A week from today, ONE FUCKING WEEK, our arrival onto Kendallville will begin.
Everything I can possibly control has been arranged and confirmed five times over. That only leaves two things in the hands of chance. 1. The weather. Jesus, the weather. As of Thursday afternoon, Friday looks dry and Saturday looks wet, according to Weather.com. However on Accuweather.com, conditions for golf on Friday are very good and excellent on Saturday. According to something called Weather Underground, we’re good on Friday, but Saturday during the scramble things good get dicey. And the National Weather Service only goes 7 days out, because THANKS OBAMA.
The other thing out of my control is our pace of play. Unfortunately, the course managements won’t let me ride around on a Mad Max style golf cart and crack you all with a whip to make sure you are keeping up with the group in front of you. I asked. But with 24 players playing 36 holes a day, I can’t stress enough how important it is that we play as fast as possible. So just like I post every year, here are some guidelines I’d love for you guys to stick to in hopes of keeping me from full on stroking out on the golf course.
- PLAY READY FUCKING GOLF. PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLAY READY GOLF. I don’t care if you just stole the tee box from the guy who just made a birdie, because he’s texting his wife about it. Tee up and go. I don’t care if who is closer, if you are ready, hit. Say it with me “READY GOLF”.
- Take it easy on the practice swings, Sergio. If you are one of those miserable people who needs to take five practice swings, do that shit while everyone else is hitting. When it’s your turn, fire away. Also, standing over the ball for two minutes visualizing the shot is a waste of your time. NONE OF THIS WILL WORK FOR YOU. It’s way too late for you to think practice swings and positive thinking will help you. Same goes for reading your putts from both sides. None of us are good enough for that to actually matter. Just take a look at that shit from behind your ball, stand over it and miss the putt already. Just remember, every moment you waste practicing golf shots is a moment you lose drinking actual, real life beers.
- We are all men, so there is no excuse for any of us to not know how to drive efficiently. Well, there are a handful of Asians, but Wally and I are fake Asians and Asian James drives an Acura and has obviously been highly influenced by the Fast and Furious series, so we’re not worried about him. And Danny’s not allowed to drive the cart, ever. So with those caveats, we should be good. Here’s how to use the carts efficiently: you both hit your shots, you then drop the passenger off at his ball with his club of choice and then proceed to your ball. You can swing back and pick him up after you’ve hit, he might even be smart enough to start walking towards his next shot while he’s waiting. It’s not that hard, people. Please do not park the cart next to the first guy’s ball, then watch him hit, and then give him a ride to your ball, just so he can watch you hit. We all can walk, even Danny with his skinny leg. EFFICIENCY, PEOPLE!
- Play everything like a hazard. I don’t feel like explaining the difference between white stakes and red stakes to you. So if you hit your shot out of bounds, drop it on the line that it went in and take a penalty. On the holes with water hazards, keep an eye out for drop zones, specifically #4 at Cobblestone and #15 at Noble Hawk. Rinse one in the pond? Take your drop in the drop zone. We ain’t got time for all that!
- Speaking of lost balls, treat it like an ex-girlfriend. LET THAT SHIT GO, BRUH! She gone. She doesn’t love you anymore. Don’t go chasing after her like some kind of fuck boy. Your shit tee shot is in the trees? Take a peek and proceed to move on. We spend way too much time looking for our balls. PUNS!!! In the same notion, keep an eye on your own fucking ball. Don’t ask me if I saw where it came down. Because I’m just going to say “Here it is! Crazy, it was in your bag the whole time! Now take your penalty stoke. I have beers to drink.”
- Sorry boys, gone are the days of the first tee mulligan. And no, that doesn’t mean you get to save it and use it whenever you want. Since we’re shotgun starting each round, it wouldn’t be fair for people to have two tee shots on different holes. Plus mulligans are for spineless assholes, like people who root for their conference.
- Technology is awesome. I know that, I would rather die than be without my phone. Shit, I’ve spent the last two months trying to talk you guys into downloading this scoring app! But outside of entering your score on GolfGamebook after each hole, let’s just to keep the fucking with our mobiles to a minimum. Your app gives you the exact yardage to the pin, plus the prevailing wind direction and speed? Great. It won’t help you. Phone are allowed out only to enter in scores, crank up the tunes, and take Instagram videos of us shotgunning beers of unicorn faces during the scramble. PS – Download that app and add me as a friend!
Alright, I know every hates me know, because you think I wrote a diatribe about how hopeless you are at golf and it sounds like I only care about playing fast, regardless of if you are having fun or not. You can hate me then, because both of those statements are 100% factual. We have a limited number of sunlit hours to squeeze in as much golf as humanly possible, so pretty please, with a cherry on top, PLAY FASTER.