tKOX CANCELLED

You guys, I have some very bad news. tKOX is cancelled. Or at least the Kendallville Open as we know it is. Because Danny D. officially withdrew this week, due to a “friend’s” wedding. THAT’S NOT EVEN WEDDING SEASON, BRO! Where’s your etiquette? Danny, you are friends with f’ing savages. The whole point of pre-Memorial Day tKO is to avoid this problem. You gotta cut this “friend” loose, Danny. R.I.P. This Guy. IMG_0778So assuming no one else bails (NO ONE ELSE BETTER BAIL), this brings Pete and Tall James back into the fold.  Since they’ve both attended two tKOs, their position on the wait list is based on their own merit, so no more piggy backing on your sponsor’s seniority. If we end up with just one spot for these two guys, TRIAL BY COMBAT!!! Or the ping pong balls. I’m going to vote for Trial By Combat, but I’ll at least take it to the board. So stay tuned you guys. Lastly, we might be 10 months out from the Kendallville Open X, but an event of this magnitude needs some room to breath. Obviously tKOX will take place in Kendallville, IN and will feature the same debauchery that we all know and love (TURNED UP TO LEVEL FUCKING 10), however, I’d like to propose something else. Something to commemorate a decade (ish) of Kendallville Opens. Mike C., we’ve earned this. Mike R., you haven’t, but you are still an OG by default. Oh what’s this? Just Bandon Fucking Dunes. Only the Golf Digest’s number one golf resort for the past fucking forever. No. Big. Deal. I’m thinking February 2017. Why am I bringing this up 19 months in advance? A number of reasons:

  1. So you don’t get anyone pregnant.
  2. Because this trip will not be cheap. Gonna need some time to slowly siphon that money from your better half and/or child’s college fund.
  3. It’s far as fuck. Organizing tKO in Kendallville is hard enough, this is going to be a massive undertaking.
  4. So you don’t get anyone pregnant.
  5. And lastly, so you don’t get anyone pregnant.

Since Bandon Dunes is kind of a once in a lifetime kind of deal, this won’t be a tKO exclusive trip. Do you have a friend/family member that would be interested and don’t like quite enough to invite them to the real tKO? Let them know. Unfortunately, this will be a pretty serious golf trip, no blacking out and swimming in the water hazards, so I know this won’t be for everyone. However, if it’s something you’d be interested in, let me know.

The Hardware Chapter 2…

Austin, Nate, and (to a much lesser extent) Shane weren’t the only guys bringing home trophies at tKOIX.  This year’s competitions for flight glasses and staying clear of Chris’s Trash Flight were more fierce than ever before. Shout out to these guys!

5th Flight Champ – Jeremy

tKOIX 246

Jeremy might be our most decorated tKO-er of all time, taking home his second flight glass this year, to go with the tKOVI Bixler Blazer. He somehow managed to fight off a late charge from none other than Danny (?!?!?!) to hold on, despite putting up 19 on #15. I guess Danny putting up a 16 on the same hole didn’t really help. Jesus, a 19?!?!? That’s just kind of setting in now. Jeremy, you might have to give that pint class up.

4th Flight Champ – Mat

tKOIX 231

BRUH, Mat beat the brakes off everyone in the fourth flight, dropping a 94 and cruising to a flight championship by 8 strokes. I believe that was Mat’s best round in tKO history by a whopping 6 strokes. However, that kind of makes me think he’s just been sandbagging for 3 years. 94 at Glendarin would’ve been good enough to win the tie for the second flight chip. I hope this means big things out of you next year, Mat.

3rd Flight Champ – Wally

tKOIX 224It wasn’t quite the cake walk that Mat had, but Wally’s winning margin of 7 strokes is still pretty damn impressive. Wally flies in every year from half way across the world for the Kendallville Open, and I’m happy to finally see him leave with something to show for his efforts. And good thing the scramble round was in the afternoon, but Ben, Ian, and Tall James basically killed him. Not cool guys, that’s my dad! Sike, get him wasted.

2nd Flight Champ – Asian James

tKOIX 227

I had a front row seat to this battle, and let me tell you, it was RIVETING. That car ride back to Michigan with AJ and Ian had to be awkward, because they were straight up rooting against each for the whole back nine. Ian refusing to help look for AJ’s ball, Asian James openly cheering when Ian’s shot ending up in the lake on #16. It all came down to the 18th hole, Ian was down one and after another thunderous drive and approach, he’d reach the green in two. Asian James, taking the Zach Johnson approach, had made it there in regulation, and was looking at a likely par. It was basically exactly like the 72nd hole at the US Open. Ian had one putt to win and two putts to tie. BOOM THREE PUTT.  Asian James might have completely fallen apart after a round 1 lead, but he held on here to win his second flight glass.

1st Flight  – Mike C.

tKOIX 238 tKOIX 236 tKOIX 235 tKOIX 234

Legend status achieved. Look at this man! That’s a man who’s suffered through nine years of unrequited tKO love. Can you believe that this is the first trophy Mike has ever taken home from Kendallville? Well technically he never took the flight glass home, I ended up picking it up the next day when I stopped by Glendarin Hills to make sure we weren’t banned for life. Semantics. Congrats, Mike. You earned it.

Championship Flight – Rich

RICH

Always the bride’s maid, Rich finally made it happen at tKOIX. While Saturday morning might have been a coronation for Nate, Rich was busy setting that course on fire. Not only did his 81 at Glendarin Hills win the Championship flight, it also set a tKO Glendarin Hills course record and nearly passed Austin for the Bixler Blazer as he stumbled to the finish line. Unfortunately, a bogey on 18 ended that dream, and while it wasn’t the Blazer, hopefully the pint glass cushioned his fall a little. But probably not.

I believe we started passing out flight champ glasses at tKOV, so if you won one before then, too bad. That’s some pre-merger Cleveland Browns shit, no one cares. We need to start bringing them to Glendarin Hills and drinking pints of Fireball out of them. In fact, that rule was just put into place. If you’ve ever won a flight glass, bring it to tKOX and drink a pint of Fireball out of it. And then die on the bus ride home. I’m not even taking that one to the Board, just because I know it would pass unanimously. So here’s an update on the race for the Dinner Party aka 4 flight glasses.

2 – Ian, Asian James, Greg, Jeremy, White James, Indy Mark (retired), Kevin, Nathan

1 – Brendan, Mike C., Shane, Austin, Mustang Mark, Rich, Curt, Mark S., Mat, Wally, King George (retired), Pete, Tall James

0 – Mike R., Brooks (retired), Marty, Keith, Ben, Bryce, Danny, Chris, Lloyd

Be careful out there, folks…

First of all I want to make one thing clear: I love Shane dearly. I think of him as one of my closest friends, not to mention a Toothbrush Party brother for life and all around inspiration. So it’s with the utmost respect that I say this: Do not pull a fucking Shane this off season.

Look, if a world case athlete like Shane can tumble all the way to DFL after an Achilles injury, what hell his going to happen to some scrawny bum like Rors? Forget about his chances at the British, he needs to worry about the rest of his career. And I’m not just talking about physically. Do you remember Shane’s attitude when he realized he was playing in the Trash Flight (Chris’s words, not mine) on Friday night? Complete and total devastation. Do you remember his face between rounds on Saturday when he’d sealed his fate and “won” DLF? Here, I’ll remind you…

tKOIX 151

Bro… Shane did not talk to anyone for like 2 hours. He just sat there on his phone, looking for earlier flights home. It was hard to watch. If I could figure out how to overlay music on this site, I would put that Sarah McLachlan song with the dead dogs on this post.

So guys, I’m just saying to be careful out there this summer. Maybe you can risk it, get hurt, and rehab yourself back to full strength in time for the B1G. But are you really willing to open yourself up to that? Look at Shane, god damn it. LOOK AT HIM.

tKOIX 214

 

And Shane, use this post as some motivation. I remember the Shane from tKOVI that won our flight. And the Shane from tKOVII that posted a career low 88 on Sunday when all the chips were on the line. You’re a Board member and a two time flight winner. Prove to all of us that that player isn’t gone forever.

Survive and Advance….

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Some time has passed and the emotional wounds are healed enough that I am finally ready to revisit the Kendallville Open IX. I say this every year, but far and away our best one yet. I can’t thank everyone enough for the roles they played in making tKOIX a resounding success. With us being down our vice-chairman this year, it was essential that everyone stepped up to the plate to help pull this thing off. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Despite life threatening storms, we somehow managed to play extra holes, and will hopefully still be allowed at each of the courses, the Best Western, and the Applebee’s next year!

Speaking of next year, mark your (ovulation) calendars now, because I don’t want to hear any excuses. The Tenth Kendallville Open will be begin on Friday, May 20th and conclude on Saturday, May 21st, in the year of our Lord 2016. There will be no exceptions made. Yes, we will be keeping the two day format. After hearing all of the cases for and against, the Board decided that there were just too many pros. Most of the cons came from people who either fell apart or next contended, claiming exhaustion. And to them, I say “kick rocks.” Not having to golf that Sunday was pure bliss. For those of you that are curious why we’re going back to the original date, we’re hoping the courses/hotel will be a little less crowded and the pre-peak season price break that comes before Memorial Day. We’ve obviously proved that Mother Nature is not the formidable foe we once feared, so no bitching about the threat of bad weather. Do yourself a favor and keep putting in those scores on FairwayFiles.com, especially the scores from this year’s tKO. Even if you are on the outside looking in at next year’s field, stay the course. You never know what we have planned for the X.

Official Photog Mat did an incredible job of capturing this year’s tournament. And just to keep everyone focused on next  May, I’ll slowly start leaking some of those picture out over the off-season with a series of posts. Starting now….

tKOIX 295

The Hardware (Chapter 1)


tKOIX 212Shane learned that there are repercussions for putting co-ed rec league volleyball ahead of this storied event. Do not test the golf gods, Shane. I hope you take this hard lesson learned and come back next year with a black soul seeking only redemption and vengeance.

tKOIX 250While the RDGC finish (for the second year in a row) was more of a coronation of King Nate than nail biter, it will never get old witnessing history.  After upsetting six RDGC champ Mike R. last year, Nathan hasn’t looked back. Are we in the midst of the next legendary run in Kendallville? One can’t help but think so.

tKOIX 274And what more can we say about the tKOIX Bixler Champion, Austin M.? Joining the tournament in the great expansion of tKOIV, where his total score of 301 was good enough for a T10 finish, he’s score has improved every year, culminating in this year’s 273, edging out Rich for his spot in tKO folklore. His is a story of perseverance.

Let this post be a lesson to all of you, work hard enough and your dreams can be realized. But take for granted this beautiful land we call Kendallville, Indiana, and she will break your heart. Keep shooting for the stars, boys. Until next time, this is your commissioner signing off.

#tKOIX Eve…

Just a few points I meant to add in the last Rulez post and forgot. Nothing all that new here, just want to make sure everyone knows what the fuck is going on.

  • When posting stuff to social media, use the #tKOIX hashtag, so in two weeks when I’m incredibly depressed, it’ll be easy to look back at my run Bixler championship glory.
  • With the exception of the Scramble round on Saturday afternoon, everyone is playing their own ball on every hole for every shot. Even if your team gets closed out during the match play event in round one, make sure you finish the round.
  • Play every fucking hole. If you are sucking and about to get a 15 on a hole, make sure you actually finish it out. The moment you pick up mid-hole and just say give me an 8 is the exact moment when you officially withdrawal from tKOIX and I hate you forever.
  • As always, we’re playing gimmies inside the leather. That means if you put your putter (RIP PUTTY) head in the hole and your ball is before where you grip starts, the putt is good. You still have to count that stroke, but we can just assume that we’d make it if we tried, which is an incorrect assumption, but whatever.
  • No breakfast balls, no mulligans, not even on the first hole.
  • Play that shit as it lies. No adjusting your ball so it has a good lie in the rough. No fucking foot wedges. None of that shit. Have some goddamn pride, will ya?
  • You are responsible for your own score. I’m quoting this from last year’s post, but it deserves repeating: It is also your responsibility to keep an eye on everyone in your group’s score. I know that no one we’d invite would be a big enough dick to actually shave strokes, but I’m certain we’ve invited some people who can’t fucking count. So you think so and so got an 8 on a hole, but he says he got a 7. Bring it up. If you need to bring it up every hole, do so. Hopefully he will learn how to count his own strokes. If it continues to be a problem, you can say something to me, but all I can do is say “everyone in your group thinks you are either retarded or a cheating asshole, get your shit together.” This weekend is all about a good time, so pretty please with a cherry on top respect the game, the tournament, and your fellow competitors.

Alright boys, that’s the last of it. Everyone travel safely into Mecca today. God bless you, every last one of you.

 

Last Minute Odds & Ends…

Alright boys, The Kendallville Open IX kicks off Friday morning, bright and early at 8AM. Remember the theme of the weekend boys, PACE OF PLAY. We’re shotgun starting and you all should know your cart/hole assignments. Hopefully we’re done with that round by 12:30, we regroup and can be over at Cobblestone by 1PM where lunch will be waiting. Then we’re turning around and teeing off for round 2 at 2PM. NO TIME TO DICK AROUND, BOYS. Don’t be afraid to tell your playing partners that you need to move along if you start dragging out there. He might think you are a dick for a few minutes, but everyone will think you are a dick when your group is the reason we miss our tee times at Cobblestone. So once you finish up at Noble Hawk, pack your shit up, including the scorecards, find whoever you rode there with and head over to Cobblestone immediately.

Only one person needs to keep score for each foursome using the app, so make sure someone in your foursome understands what’s going on. You might have to enter a code to join, if so, here they are:

Round 1 – 588461 (join), 678911 (spectate)

Round 2 – 815707 (join), 525482 (spectate)

Round 3 – 722077 (join), 342993 (spectate)

Scramble – 521823 (join), 680589 (spectate)

A handful of us are playing at Noblehawk at 2PM on Thursday, so if you want to meet up over there feel free. Otherwise, you can check into the Best Western under your own name. In case you forgot, here are the rooming assignments.

The weather looks a little sketchy, so pack your rain gear. We’re out there playing rain or shine.

Jeremy and Ben are using some newfangled thingmabob called Meerkat to live broadcast as much live action as possible until their phone batteries die. I have no idea how this thing works, because I’m a 32 year old married man with no reason to send dick pix out across the interweb, but if you want to check out some of that action, download the app? I guess? I don’t know.

That’s all I got. Hit ’em straight out there, just not as straight as me. Eat shit Team Bixler, TEAM RDGC FOREVER!!!

Let’s go fucking crazy, you guys.

tKO WEEK…

It’s here. It’s finally here. The Kendallville Open Week is upon us! Handicaps finalized yesterday, so we’re all set with the lines for this year’s match ups. CHECK IT.

Round 1 – Noblehawk – 8AM Shotgun Start – In this round, you and your teammate will play your own ball all the way through each hole. Which ever pairing has the lowest combined score wins the hole, and all the scorecards will be marked to indicate who is receiving strokes and when. Whoever wins the most holes will win 6 points for their respective team. I pray to God that everyone understands how this works by now, but if you don’t, find me on Thursday night and I’ll disappointingly explain it in further detail.

Match #1 – Tee #1A –

Ian & White James 

vs

Rich & Mat (+10)

 

Match #2 – Tee #1B –

Kevin & Tall James 

vs

Brendan & Lloyd (+1)

 

Match #3 – Tee #18 –

Ben & Wally 

vs

Asian James & Austin (+5)

 

Match #4 – Tee #17A –

Mark S. & Pete (+25)

vs

Jeremy & Mike C.

 

Match #5 – Tee #17B –

Shane & Marty 

vs

Keith & Nathan (+7)

 

Match #6 – Tee #16 –

Danny & Chris (+21)

vs

Greg & Mark C.

 

Round 2 – Cobblestone – 2PM Shotgun State – This round, everyone will play their own ball all round, and whoever has the lowest net score (that would be your score minus your handicap) will win 5 points for their team, second lowest wins 3 points, and third wins 1 point, and last place wins 0 points. Here are your pairings, handicaps, and hole designations. All scorecards will have your handicaps marked, so this should be pretty straight forward.

Match #1 – Tee 1A

Nathan (10 strokes)

Marty (21)

Greg (22)

Kevin (25)

 

Match #2 – Tee 1B

Ben (20 strokes)

Austin (22)

Mark S. (33)

Keith (40)

 

Match #3 – Tee 2A

Tall James (10 strokes)

Asian James (21)

Ian (21)

Mat (26)

 

Match #4 – Tee 2B

Mark C. (29 strokes)

Jeremy (34)

Pete (40)

Danny (45)

 

Match #5 – Tee 3A

White James (9 strokes)

Rich (13)

Mike C. (14)

Shane (21)

 

Match #6 – Tee 3B

Brendan (17 strokes)

Lloyd (17)

Wally (17)

Chris (27)

Nothing to see here folks, move along….

Gentlemen,

A week from today, ONE FUCKING WEEK, our arrival onto Kendallville will begin.

Everything I can possibly control has been arranged and confirmed five times over. That only leaves two things in the hands of chance. 1. The weather. Jesus, the weather. As of Thursday afternoon, Friday looks dry and Saturday looks wet, according to Weather.com. However on Accuweather.com, conditions for golf on Friday are very good and excellent on Saturday. According to something called Weather Underground, we’re good on Friday, but Saturday during the scramble things good get dicey. And the National Weather Service only goes 7 days out, because THANKS OBAMA.

The other thing out of my control is our pace of play. Unfortunately, the course managements won’t let me ride around on a Mad Max style golf cart and crack you all with a whip to make sure you are keeping up with the group in front of you. I asked. But with 24 players playing 36 holes a day, I can’t stress enough how important it is that we play as fast as possible. So just like I post every year, here are some guidelines I’d love for you guys to stick to in hopes of keeping me from full on stroking out on the golf course.

  • PLAY READY FUCKING GOLF. PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLAY READY GOLF. I don’t care if you just stole the tee box from the guy who just made a birdie, because he’s texting his wife about it. Tee up and go. I don’t care if who is closer, if you are ready, hit. Say it with me “READY GOLF”.
  • Take it easy on the practice swings, Sergio. If you are one of those miserable people who needs to take five practice swings, do that shit while everyone else is hitting. When it’s your turn, fire away. Also, standing over the ball for two minutes visualizing the shot is a waste of your time. NONE OF THIS WILL WORK FOR YOU. It’s way too late for you to think practice swings and positive thinking will help you. Same goes for reading your putts from both sides. None of us are good enough for that to actually matter. Just take a look at that shit from behind your ball, stand over it and miss the putt already. Just remember, every moment you waste practicing golf shots is a moment you lose drinking actual, real life beers.
  • We are all men, so there is no excuse for any of us to not know how to drive efficiently. Well, there are a handful of Asians, but Wally and I are fake Asians and Asian James drives an Acura and has obviously been highly influenced by the Fast and Furious series, so we’re not worried about him. And Danny’s not allowed to drive the cart, ever. So with those caveats, we should be good. Here’s how to use the carts efficiently: you both hit your shots, you then drop the passenger off at his ball with his club of choice and then proceed to your ball. You can swing back and pick him up after you’ve hit, he might even be smart enough to start walking towards his next shot while he’s waiting. It’s not that hard, people. Please do not park the cart next to the first guy’s ball, then watch him hit, and then give him a ride to your ball, just so he can watch you hit. We all can walk, even Danny with his skinny leg. EFFICIENCY, PEOPLE!
  • Play everything like a hazard. I don’t feel like explaining the difference between white stakes and red stakes to you. So if you hit your shot out of bounds, drop it on the line that it went in and take a penalty. On the holes with water hazards, keep an eye out for drop zones, specifically #4 at Cobblestone and #15 at Noble Hawk. Rinse one in the pond? Take your drop in the drop zone. We ain’t got time for all that!
  • Speaking of lost balls, treat it like an ex-girlfriend. LET THAT SHIT GO, BRUH! She gone. She doesn’t love you anymore. Don’t go chasing after her like some kind of fuck boy. Your shit tee shot is in the trees? Take a peek and proceed to move on. We spend way too much time looking for our balls. PUNS!!! In the same notion, keep an eye on your own fucking ball. Don’t ask me if I saw where it came down. Because I’m just going to say “Here it is! Crazy, it was in your bag the whole time! Now take your penalty stoke. I have beers to drink.”
  • Sorry boys, gone are the days of the first tee mulligan. And no, that doesn’t mean you get to save it and use it whenever you want. Since we’re shotgun starting each round, it wouldn’t be fair for people to have two tee shots on different holes. Plus mulligans are for spineless assholes, like people who root for their conference.

  • Technology is awesome. I know that, I would rather die than be without my phone. Shit, I’ve spent the last two months trying to talk you guys into downloading this scoring app! But outside of entering your score on GolfGamebook after each hole, let’s just to keep the fucking with our mobiles to a minimum. Your app gives you the exact yardage to the pin, plus the prevailing wind direction and speed? Great. It won’t help you. Phone are allowed out only to enter in scores, crank up the tunes, and take Instagram videos of us shotgunning beers of unicorn faces during the scramble. PS – Download that app and add me as a friend!

Alright, I know every hates me know, because you think I wrote a diatribe about how hopeless you are at golf and it sounds like I only care about playing fast, regardless of if you are having fun or not. You can hate me then, because both of those statements are 100% factual. We have a limited number of sunlit hours to squeeze in as much golf as humanly possible, so pretty please, with a cherry on top, PLAY FASTER.

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