown of each course, using only our memory and MS Paint as a guide. If you aren’t familiar with Robinson’s MS Paint masterstrokes, perhaps these will jog your memory:

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Your welcome, in advance.

The Grieving Process

I don’t know if Dre hit all 5 steps, but join me for this journey through the human psyche.

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Ball is pulled. Dre’s initial reaction is perfect. Look at that face. It appears he has skipped directly past the “Denial/Isolation” step in the grieving process and proceeded directly to Anger.

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Trey, who was in on the joke, played the perfect foil. Look at that smug asshole. Immediately after his ball is pulled, Trey has some god awful Katie Perry song queued up, it was perfect.

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Dre’s initial reaction is “YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME” (step 1 – Denial), however it looks like he’s at least enjoying the music.  This would be the Bargaining step.

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Nope, never mind. He hates the music. I think the loss is starting to set in here. And… we’re back at the Anger stage. Come on, Dre. Help me help you, man!

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Trey is eating it up. He wanted me to make Dre wait even longer, but I didn’t have the heart. I mean, look at Dre’s face as Trey lifts the chair over his head. Probably best Trey isn’t going to be at tKOXI, because it’s at this moment when Dre begins to plot how he’s going to murder Trey. Seriously, zoom in on Dre’s face.

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Trey, you signed your death warrant right here..

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Step 4 – Depression. This is the face of a broken man.

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Baby? Dre’s face when I say that the fulfillment that supposedly comes from parenthood might help him get through this is classic. I’m pretty sure at this moment Dre has no idea that he even has a child.

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Aaaannd the wife heard that baby part and now he’s tries to act like a good parent. YOU AIN’T FOOLIN’ NO ONE, DRE.

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Enter Kevin. Dre looks a little too calm for someone to be busting into his place. Pretty sure he had a gun under the table. Kevin’s lucky to be in the field for tKOXI.

Low key, the best part of Kevin’s ambush was that he purposely dressed like Ashton Kutcher from Punk’d. This video really does a great job of showing Dre’s rollercoaster of emotions. I wanted tears (either happy or sad) from Dre and I can’t say for certain, but I think we came pretty close.

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Have you ever seen a more genuine smile? I’m not joking when I say I don’t think I have. Maybe the only time someone has ever been this happy is …greg

Anyway.

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Again, huge shout out to Trey for playing along. He does a pretty good job of smiling here, but you can see the devastation in his eyes. We’ll miss you and your titty tees, Trey. You seriously should drive up on Saturday just to party.

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This is when Kevin says that Dre’s wife and buddy are in on the joke. I know that face. I’ve made it when my wife tells my in-laws that we’d be happy to go to Iowa for something. WE WILL BE DISCUSSING THIS LATER, SWEETHEART.

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There is it. The Money Shot.  Dre can say this is just a bad visual and my screengrab caught him in between faces, but we all know the truth. It’s touching. Own it, Dre. But if you start crying, I’ll start crying, so compose yourself! YOU’RE A MAN.

Kevin tried to explain to Dre how it all went down, but Dre has no time for it. You can see him wrestling between relief, joy, and a seething rage that was moments from boiling over into a murdering spree.

The entire adventure was an absolute tour de force.  Hopefully you guys enjoyed it as much as I did.

Are 12 week countdowns a thing? If so, it starts today.

 

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