Ryde Or Die Cup II

I know you all are anticipating on baited breath to find out the format of this year’s Ryde or Die Cup and with only six weeks left, your agonizing wait is finally over. Leaked reports of a Team Bixler vs Team RDGC match up are in fact true, pitting Jeremy W. against Mike R. in tKOCHO.



Team will be selected in a few weeks, giving each captain a little more time to attend pro days, comb through Wonderlic scores, and generally assess their potential picks. Everything is based on your handicap, so the more recent scores on Fairway Files, the more informed pick Jeremy and Mike R. will be able to make.

Round One – Friday afternoon, Cobblestone

The format of this round is exactly the same of last year. Jeremy and Mike R. will each pick two players from their roster to square off against two players from the other in team match play event. These teams will be released via live video broadcast on The Kendallville Open website the week of the tournament. Strokes will be given based off combined handicaps, for example, last year Mike R. and I had to give Danny and Keith roughly 90 strokes and still won 10 & 8. Each match will be worth 4 points towards their team’s total, matches that end in a tie will split the 4 points. And remember, as with all rounds, each player must count their own strokes all the way through the round even if the match has been closed out, as individual scores are needed for the overall Bixler and RDGC scoreboards.

Round Two – Saturday morning, Glendarin Hills

Two players from each team will be selected at random to play with two from the other. This selection will be made on Friday evening around the Best Western pool after dinner at Applebee’s. This round will be a handicap weighted round between the four players in each foursome. The lowest handicap weighted score in the foursome with get 5 points for their team, second will get 3 points, third one point, and last zero points, because you suck.

Round Three – Saturday afternoon, Glendarin Hills

THE SCRAMBLE. Here is the biggest change in the format. While the Board hopes that everyone will end up shirtless and wrestling on the 18th tee box by the end of the scramble in a drunken rage, we’ve decided to switch things up a little bit in order to put a little more emphasis on the RDGC v Bixler Challenge. Gone is the traditional scramble draft on Friday night, so everyone whose goal is to avoid joining Danny and Keith as scramble captains can rest easy. Three scramble foursomes will be constructed out of each of the rosters at Jeremy and Mike R.’s discretion. The teams will be announced on Friday night, but not before players are given ample opportunity to provide some insight to the captains on who they feel most comfortable playing (blacking out) with. For every stroke each scramble foursome finishes over par, one point will be deducted from their teams total. For every stoke under par, one point added.

Each team’s points for all three rounds will be totaled on Saturday evening at the Glendarin Hill’s patio, assuming I am not too drunk to count this year, and the 12 members of the winning team will be awarded, assuming I don’t spill the beans and blab about how awesome this year’s prizes are. Look for the teams to be announced in the next few weeks.

Lastly, if you haven’t already, please respond to the invitation as soon as possible either in the comments below or emailing me. We’ll need to confirm the field before teams are picked, so if I don’t hear from you by April 30th I’ll assume you are out this year and open your spot up to the Wait List. Not to name any names, but one of you is in danger of a negative tKO score, meaning you’ll forever be behind everyone on the Wait List, so get back to me ASAP … BROOKS.



It’s with an extremely heavy heart I must announce that after a brutal injury this spring and a valiant attempt at rehabilitation, tKO Legend Shane C. will not be able to attend this year’s event. Things briefly looked optimistic as his recovery seemed to be accelerating at a breakneck pace, even garnering attention from fitness model Body By Simone:

AJ tweet

But alas, it was too grave an injury to overcome. There are no words that I could muster up to memorialize Shane appropriately, so instead I’ll share with you the same heartbreaking news I received last night.


I’ve been procrastinating on this for some time.  This has been one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make; I honestly spent less time deciding to move to DC.  I knew from February 17th at 10pm ET that my participation in this year’s Kendallville Open would be a long shot.  Similar to how I’ve approached life, I went at my recovery without a doubt that I would be stepping up to the first tee at Cobblestone dressed all in white ready to participate in our legendary annual tradition. 

The reality is I need to focus on the greater good.  What’s better for all involved is to decline my invitation to the 2014 Kendallville Open.  Realistically, at 2pm on Friday May 30th I will only have been walking under my own power for a couple weeks.  As I mentioned earlier this year, I would not take away from the integrity of the tournament by participating if I could not realistically compete nor would I take a spot away from someone who has done everything we’ve asked to be given an opportunity.  With that being said, I asked Peter K. Levine to keep his calendar clear a few weeks ago should he still be considered as the top waitlist candidate. 

Lastly, I mean no disrespect to The Kendallville Open Board by writing this via email.  I debated recording a press conference, a formal letter delivered via certified mail, or some other outside the box method of communication.   However, with 52 days left until tee off the last thing I want to do is to draw attention from what really matters.  The preparation and build up for The Kendallville Open VIII.  I would much rather fade quietly into the night.   

You have both been wonderful in supporting my rehab efforts and you have my sincere appreciation.   I look forward to our reunion for The Kendallville Open IX.  As always, I continue to be in service of the Kendallville Open and its friends.  Please use me as you see fit. 

Respectfully yours,

Shane C.

Always the gentlemen, God bless you, Shane. :(

However, as the saying goes, when (the golf) God(s) closes a door, He opens a window. So with that said, I’d like to welcome Peter L. to the OCHO!


Expect a formal introduction sometime after this weekend, when he returns from the FUCKING MASTERS.

PS. Fuck Pete for that.

Happy Danny Day!!!

It’s been a while since the last post, so I just wanted to drop a line to make sure the Ocho is still fresh on everyone’s mind. Word out of DC is that Shane is ahead of schedule on his recovery. #Pray4Shane works, you guys. And it looks like spring might have finally reached the Midwest, so hopefully we’ll get some more scores up on Fairway File. Remember, you’ll need 5 scores posted for an acceptable handicap. I’M TALKING TO YOU CHRIS. Marty, get your boy in check.

Lastly, big shout out to DFL Danny for making it 31 today. It really is a miracle.


Look for official invites coming soon.

It takes a village…


It appears that a living tKO legend had his first brush with mortality Monday evening and did not escape unscathed. A ruptured Achilles suffered during a co-ed recreational volleyball game has left Shane at best questionable for the OCHO.

First of all, Shane: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? Let this be a lesson to all of you. I’m pretty sure that everyone invited to tKOCHO is over 30 years old. That means, and listen closely here, GIVE YOUR DREAMS THE FUCK UP. None of us will ever accomplish even anything remotely athletic again, so please do no try. You will only end up like Shane.

Okay, now that that’s off my chest, we can move on to more important things, like Shane’s recovery. According to his timeline, tKOCHO falls right in the middle of his two months of physical therapy. Or should I say a normal human being’s PT. But Shane is primed for an Adrian Peterson-esque recovery and I have total faith that he’ll be ready for the first tee at Cobblestone on May 30th, 2014.

But he won’t be able to do it alone, that’s why I added the Chareonchump Tracker (over there <—-). Against Jeremy's best wishes, I decided it was slightly too racist to go with the "Yellow Mamba Watch". Hashtag all your motivational tweets for Shane with #Pray4Shane and they'll pop up in the Chareonchump Tracker, hopefully no famous Shane's get in any car accidents anytime soon.

Shane, we all expect daily updates on your rehabilitation. Especially Pete. He's definitely watching.

Greg. Greg. GREG.

While the party bus I mentioned in the previous post received an overwhelming amount of support, especially from the Anonymouses, I have some bad news. It looks like we won’t be able to do it. BECAUSE GREG IS A TRANSPORTATION GOD!!!!


I have no idea how he did it, but somehow Greg was able to find a second charter bus company in the greater Northeast Indiana area. AND FOR HALF THE COST. I would post our entire email correspondence, but I know the Anonymouses are busy so I’ll just include the highlights:

I was just talking with a few co-workers about it to see if they thought it was a scam.  They seem legit.  I guess the only thing we have to worry about is the fuel surcharge, but gas prices should stay low for the year.  Oh and worrying about them actually picking us up. I feel like they are going to be really cool on the way there, then on the way home, they are going to stop the bus in a field and rob us of our clubs and money.

I even googled their location to see if there were buses there:


So this is going to run about $30/person, and again it’s only for Saturday’s transportation. I just went ahead and reserved it, but if you have an issue with this added cost, no problem, it’s not mandatory. We’ll just split the total evenly across however many people opt for the ride.

Not only did Greg just save everyone $30 (which we should all use to get Greg ‘Greg Drunk’ during the scramble), he also made perhaps the greatest tKO suggestion since Mike R. twisted my arm into doing the scramble five years ago. Check it.

We should have everyone sign a ball, except the 6 scramble captains.  Take all the balls and throw them into the deep end of the pool.  Have a countdown so that all the captains have to jump into the pool at the same time and pick their scramble team.   I can see Danny punching people underwater or a few of the guys not being able to hold their breath long enough to get a ball. It would be quick and hilarious…for those of us that aren’t captains. I don’t know if they should all go in at once or each dives down separately.  The first way is more fun, but the second way is more humiliating, which seems more up our alley.

If Greg isn’t the top pick in the Wilson v Robinson draft for locker room chemistry alone, then we’ll know that we’re dealing with a Browns fan and Lions fan here.

Cash Money …

So now that the field for the OCHO is set, it’s time we get down to some of the financials.

As always, the tournament will include one round Friday afternoon at Cobblestone, two rounds Saturday at Glendarin Hills (one of which being the scramble) and one round Sunday morning at Noblehawk. This will cost $273.20, due at the hotel, and will include all your golf, carts, hotel rooms on Friday/Saturday night (2 per room), and the “deluxe breakfast” at the Best Western.

There will also be the option of coming in for the practice round on Thursday. This year we’ll be playing Cobblestone on Thursday, so adding that round plus the extra night in the hotel, your total will be $359.80. Just a reminder, both the Bixler and RDGC champs took advantage of the practice round last year. Don’t like fact that some of us will be getting an early look the round one course? Cry me a river. The practice round is open to everyone, so join us. There’s even a Friday morning pancake breakfast at that weird breakfast/Mexican restaurant next to Taco Bell. Also, remember that the Monday before the OCHO is Memorial Day, so just go ahead and take the whole week off of work. You can’t be too ready for tKO.

Due to a mass exodus out of Chicago to the burbs/Cleveland/Denver in the last year, we are most likely going to have to switch things up this year when it comes to transportation. I don’t want to step on Transportation Director Greg P’s toes here, but I’m guessing there won’t be an official tKO van coming from the city for the OCHO. So in hopes of avoiding 6-7 cars on the road, finding 6-7 designated drivers, and all 24 guys getting to the course on time on Saturday morning, I’m looking into the possibility of a chartered bus for the round trip. We are also planning on shotgun starting both the morning and afternoon rounds, in order to minimize waiting around time and maximize patio time. It doesn’t have to, but likely will include shot gunning beers. You are probably as shocked to hear as I was, but transportation options in Northeast Indiana are surprisingly few. However, I was able to find something. It’s a 38 passenger bus, plenty of room for clubs and passed out Dannys.

In the past, the entry fee for The Kendallville Open has always been $40, which covers all the trophies, prizes and gifts. If we were to include the round trip cost of the bus rental, it would bring the entry fee up to a nice round $100. Since I am only the chairman and not tKO dictator (yet!), I want to make sure this price increase is cool with everyone before I book it. So please let me know ASAP. If I don’t hear anything back by the end of the month, I’ll assume it’s all good with you and won’t put up with your lip when it’s time to fork up the loot. The $60 for the bus would just be for Saturday. We’d still be on our own for Friday and Sunday, but most people meet at the course on Friday and leave directly from it on Sunday. Also, those courses are right around the corner from the hotel.

The Field Is Set…

It hit above freezing temperatures here in Chicago for the first time this year, so obviously the first thing on all of our minds is The Ocho. And it looks like we’ll have to start with some bittersweet news. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to expand the field to 28 players this year. You guys just keep having goddamn kids! Two thirds of our Indianapolis contingent won’t be able to make the trip as fan favorite Curt’s wife is pregnant and Indy Mark has his hands full with three kids of his own. Mike C., don’t let them down with a repeat performance of last year! Unlike Greg and Jeremy, Curt must cherish is marriage and is choosing the safe route of staying home with either his very pregnant wife or newborn child this year. COWARD. Understandable, but still GUTLESS. I kid, I kid. Congrats to all our tKO guys with little bundles of joy on the way, your timing might not be great, but congratulations anyway. Indy Mark, we’re starting to think you don’t like us anymore. You made off with two Flight Championships, never to be seen again. Also sitting out this year is last year’s 3rd Flight Champion King George. It must have been that shot that Kevin, Ben, and Shane made him take. You will be missed, King. Bryce, you alone carry the family name now. Your father took home some hardware last year, do not let him down at the Ocho.

Despite all the loses this year, I’m still very excited to announce there will be some fresh blood at this year’s event. Ladies and gentlemen, you might recognize him from his work in the soul crushing tKOVII Selection Show, please welcome to the Ocho, Chris!


That’s him in the orange polo. We’ll put together a proper introduction for Chris when he actually starts putting some scores into Fairway Files!!!! Marty, tell your boy to get his shit together! This is only making you look bad!

The Wait List has been updated with everyone’s favorite Pete waiting for one more of you guys to slip up and drop out so he can take your spot. So if you know you aren’t making it, let me know ASAP.

Happy New Year…

The Year of the Ocho is finally upon us, I hope all of your New Year’s resolutions was to not win the DFL. I’m happy to announce that all of you came to your senses and graciously approved The Contingency Plan to be put into effect this year, so tKOCHO will be May 30th through June 1st. Go ahead and request that entire week off to get your reps in(just a heads up, Monday May 26th is Memorial Day).

The only thing left to determine is whether or not we’ll be expanding to 28 participants this year. SO MANY KIDS. I’m going to have to start going Chinese governmental child regulation on you guys pretty soon. A handful of tKO-ers have already let me know that they won’t be able to attend to the Ocho. If you know you won’t be able to make it this year, please let me know as soon as possible, so those on the Wait List can be notified. This is just your save the date, expect official invitations once the 2014 field has been finalized.

Last thing, Marty and Ian start dance crew immediately please. Thank you.


I just had to put up a follow up post highlighting some of the responses I’ve received so far.

1. Check on the last post and read Ian’s comment. I don’t know if I can make that comment a post of its own without having to pay extra to make this an adults only blog. But that’s the greatest comment in the history of the internet. IRS Shorts still has it.

2. Asian James, a WAGs are Wives And Girlfriends. I’m assuming your baby’s mama is one of those two.

3. Email from Marty:

My only argument is against the confidentiality clause.  I feel that tKO wives (not girlfriends, due to their non-contractual status) should be legally subjected to the same good-natured ridicule that their Y-chromosomed, rhythm method-ignoring life partners would receive if this information were made public.  Transparency is all I ask.  Since I’m forced to guess, here’s my Top 5 Suspects:

  • FNG Mark (the “F” would be taken literally)
  • IRS Shorts (from that one day in the last 6 months he wasn’t at the country club)
  • Pretty Keith (September birthday + night away from the kid + 5 or 6 bottles of scotch)
  • Social Media Director Jeremy (September birthday + what else is there to do in Palatine?)
  • Mile High Bryce (tired of the job hunt, changing his name to Mr. Mom)
Heading out like a fetus,
Bixler I

Chairman’s note: MARTY IS A GOD.

Email me your responses to the Contingency Plan.


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