Nothing to see here folks, move along….

Gentlemen,

A week from today, ONE FUCKING WEEK, our arrival onto Kendallville will begin.

Everything I can possibly control has been arranged and confirmed five times over. That only leaves two things in the hands of chance. 1. The weather. Jesus, the weather. As of Thursday afternoon, Friday looks dry and Saturday looks wet, according to Weather.com. However on Accuweather.com, conditions for golf on Friday are very good and excellent on Saturday. According to something called Weather Underground, we’re good on Friday, but Saturday during the scramble things good get dicey. And the National Weather Service only goes 7 days out, because THANKS OBAMA.

The other thing out of my control is our pace of play. Unfortunately, the course managements won’t let me ride around on a Mad Max style golf cart and crack you all with a whip to make sure you are keeping up with the group in front of you. I asked. But with 24 players playing 36 holes a day, I can’t stress enough how important it is that we play as fast as possible. So just like I post every year, here are some guidelines I’d love for you guys to stick to in hopes of keeping me from full on stroking out on the golf course.

  • PLAY READY FUCKING GOLF. PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLAY READY GOLF. I don’t care if you just stole the tee box from the guy who just made a birdie, because he’s texting his wife about it. Tee up and go. I don’t care if who is closer, if you are ready, hit. Say it with me “READY GOLF”.
  • Take it easy on the practice swings, Sergio. If you are one of those miserable people who needs to take five practice swings, do that shit while everyone else is hitting. When it’s your turn, fire away. Also, standing over the ball for two minutes visualizing the shot is a waste of your time. NONE OF THIS WILL WORK FOR YOU. It’s way too late for you to think practice swings and positive thinking will help you. Same goes for reading your putts from both sides. None of us are good enough for that to actually matter. Just take a look at that shit from behind your ball, stand over it and miss the putt already. Just remember, every moment you waste practicing golf shots is a moment you lose drinking actual, real life beers.
  • We are all men, so there is no excuse for any of us to not know how to drive efficiently. Well, there are a handful of Asians, but Wally and I are fake Asians and Asian James drives an Acura and has obviously been highly influenced by the Fast and Furious series, so we’re not worried about him. And Danny’s not allowed to drive the cart, ever. So with those caveats, we should be good. Here’s how to use the carts efficiently: you both hit your shots, you then drop the passenger off at his ball with his club of choice and then proceed to your ball. You can swing back and pick him up after you’ve hit, he might even be smart enough to start walking towards his next shot while he’s waiting. It’s not that hard, people. Please do not park the cart next to the first guy’s ball, then watch him hit, and then give him a ride to your ball, just so he can watch you hit. We all can walk, even Danny with his skinny leg. EFFICIENCY, PEOPLE!
  • Play everything like a hazard. I don’t feel like explaining the difference between white stakes and red stakes to you. So if you hit your shot out of bounds, drop it on the line that it went in and take a penalty. On the holes with water hazards, keep an eye out for drop zones, specifically #4 at Cobblestone and #15 at Noble Hawk. Rinse one in the pond? Take your drop in the drop zone. We ain’t got time for all that!
  • Speaking of lost balls, treat it like an ex-girlfriend. LET THAT SHIT GO, BRUH! She gone. She doesn’t love you anymore. Don’t go chasing after her like some kind of fuck boy. Your shit tee shot is in the trees? Take a peek and proceed to move on. We spend way too much time looking for our balls. PUNS!!! In the same notion, keep an eye on your own fucking ball. Don’t ask me if I saw where it came down. Because I’m just going to say “Here it is! Crazy, it was in your bag the whole time! Now take your penalty stoke. I have beers to drink.”
  • Sorry boys, gone are the days of the first tee mulligan. And no, that doesn’t mean you get to save it and use it whenever you want. Since we’re shotgun starting each round, it wouldn’t be fair for people to have two tee shots on different holes. Plus mulligans are for spineless assholes, like people who root for their conference.

  • Technology is awesome. I know that, I would rather die than be without my phone. Shit, I’ve spent the last two months trying to talk you guys into downloading this scoring app! But outside of entering your score on GolfGamebook after each hole, let’s just to keep the fucking with our mobiles to a minimum. Your app gives you the exact yardage to the pin, plus the prevailing wind direction and speed? Great. It won’t help you. Phone are allowed out only to enter in scores, crank up the tunes, and take Instagram videos of us shotgunning beers of unicorn faces during the scramble. PS – Download that app and add me as a friend!

Alright, I know every hates me know, because you think I wrote a diatribe about how hopeless you are at golf and it sounds like I only care about playing fast, regardless of if you are having fun or not. You can hate me then, because both of those statements are 100% factual. We have a limited number of sunlit hours to squeeze in as much golf as humanly possible, so pretty please, with a cherry on top, PLAY FASTER.

10 Day Forecast…

We’ve officially reached my least favorite day of the year, 10 days out of tKO when all I can do is stare at the 10 day forecast for Kendallville, Indiana and try not to have a heart attack. Really going to enjoy the next week and a half.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for paying, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous about putting $10G down to cover this thing, but I should have know you guys would never let me down. So outside of the weather, everything is ready to go for next weekend. NEXT. FUCKING. WEEKEND.

I have no idea if the ride situation in and out of Fort Wayne has been worked out, but as far as the Chicago heads go, we’re in good shape. The six of us playing the practice round should be finishing up right around you guys are starting to get to town. If any of you want to tool around on the range, we’ll be at Noble Hawk, otherwise we’ll meet up at the hotel and/or whatever shit bar we can find. Unfortunately, the one we went to last year is no longer open. Shocking revelation there.

Speaking of the hotel, here are the rooming assignments. Feel free change these shits however you want, just make sure you check in as such. Based on my experience booking this year, you really don’t want to throw any curve balls at these folks.

Brendan Y & Wally Y
Mike C & James H
Ben L & Lloyd D
Marty M & Danny D
Nathan M & Mark S
Chris A & Pete L
James T & Kevin R
James U & Ian S
Mark C & Mathew H
Greg P & Jeremy W
Shane C & Austin M
Rich B & Keith R
Just a reminder, handicaps are locked in based on your Fairway Files index on Monday evening, May 25th. So if you are squeezing in a few rounds to get that last respectable score out and push you handicap up, make sure you remember to enter in your scores by Monday night. The Oddsmaker (Mike C.) needs a few days to set the lines to make sure the smart money doesn’t come in too early and takes advantage of those soft lines.
Oh yeah, still looking for a few good men who want to avoid their families and get another round in on Sunday morning. Let me know something by this weekend so I can set something up for them.
Alright men, it’s time to get down to business.
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tKONN presents…

Oh, were you hoping to do something productive today? Too bad. You’ll watch this video 100 times and accomplish nothing else. It’s been far too long since the last tKONN production, but it takes eons for a piece of coal to become a diamond. Masterpiece theater, y’all!

Jesus, I love you tKONN.

It’s not too late for you guys to submit your Oscar worthy productions, however it’s going to be hard for you to crack the ballot with both this and Bryce’s film already released.

I’m not sure anyone is going to read this far down, but if you are, a couple things:

  • The full amount for tKO hits my credit card this Friday, so if you haven’t paid, please do so ASAP. Mostly everyone has paid, so thanks for that.  Remember, Shane is my muscle, don’t make him pull them things out.
  • Because Asian James is a full on animal, he wants to know if anyone is interested in playing a round with him and Ian on Sunday. Once I get an idea how many guys want to play, I’ll see what times and which course is available. 5 rounds in 3 days just wasn’t enough for AJ and Ian, gotta get that 6th round in. ASIAN JAMES IS A LEGEND.

Alright guys, we’re two weeks out. Only four more days until I can start obsessively refreshing the ten day forecast for Kendallville. Just a reminder, handicaps are locked in on Memorial Day, so make sure you have all your rounds in Fairway Files by then. And download that goddamn app and add me as a friend. And NO, I WILL NOT DOWNLOAD IT AND ADD YOU ON THURSDAY NIGHT AT THE HOTEL, MARTY.

Dedication…

Listen, I’m not proud to admit this, but when Bryce told me he wasn’t going to be able to attend this year’s tournament, a very small part of me thought “maybe we’ve seen the last of Bryce in Kendallville?” Maybe tKO is just too much stress? If you’ve ever seen Bryce during a fantasy draft, you know stress management isn’t one of his stronger points. Maybe tKO was just too much for him? We all know it’s impossible to get Bryce to commit to anything. Since he’s never brought home any hardware for actual golf play, was the loss of his Best Mother Fucking Dressed title the straw the broke the camel’s back? Little did we know…

(Warning: This shit is Game of Thrones level graphic, so maybe don’t watching this while eating.)

Bryce is a goddamn legend. I’m dedicating my Bixler run to you this year, B. I love you.

Gentlemen, we are officially inside of a month to the Kendallville Open IX. Play time is over.

Exemptions

After the unprecedented championship runs by rookie Chris and sophomore Nathan last year, the board was forced to take a closer look at the Kendallville Open’s exemption qualifications. And due to the every growing popularity of the event, we’ve decided that starting with tKOIX, Bixler and RDGC champions will no longer receive a life time exemption, but instead will only be exempt for 5 years.

Past champions will always be welcomed back to Kendallville for ceremonial first shots, like this:

Or this:

IMG_2336

But unfortunately, with the potential field growing more and more every year, we just can’t hold your spot forever because you were the blind squirrel that found a nut that one year.  However, that 5 year exemption should give you enough tKO points to secure your spot in the field for the long haul.

Speaking of tKO points, I just want to remind everyone that due to the clusterfuck that was scheduling this year, Bryce, Curt, and Mike R. won’t be hit with negative points for missing tKOIX. However, Curt, you better make sure you make it to tKOX, because some of those young bloods are creeping up on you.

So congrats to Mike R., White James, Nathan, Marty, Jeremy, and Chris. You were the last to receive the golden ticket.

Unrelated: disregard any of those alerts on your phone you might have received about me making birdies today. I was definitely at work (not working) and not at the golf course. We were just doing a test run of the app. And trust me, it’s fucking incredible. So if you haven’t already, download the app and add me as a friend. Also, if you have paid me, I’m definitely still accepting payments in every form possible. Don’t make me put Shane out on you.

Oh yeah…. FIVE WEEKS LEFT.

Scramble Scoring

So maybe I didn’t plan things out that well and put way too much emphasis on the scramble score with 5 points per stroke. But our self-proclaimed Brain Father straightened things out. As he correctly argued, the scramble is a time for warm Tangueray shots, not golf shots. I took this issue the competition committee, and they struck gold, so shout out to Shane and Mike C., or as Greg pointed out, the Only Mike.

Here’s how scoring for scramble is going to work. Instead of every stroke over/under par being worth 5 points toward your team’s total, the captains will choose point values of 3, 2, or 1 for the opposing foursomes. Each foursome must have a different point value.

For example, team Bixler is down huge, which will almost certainly be the case, and needs to make up points big time going into the scramble. Chris notices that Greg, Jeremy, Lloyd, and Nathan are all already three sheets and have no chance of putting together a respect scramble score. So Chris assigns them the 3 pointer, and prays they shot a +5, or as I like to call it, The Robinson Special. Obviously, Chris will assign my foursome the 1 point per stroke value, so we’re most definitely going -10, leaving the last foursome to play for 2 points per stroke.

Crystal clear? I thought so.

Also, last year’s scoring app went down, so we’re trying a new one this year. Pete, Chris, Ben and I took it out for a test drive last weekend AND IT’S INCREDIBLE. So do me a favor, download this shit. You’ll have to make an account and add me as a Friend on there. You can enter in your handicap from Fairway Files if you want, but you don’t have to. A week before tKOIX I’ll go in and lock everyone’s handicaps in anyway. Seriously, this app is amazing, there’s a smack board so we can send dick pics to each other. And it keeps both the Bixler and RDGC scoreboards so I can’t screw it up with my non-existent Asian math skillz.

Golf Gamebook (iPhone)

Golf Gamebook (Android)

One more thing, there’s actually some kind of league at Cobblestone on Thursday, so the practice round will be at Noblehawk this year. We’re shooting for a 3PM tee time, in case anyone wants to meet us out there.

Alright, we’re officially 6 weeks out. I have no idea how I’m going to handle this.

Draft recap…

Holy shit, that all happened fast.

When we originally set up the draft party idea, I just assumed we’d pick the teams and maybe do the second round random drawings. However, things escalated quickly. Before I knew it, we knocked out both teams and pairings for rounds one and two, plus the scramble groups. Great hustle out of you guys! I’m not going to break down the draft pick by pick, just know that I was the 8th overall pick and if I get paired up with anyone that was picked over me, I will tomahawk a club into your cart, Drunken Ben style.

Without a doubt, the highlights of draft night were Chris looking at Nathan looking to his newly drafted teammates for advice and saying he preferred a Bellicheckian style of leadership. And Nathan having absolutely no idea what Twitter was and asking Jeremy if his tweets would show up on the notepad app on his smart phone. Definitely two different cultures bumping heads here.

The rest of the draft was a huge success, except for when 50% of Team Bixler told me to my face that they could pull of tKO without me. YOU WILL RUE THE DAY.  But here’s the important stuff. Teams, listed in alphabetical order.

Team RDGC Team Bixler
Nathan (Captain) Chris (Captain)
Austin Ben
Brendan Danny
Greg Ian
James, Asian Kevin
Jeremy James, Tall
Keith James, White
Lloyd Mark S.
Mark C. Marty
Mat Pete
Mike C. Shane
Rich Wally

Round 1 Match Ups – Remember, these are handicap weighted, combined score match play rounds. Each match is worth six points towards their team total. Since handicaps aren’t locked in until the week before the tournament, I’ll figure out how many strokes going to whom (I think I used whom correctly there) then. But take a peak over at Fairway Files, if you want to start strategizing. Fairway Files is also extremely useful when trying to procure a Thai girlfriend, according to their banner ads.

Group 1 – Marty & Shane vs Nathan & Keith

Group 2 – Danny & Chris vs Greg & Mark C.

Group 3 – Kevin & Tall James vs Lloyd & Brendan

Group 4 – Pete & Mark S. vs Jeremy & Mike C.

Group 5 – Ben & Wally vs Austin & Asian James

Group 6 – Ian & White James vs Rich & Mat

Round 2 – Again, handicap weighted. Lowest net score is worth five points to their team’s total. Second lowest is worth three, third lowest is worth one, and last is worth zero.

Group 1 – Marty, Kevin, Nathan, Greg

Group 2 – Ian, Tall James, Mat, Asian James

Group 3 – Chris, Wally, Lloyd, Brendan

Group 4 – Ben, Mark S., Austin, Keith

Group 5 – White James, Shane, Mike C., Rich

Group 6 – Danny, Pete, Mark C., Jeremy

Scramble – Each stroke over or under par is worth five points towards your team’s total

Bixler Group 1 Bixler Group 2 Bixler Group 3
Chris Kevin Ben
Marty Danny Ian
Shane White James Tall James
Pete Mark S. Wally
RDGC Group 1 RDGC Group 2 RDGC Group 3
Greg Mike C. Rich
Lloyd Brendan Keith
Nathan Mat Asian James
Jeremy Mark C. Austin

So keep pumping in those fairway files scores (shout out to my 97!), we’re only six weeks away from the start of tKO Week.

Draft Party and Practice Round…

First things first, the official tKO draft party is this Friday at Fairways in Chicago. So be there or I hate you.

Next up, thanks to everyone that’s already paid me. Trust that I’m putting that money to good use. I’ve already received the Flight Champion pint glasses. I’d put a picture up of one, but I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of curse on touching a glass that you haven’t yet won. So if anyone else feels like being a decent guy and wants to pay me now, check out the last post to see all the ways I’ll happily accept your money.

Lastly, if you are interested in playing in this year’s practice round, let me know by Friday. I’ll probably set it up for around 2:30PM on Thursday, May 28th. You can probably just show up and play, but do that at your own risk. I’m not sure when the Indiana Amish Open is this year, so don’t blame me if you can’t get on.

Alright folks, happy ALT+Tab-ing between generic spreadsheets and The Masters for the next two days!

Trying this again.

In order to keep the headaches to a minimum, I’m just going to front the bill for everyone (and collect points on my credit card).  Seriously, this shit has been beyond frustrating, and I think it’ll just be easiest this way. Also, Shane has already volunteered to be my debt collector, so I ain’t worry ’bout nuthin.

So here’s the deal, everyone is going to pay me $427.73, that is $352.73 for you hotel/golf/lunches plus $75.00 for your entry fee. Your entry fee covers all the prizes, trophies, your bus fare for Saturday, and gifts I can squeeze under the budget. Basically, the only expenses not covered will be your booze, Applebees, and Taco Bell. Seriously, if you guys want a breakdown dollar for dollar of what that $75 is going towards, let me know and I’ll post it. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m siphoning money out of the tKO account, which I totally should be doing.

Even though my card won’t be charged for a while, I’d really appreciate it if all of you could pay as soon as possible, just so I don’t have to  have Shane chase you down and kill you. If you are my dad or someone equally ancient, you can also send me a check. Email me if you need my address. Joking, checks are actually preferred, unless you have Chase quick pay. You can use Chase quick pay or Pay Pal to pay, both linked to my Gmail account, but if you Pay Pal, please be sure to send the money as a gift or payment owed, so I don’t have to pay the service fee for each of you. If I need to sign up for some shit like Venmo, let me know. I’m about getting this money by any means possible.

Also, anyone who is interested in playing at Cobblestone on Thursday afternoon, you have until 4/10 to let me know. You’ll pay for that round (~$40) at the course, but I’ll still need to know how many tee times to get. Anyone who doesn’t respond to me via email/text/comments about the practice round by 4/10 will not have a tee time.

CHICAGO HEADS, just a reminder, the tKOIX draft party is next Friday (4/10) at Fairways at 5:30PM, because we are old losers. 

So in closing, send me $427.73 ASAP and let me know if you want in on the Thursday practice round by 4/10. I understand if you can’t do it now, but please, please, please do it before 5/15. Or you’re gonna see Big Worm.

Draft Party…

So we’re hitting pause on the whole payment situation until I can figure out how much the entry fee is going to be. This way you can just pay for everything at once and then all you’ll have to bring money for is booze, which will run you about …. all the money in the world. If you’ve already contacted the Kendallville people and provided your CC info, let me know and I’ll make sure that you aren’t charged and that all your information is sent to that prince in Nigeria that’s been emailing me. Hopefully I’ll have it figured out in the next week, so just stay tuned for that.

Anyway, much more exciting news coming up. And this is just for Chicago-land people, so all you assholes that moved away and left me here, you can eat one.

I’m talking about DRAFT PARTY!!!! We’re about to be like this, fam!

April 10th, 2015 – tKOIX Draft Party – Fairways Chicago

Why’s the draft so early? Because I’m working on big things. Nathan and Chris most likely won’t have a lot of recent rounds of out you guys to base their picks on, but who cares about actual on the course performance, tKO success is all about those good locker room guys. Also, this is the Friday of the Masters and we will be playing Augusta National on the simulator while shotgunning beers, unless they have Glendarin Hills loaded up. The location is actually Ben’s idea, so pair that with his idea to use that scoreboard app last year, and he’s almost worked off his debt for being a drunken idiot during the scramble.

So Chris and Nathan will draft their teams in private with me officiating, and then we’ll announce the teams to the masses. I’m looking for reactions like this out of you guys:

Or this:

So Chicago Suburbanites and/or dads, get that evening blocked off. We’ll probably do it around happy hour, assuming we can reserve it. Let me know if you’re in and we’ll book it.  And if at least one of you out-of-staters doesn’t fly in just for this, I will be extremely disappointed in you.

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